I feel like I have been striped naked for the world to see. I dread that at times I was able to hide behind my clothes of life. I was able to hide behind the label of being a special ed teacher, the task of being a wife, the luxury of being a friend. I feared being undressed. I dared not to look in the mirror, as I disliked what I saw. I covered my body. I covered my feelings. I covered my fears. I covered anything and everything that made me have to be naked both physically and emotionally.
Now I am tossed out into the universe, undressed, uncovered, open for the world to stare at. In a way that is what being a widow feels like. All of my stretch marks of life are there to be viewed. The ones that came from eating too much and the ones that came from the hardships of carrying the load as we buried not one or two, but three of our parents. The cellulite on the back of my thighs that came from the pain of not being able to have children. The rolls on my tummy that were created by the ups and downs and ins and outs of life we all must take. I hid this. I painted a picture of being strong and happy even when I crawled in my own skin. And now I can’t hide, I can’t pretend that tomorrow will be a better day. I can’t diet my way to a better life. I can’t cover this pain in am XL black shirt. I AM NAKED! I am here and you are not. I am hurting and no one really understands. I am vulnerable and sad. I am exposed for all to see.
I am trying to learn that being naked is ok. I am trying to be comfortable in my own skin, in this new life I have been tossed into. I am learning that pain is part of emerging into this life, this new person. And so I have to stand here for the world see ~ NAKED, stripped of all that I was.
I guess that being naked is being your authentic self. You can’t hide behind what you want others to view you as. I am real, all of me ~ the good, the bad, the ugly, the special, the unique, all of it. In this undressed new life I have, I see in the mirror what you saw. I see the woman that you loved, all of her. And it is scary, but it is me. Here I am naked~ here I am without you. How did this all happen? How do I hold my head high? I miss you.
~ Around the world and back again