Friday, July 29, 2011

Releasing the counting

Dearest Trick~
I have been  playing this horrible game with myself over the past 3 months. There it is right there ~ the statement of today being 3 months! I count the days, the weeks, the months and on rough moments the minutes. I torture myself, as if keeping track and pulling my heart apart will make me a better wife. I count and count and count. All it does is make me sad, make me weak, make me less of the woman you loved. And so today I have given myself the gift of releasing the counting.

I will let the calendar do nothing more than state the date. I will no long count the days of what I lack to have, but look forward to what one day may be. I know this is what you want from me and for me. I know you want me to be happy, healthy, to love, to be loved, to dance, to sing, to swim in the sunshine of the universe. I dread that I let the sadness, I let time ~ rule me. I release it! I am not a better wife, a better widow (if there is such a thing) because I keep vigil on the date I lost you. If what you wanted when you left was a woman who wore black, stayed home, and kept a shrine to you~ well , you most likely would not have married someone like me. So why do I find myself doing some of those things.

I now know that it is okay to take a step forward. I am not forgetting you. I am not letting my love for you fade. I am not removing you from my heart or my mind. I am releasing the pain I now have inflicted on myself. I am going to give myself the right to move ~ to move on ~ what ever that may mean. And I take you with me. And I hope you understand. I can no longer let time eat away at who I am. I guess I thought when I reached some perfect date the pain would go away. I guess I thought I was honoring you by mourning you every Friday. But, today in the clearness of the morning I came to realize that to honor you is to take care of me. To honor you is to allow myself to heal. To honor you is to slowly learn what living in a world without you is like. I can't say I like this. I can't say I do not cry, as the tears stain my face as I write this. But I release time. I release the counting. I keep YOU!
Around the world and back again~

Thursday, July 28, 2011


Dearest Trick~
It has rained a ton in all the places I have visited since you danced your way into heaven. I have come to learn that rain cleans the soul, washes away the tears that stain my face, and most of all helps the flowers grow. Maybe the rain is helping me grow as well.
I would not say that I have changed as much as grown. I have grown into a woman who can drive 1000 miles alone and enjoy the silence. I have grown into someone who can LISTEN (as you know I love to talk). I have grown into a person who honors her feelings, pain and needs. I have grown into a lady who understands that before I can help others I must help myself. I have grown into an adult who can hear the truth, even when the truth hurts.
I have grown these past months. It is not growth I wanted to make or asked for , but growth none the less. I wonder if you are the one sending the rain? If you are the source of my growth? I wonder if you see me now for who I am~ and if your proud? You were always proud of me as your wife. Are you in heaven looking down saying, "she is mine!" ? The hardest growth I have to make, the thing I am working on is being ME without YOU. It is easy to forget who you are when you are part of a duo. It is easy to play one role in your life more then another. For me that was the role of your wife. Now I must grow into this new person, this new woman who brings with her all the memories of the past and growth for the days ahead. I hope you are the rain. I hope you are the force behind this rapid growth I am making. I hope you are proud. I hope you know how much I love you. I miss you so much.
Around the world and back again~

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Hitting the road

Dearest Trick~
Tomorrow morning I will get into my sister's car (as ours remains at Dad's house parked - I have not driven it since I went to the emergency room for you and can't bring myself to get back in it) and drive from TX to TN solo. It is weird how what I once loved I am now somewhat afraid of. Oh how I loved road trips while you were here with me. I loved the adventure. I loved how YOU drove and I got to be the biggest back seat driver ever. I loved all the wonderful things I saw out the windows that I never knew existed. I loved how we would stop at random places and find cool people to meet and places to see. I loved all of it. Now I must get in a car by myself and drive 18 hours. 18 hours without YOU~ my map.
You see Trick, you have always been my map of life. You have helped me reach all my destinations be it physical or mental, you were a guide. Now I hit the road with a computer voice telling me where to turn. I guess the only voice I really want to hear is yours. You found a joy in reading maps. You always knew how to navigate every experience in life. I now am left to navigate on my own. I must learn how to read maps, be in driver seat, and find my own joy on the side road attractions of life. I hope you will be with me. I hope you sit in the passenger seat and give me strength over this journey. I hope that you guide me to all the right destinations. And when I do get lost or drive in the dark, I hope you will send a light my way. Tomorrow I hit the road. Tomorrow I hit it alone. Tomorrow I navigate a journey without you. I fear tomorrow might be a rough day. And then I think about the fact that you will be watching over me and my fear reduces. I love you ~ I love where your map has lead me in the past. It is time for me to take out my own map and that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 
Around the world and back again~

Friday, July 22, 2011

Counting the days

Dearest Trick~
It is funny how birth and death are so closely connected. When a baby is born I often hear parents talk about their new bundle of joy in terms of days, weeks and months. "Oh my little ............ (fill in the blank with a name) is 18 weeks old, or ........... is 21 months old. Well, as a widow I do the same. Today it is 12 weeks. For 12 weeks I have counted the hours and the days. I have tried to stand tall while trying to hold on to the pieces of you that I have. And each Friday I am reminded of April 29th. Each Friday I am checking off another week where my world does not feel complete, does not feel whole. Each time I raise that number from 3 days to 1 week, from 3 weeks to a month, from 1 month to 2.... it brakes a piece of who I am. I guess I am starting to dislike the calendar.  I am disliking father time. Time it has caused this great big void in my life that no other human can fill.
And then there are the moments when I feel like , " Wow I have made it 5 weeks and I am still standing". I find strength in the ability day after day, week after week, to get out of bed (what ever bed I am in as it is not MY bed without you) and face the day. But that calendar continues to haunt me. It is like a reminder of what I lack to have now. 12 weeks ~ 12 weeks without hearing your voice. 12 weeks without smelling that awesome mix of soap, Old Spice deodorant, and a touch of shave lotion. 12 weeks of not having love notes in the kitchen. 12 weeks of having to pay the bills on my own. 12 weeks of without touching your skin. 12 weeks of being YOUR voice. What a long 12 weeks it has been. I replay that last moment we had together. I was resting my head on your chest singing our wedding song (I Will) to you as I listened to your heart beat drift off to another place. And although I had my head on you, I felt you behind me. How weird. And so I guess you do the same. In heaven you must be saying , "For 12 weeks I have watched over her". I endlessly miss you and completely love you.
Around the world and back again~

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Dearest Trick~
In life there are labels for everything.  There are labels on our food, on our clothes, on our beds ~ I mean they are everywhere. And then there are the labels we give one another as humans. These days I find myself with two labels. One I love very dearly and I hold it dear in my heart. The other one I HATE. Yes I just used the word hate and I know it is a strong word.
Let's start with the label I hate ~ that of widow. It is like the minute you left this earth everyone's view of me, the world's view of me changed. I was no longer Ali or Alasin. I was no longer Mrs. DeVeny or Mrs. D or Alikat. I was not sister or daughter or friend. I was now and will forever be labeled WIDOW and it is a horror to have a label like this. It screws with your identity and it makes you feel like you are walking around with a big W across your chest. When you are young like me the label is accompanied by sad looks and pity (both things I do not like).
Now the label I love ~ Pat's WIFE. I know that Social Security no longer sees me in this role. I know many insurance companies and credit cards refuse to call me MRS. anymore. Well that is their issue. For the rest of my days on earth I will carry this label with pride. I mean really do you think death could possibly end US. I think not.
I am learning to be a part of a new world where my labels have changed. One thing that has not is my love for you.
Around the world and back again~

Why isn't it easy anymore?????!!!

Dearest Trick~
Life was easy when you were here. Don't get me wrong we had MORE than our fair share of hardships (a lot more) but somehow we dealt with it together and it all seemed easy. It was easy to love you. It was easy for me to express how I was feeling without having to even use words. It was easy to battle the world as a team. It was easy being your wife. It was easy dealing with the daily grind because we were the DeVenyDuo.

Now everything seems so hard. Waking up, dealing with people, dealing with life - it all lacks to be easy. Now when I am tossed a problem head on I don't to have my support, my partner. I miss you. I miss the easy way about you. I miss us! I miss a ton of the little things that seemed so EASY for you to do and now I yearn for them. I miss having my car door opened for me before I get to it. I miss holding hands in bed and falling asleep. I miss family walks with Norm the wonder dog. I miss little notes left on the board in the kitchen just because I made coffee. I miss never going to bed mad or sad. I miss trips to the library becoming mini vacations. I miss getting flowers for no reason at all. I miss the soft hours when there were no sounds, no words, just smiles. I miss how your shoes always landed the same way when you tossed them off at night. I miss the way we listened to things the other was interested in just because we loved one another. I miss how easy it all was.

And then just as  easy, just as fast, the world took you from me. I wish I could be stronger. I wish that it was not so easy for you to be taken away. I miss you and I miss who we were. I miss the easy life.
Around the world and back again~

Friday, July 15, 2011

The early air

Dearest Trick~
There is a moment every day that is so damn painful I feel like I have been slapped in the face. Every morning in the millisecond before my eyes completely open, before the sun has drenched what ever bedroom I seem to grace that day, in the moment when I take that first taste of morning air~ for one brief moment I can wonder if all of this was just a bad dream. And every day with out fail I am reminded that this nightmare, this world I live in without you, it is real. So every morning I am once again slapped across the face with reality.
I am not questioning why the universe took you from me ~ well, took you from all of us for that matter. I am not going to fill my heart with anger and rage. But, I am wounded. I am different. I am changed. I am the same. I am hurt. I am healthy. I am me and for ever I am always yours! I love that brief moment each morning when for that millisecond I have hope ~ I have you. I keep looking for a sign a message from you. Others have posted on your facebook about how you have made rain stop at party, visited them in a dream, made them laugh, sent a sign... I have had none of these experiences.  I have felt left out and desperately searched for a piece of you. And now I realize that you send me a sign every day, you visit me when I am most vulnerable ~ when I am most me. You dance with me once again in my mind for but a moment each day. You continue to give me hope when at times most things look hopeless. And so this morning when the Vegas light filled the room and awoke me from slumber instead of feeling pain and sorrow by knowing that this is all real~ I felt you! I felt you holding my hand again, filling my bed again, laughing at my jokes again. I think I will now look forward to the most painful time of day because for a brief second I get YOU back. And I will take those seconds and those moments and happily deal with the pain that follows.
Around the world and back again~

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

On the road

Dearest Trick~
I have been on the road for a few weeks. Some stops have been for you ~ the Cubs, GLC, Brenner Mountain. Some stops have been for me ~ MA, Vegas and NV/AZ/UT. But what really has happened is that I am on the road all the time because I lack to know what or where home is. In truth YOU were my home. It never mattered where we were ~ as long as we were together I felt that feeling of home. So I guess for a long time to come I will feel like I am on the road. I want you to know that part of this road trip I call life is beyond hard. I feel like I lack a map and the directions or even the destination for that matter seem so unclear. Then there are moments where I pull over the metaphoric car and see the most beautiful sunset. I do not want you to worry~ I am doing this road trip like a trooper. I have noticed the help you have sent and put in my path. The friends that join me on this new adventure, the gas (strength) that continues to drive me. You, have always been the one to map out our plans. I have had to learn that this was not plan but just a rough adventure that has been thrusted on us. I miss you endlessly and wish that you were at all the road side stops I take. Then I think for a moment and realize you are. You are always with me, you are my GPS in this new adventure I call life. I love you and am honored that you are watching over me. 
Around the world and back again