Saturday, August 13, 2011

My left hand

Dearest Trick~
On Thursday I found myself in Robbins Brothers (the chain of stores where you bought the ring that sits on my left hand). I brought it in to their store  in TX but it felt the same as when we walked in 9 and 1/2 years ago in CA. The love songs played, men walked past glass counters looking like they would pass out from fear, women glowed as they admired the sparkle on their hand. It all was so familiar. There is truth that this chain of stores is magical. It is where things BEGIN. It is where I began to become YOURS. I handed over my VERY dirty ring that has not been cleaned or checking in way too long. I handed over the packet where the jewelers mark down when they checked it. And for the first time ~ when they brought me my shinny, sparkling ring~ you lacked to put it on my hand. I guess that was always my favorite part of getting it cleaned, you always got back down on one knee and asked again " will you spend the rest of your life with me?"
I wish I could tell you that I was beyond strong, that the act of watching others start their "forever" when mine is over was something I could handle with grace and charm. I fear that for a moment I wallowed. I allowed myself to dance in the pain, in the endless want for something I can't have ~ YOU! My sister looked at wedding bands as she will be starting her FOREVER this coming year. And then I sat there alone with my thoughts. I sat there knowing I can never have that back. And I missed you, one of those hard ~ rip your heart out missing you moments.
And when I thought I could take no more. When I internally found myself begging for my sister and her other half to hurry up so I could run out of that store and taste the air again~ you sent me a message, you reminded me. A young couple walked in. He had red hair like you, she was blond like me. They looked at one ring, one ring only. As if they were both drawn to it at the same time. Thousands of diamonds grace that store, but the two of them walked over and like magic saw the same ring at the same time. And I knew what that felt like. I had that moment 9 and 1/2 years before . I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a movie of us played by actors. And then she said it. She said the same words that came out of my face. "Oh, it is my dream ring!" I felt the warm tear softly float down my face. I found the the corners of my mouth turn up. I felt you standing next to me. And I thought if these two people could have what we had for but 9 magical years of marriage they would be blessed. I felt you sending me that message. And so instead of feeling like my forever was over, I came to realize that although you physically lack to be here on earth, you are forever the man you took my left hand.
Around the world and back again~

1 comment: