Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Just enough

Dearest Trick~
Over the past few months I have had all I NEED sent to me from you. I have been given 'just enough' of everything that is required to live a good life, a new life, a strange life without you. You have given me just enough strength to make it through each day. You have given me just enough power to get myself to therapy and work on growing as a person. You have given me just enough room in my first apartment to put our things (and lack of space so that I can let go of some stuff that is not needed). You have given me just enough sunshine to sooth my soul and enough rain to remind me that flowers grow from the water - so I can grow from my tears. You have given me just enough TRUE friends to stick by me and hold my hand in the hard hours. You have given me just enough energy to stand in the silence alone and dance in who I am now becoming. You have given me just enough voice to speak my mind and for the very first time in my life do what is right for ME (even if it is not following timelines or wishes of others)!!! You have given me just enough hope that one day I will be at total peace again. You have given me just enough memories that I will get to have you as part of me for how ever long I grace the earth. You have given me just enough love that I can still open my heart to others and not be bitter. You have given me just enough fear to think twice before making a mistake. You have given me just enough courage to be able to see my life without you by my side and be able to function in that new life I have been given. You have given me JUST ENOUGH!
As humans we always ask for more. We all want a bigger house, faster car, better job, more money.... I think that just enough is all I need. I am thankful that even from up above you have a way of sending me enough - just enough of everything I need. How lucky I am to have you.
Around the world and back again~

Monday, August 22, 2011


Dear Trick~
Dates.... numbers on a calendar haunt me. They are a reminder of good times and some dates are a memorial of bad times.  This week is filled with dates that have played a major role in my life ~ in our life. Wednesday would have been our 9th wedding anniversary. It would have been another trip to the card store where we pull cards that we liked and hand them to one another to read and then as if no one saw us return them to their place. I always loved how you would do the math to see the money we saved by not buying them but just reading them. And do not worry, I went to the store today before therapy and found the perfect card for you. I found myself standing there for some time.. I guess for just the right amount of time for you to read the card I picked. I then (like I have for the past 8 years) placed it back into the spot I took it from and wiped the tear I found on my face. The hard part was that there was no card handed to me.

On the 27th I have the memorial of the day my mom left us and went to heaven. Every year it was so hard for me to have such a happy event so close to such a horrible event. But somehow I got through it because of you. You made it easy to have happiness dance among sadness. I try to hold on to that as I now find both dates hard to deal with since you lack to be here with me. 9 years ago I began a new family with you ~ as my family was torn apart with the death of mom. And you helped me celebrate her spirit and our love on dates so close together.

I will not lie, I miss you everyday. I yearn for a time past when dates were easier to deal with. But, this is the journey I am on now. And so I will try with all my being to celebrate the love I have for you, the love you had for me ~ on Wednesday. I will dance in memories I have of mom on the 27th. I guess dates are there to remind us of things. So I will try to embrace the date I became your wife and not fear the fact that this date no long holds the same truth. I miss you and I miss our simple dates of life.
Around the world and back again~

Monday, August 15, 2011

A glimpse

Dear Trick~
Maybe all we get is a glimpse. Maybe just maybe life is but a moment in time when we get to swim in an experance. Maybe we get a glimpse of what our mark could leave on another. Maybe we get but a glimpse of a moment to dance in the presence of greatness. A glimpse is never meant for permance. In essence it is to give but a look, just a moment, just a taste.
Maybe I was to only have a glimpse of you. A glimpse of what it feels like to have someone look into your eyes and see you. A taste for how to laugh in life when there is more month then money. A moment to feel true happiness and to march onward with someone holding your hand. A glimpse of dreams that will remain tucked deep within me. A moment to smile until your face hurts. A second to embrace fear and celebrate the wind, the sun, the rain. I got a glimpse. I got to see how humor can defy pain. I got to feel love and support. I got to play... to be around a man who still lived in childhood. I got a glimpse of greatness because I had you!
And so I do not cry when I think about the fact that all I got was a glimpse. I would rather have but a moment with you then to think of my world never being touched by your.... your ability to touch. I think a glimpse of anything is there to teach us. It is a gift to remind us to grow, to be thankful, to feel. I will forever be grateful for the glimpse of man I got to call my husband.
Around the world and back again~

Saturday, August 13, 2011

My left hand

Dearest Trick~
On Thursday I found myself in Robbins Brothers (the chain of stores where you bought the ring that sits on my left hand). I brought it in to their store  in TX but it felt the same as when we walked in 9 and 1/2 years ago in CA. The love songs played, men walked past glass counters looking like they would pass out from fear, women glowed as they admired the sparkle on their hand. It all was so familiar. There is truth that this chain of stores is magical. It is where things BEGIN. It is where I began to become YOURS. I handed over my VERY dirty ring that has not been cleaned or checking in way too long. I handed over the packet where the jewelers mark down when they checked it. And for the first time ~ when they brought me my shinny, sparkling ring~ you lacked to put it on my hand. I guess that was always my favorite part of getting it cleaned, you always got back down on one knee and asked again " will you spend the rest of your life with me?"
I wish I could tell you that I was beyond strong, that the act of watching others start their "forever" when mine is over was something I could handle with grace and charm. I fear that for a moment I wallowed. I allowed myself to dance in the pain, in the endless want for something I can't have ~ YOU! My sister looked at wedding bands as she will be starting her FOREVER this coming year. And then I sat there alone with my thoughts. I sat there knowing I can never have that back. And I missed you, one of those hard ~ rip your heart out missing you moments.
And when I thought I could take no more. When I internally found myself begging for my sister and her other half to hurry up so I could run out of that store and taste the air again~ you sent me a message, you reminded me. A young couple walked in. He had red hair like you, she was blond like me. They looked at one ring, one ring only. As if they were both drawn to it at the same time. Thousands of diamonds grace that store, but the two of them walked over and like magic saw the same ring at the same time. And I knew what that felt like. I had that moment 9 and 1/2 years before . I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a movie of us played by actors. And then she said it. She said the same words that came out of my face. "Oh, it is my dream ring!" I felt the warm tear softly float down my face. I found the the corners of my mouth turn up. I felt you standing next to me. And I thought if these two people could have what we had for but 9 magical years of marriage they would be blessed. I felt you sending me that message. And so instead of feeling like my forever was over, I came to realize that although you physically lack to be here on earth, you are forever the man you took my left hand.
Around the world and back again~

Monday, August 1, 2011

I will!

Dearest Trick~
Many friends are enjoying the sounds of Sir Paul McCartney at Wrigley and as you could guess our wedding song 'I Will' has been played and made many think of us. I thought about the words tonight. I thought about the fact that it was this song that I sang to you as you slipped away from me, from us. So now I feel like I need to tell you the things I WILL do.

I will always love you. I will get out of bed each day and be part of the world. I will not hide my feelings but honor them. I will remember all the good times we had. I will care for our Norm (the wonder dog) with enough love for both of us. I will dance in the rain and let it hit my face. I will cry when my soul needs to. I will continue to look through the rose colored glasses at life. I will learn to love again ~ as I know you want me to. I will always let the corners of my mouth turn up when ever I think of you. I will be strong enough to learn how to move on. I will find happiness even though it might be hard. I will always be your Ali. I will take the time needed to grow. I will write and write and write. I will dream big and follow them as we once did. I will tell people how I feel about them ~ everyone should do that. I will be thankful for the rest of my days to the friends and family that have held my hand, told me the truth when it was hard to hear, or supported me during this hard time. I will still believe that love is greater then hate. I will deal with fear head on. I will learn to love myself. I will never forget you ~ but I will learn who I am. I will LIVE !
I will miss you.
Around the world and back again~