Floaties~ you know that water wings that kids wear in the pool~ I wanted to thank you for the pair you metaphorically put on my arms the day you left this earth. You see my love, for months now I have been treading water. I am exhausted to an extent that there lacks to be words to express. Each part of my body, spirit and soul hurts and longs for true sleep. I am in the deep end, I am treading and trying not to go under. The ladder to the pool of life seems very far away. At times when life tosses a big cannonball of a person into the water, I fear I will drown. It is true at times I have swallowed water. I have gasped for breath because the pain of you not being here is so great. I have gotten "Charlie horse" and leg cramps from trying to just function each day without going under.
But drown, that will never happen! You being the awesome person you are~ you gave me floaties before you left. Not the cheap orange ones you get at the dollar store. Nope you went all out. You went to the pool supply and got my really cute white ones with tropical fish on them and purple insides. And yes they are tight and maybe a little too small. And due to that I have pain, I need that pain ~ the pain of you not being here with me. But, I know that I will always be able to float. No matter how big the waves, how hard the lesson, how rough the waters ~ your love for me, your belief in who I am and my strength, well it keeps me treading, it keeps me breathing, it keeps me swimming in the deep end.
I know one day I will make it to the ladder and climb out of this pool of pain. I know I will emerge a stronger woman ~ a stronger swimmer. I know that I will feel the warmth of the sun as it finally dries my skin. But today is not that day. Tomorrow might not be either. And that my love is okay. I will swim in this pain. I will gasp for memories of you. I will float on our love. I guess the biggest thing I have learned in these past few months is that we all can float no matter how much our soul aches. We all can be overwhelmed by the waters of life but have the skills to rise. I long for the raft to come and help me to the side, help me to the ladder. But you see no one can fix this. No one can heal me or save me. So there is no raft. I must tread alone and when I am lucky a friend can swim by and keep me company as I learn new strokes.
Thank you for the floaties. Thank you for the knowledge that even in my darkest moments you have given me the skills and strength to survive! I am honored that my water wings of life have come from you!
Around the world and back again~