Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Looking Glass

Dearest Trick~
The looking glass shows a reflection I no longer recognize. How I long to see the same girl in the mirror of life. The one that walked beside you, laughed in the face of hardship, danced when fear was surrounding her. I lack to know this woman that looks back at me. I am unsure of why the glass has warped, why the world has remained spinning when it all seems different. It is as if the mirror is cracked and I am viewing my new life through shards of broken glass. 

I wish like Alice I could climb out of this rabbit hole and it all be some hallucination. That you would be there in the bed next to me, holding my hand as I awake from this nightmare. But the looking glass reflects my truth ~ as hard as it is to stare into, it is my reality.  And unlike Alice the lessons I learn do not come from a mad hatter or Queen of Hearts but from YOU. Each day I stumble into the bathroom, wash my face and look at the reflection that has become my life and I hear YOU telling me to face it all. I feel you cheering me on as I see the outlines of a new woman. I sense you supporting me as I see the image of what life will be like. The looking glass is different, it has changed, life has changed the reflection has changed; the image of who I once was has changed.

So my love, like Alice I will drink this new life I have been given. I will look into the mirror and accept the view, but I carry you with me. I will see past the cracks and shards and find the beauty that I fear. I will look into the future but will always hold on to the past. The looking glass of life reflected joy for so long, now I have to be able to SEE it even when my heart lacks it. You have always been my mirror!
Around the world and back again~

Monday, January 30, 2012


Dearest Trick~
I feel you in the wind. Feel you kissing my check and suddenly my world is not so dark anymore. See you in the sun. See you shining down on me and suddenly I feel more complete. The crack in the sidewalk reminds me of my life, broken in some places but still something to walk on. I hear you in the rain. Hear you pounding on my soul, reminding me to dance and slowly move along. I find you in the grass, blades of growth and soft on my soul. Somehow you are there still growing when mowers of life have cut you down. You are my nature, you are all around me. I vision you in the clouds. The puffy softness in the sky is where I think you sit and look down on me.  I smell you in the morning air, crisp and cool in my nose. Like you it fills my lungs with the oxygen necessary to breathe. I walk along in life, looking at all the beauty that surrounds me, but somehow all the colors have blurred since you have gone. The vibrancy is not as bright. The crispness seems to have faded and I am left to try to embrace the nature all-alone. In the mountains I felt your power. Strong rocks covered with snow enclose me. But the peace they once brought is somehow shaken to leave new trails.
I want my nature back. I want the walks to be beside YOU. To feel the sun and snow and wind the way I once did. But that my love can’t be. Those days are gone for good, and yet you still allow me to see the beauty that is this earth. So I find you in the wind, in the sun, in the rain, in the flowers. I feel you in the dirt that I squish my feet in. I feel you in the waves of the ocean as it crashes and in the aroma of the flowers that I still stop to smell.  I guess my nature might be different but you are still there. I find you all around me when my world seems so bland, all I have to do is walk outside.
Around the world and back again~

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Big Sky

Dearest Trick~
As the year has changed so have I. I found myself reliving the loss of you as I had to let go of our last year together. It seemed somewhat impossible of a task, to get up, to move on, to celebrate what I have~ while I was focusing on what I lacked. Then I went for a walk. As I walked our dog the big blue sky filled my vision. The sun beat down on my skin and the cool January Texas air kissed my face. And in that moment, in the seconds that I allowed myself to be consumed by the beauty that surrounds all of us all the time, I found you, I found me, I found us.

I am coming to terms as hard as that might be that you are not here with me. But you are above me all the time. You are making sure that I see that big sky of opportunity. The clouds of change, the wind of hope, the sunrise of destiny and the sunset of prospects encompassed me when I allow it. This big sky, this thing that covers all of us~ it is always there. It might change from day to day. Some days it might be clear and blue, some foggy. There might be cloudy days, rainy ones and even star filled nights. But no matter how much the sky changes from day to day, from day to night, it is ALWAYS there. I guess that is you, you are my sky. You are always there, always right here with me. But maybe you do not get to hold me or dance, maybe I do not hear your voice, but like sky you cover me. You provide my air, my rain, my sun. You have changed in form but like the sky you can never really be gone~ all I ever have to do is look UP!

And so my beloved sky, my sunshine, my raindrop of love~ I look up! I look up to the new year, the new me that I am slowly becoming. I look up and feel you. I look up in hopes of easier tomorrows and peaceful todays. I look up!
 Around the world and back again~