Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Boot Camp

Dearest Trick~
This fall I started boot camp. I have pushed my body to do things I never thought it could do. With sweat pouring down my face I have done lunges, presses, balancing, and lifted weight I never imagined I could. And every time I wanted to give up, to give in, to engulf myself in the pain~ there was my trainer cheering me on, fixing my form, encouraging me to dig deep and find the strength that lived with in. Twice a week I put myself through this torcher and elation relationship of boot camp. My fat giggles, my arms wiggle, my legs throb and somehow when I think I can go no further, I sign back up, I show back up, I finish a set.

It occurred to me that my life is like boot camp. Each day I am dragging myself out of bed (even if I think I can’t take the pain of facing the day alone), climbing into the car of life, and driving down the road. And with each trip, each step forward, each fall backward ~I have YOU as my trainer…cheering me on, giving me strength, gently reminding me that this too will make me stronger, more flexible, better of a person. The boot camp of life is not easy. I dread to say it most likely was not easy when you were here next to me, but funny how it is simpler to “skip” a class when you have your partner to help you not focus on all the hard stuff life throws your way. And as my heart burns and my lungs ache from the breath that left my soul when you left the earth~ I feel you fixing my form (of life) as I learn to walk alone.

Maybe the Tuesday and Thursday routines of pushing myself to the limits is a physical reminder that I CAN push myself into this new life ~ even if it hurts, even if I think I am not open enough or flexible, I CAN carry the load of widowhood, I CAN climb the hill of life solo, I CAN embrace the journey. I have trainer, I have YOU! I hear you cheering me on among the wind as it blows across my body. I feel you fixing my form (view) of the future as I wash tears from my face. Some day when I get to see you again I will be able to thank you for helping me make it through the boot camp of life.
Around the world and back again~

Monday, October 8, 2012

So This Is Life?!

Funny how John L had it right, life really does happen when you are making other plans. We had endless plans for our life together. I had a roadmap of when and where we would get to each destination we so greatly wanted to be pit stops in our adventure we call life. I knew the side attractions that there was room for on our journey. I had TIME to enjoy the road trip. But now LIFE, well it has just started. As much as last year I tried to make it stop, I now find myself in a new life (even if I don’t want to be in it). Routine and daily expectations once again swim their way into my world. I have alarms that are set, dinner plans, new friends, a new place in a new city. I have work, and obligations. The phone rings again with friends telling me about their world, their needs, their lives and mine… mine is lost.

I feel like this “life” that is happening is not anything I wanted or dreamed about. But none -the -less here I am, and I must embrace that journey that I am headed on. Trick, it was almost easier when I lived in limbo. I did not have to face each morning’s alarm and not have you there to slam it off. I did not have to work all day and come home to a sink of dishes because I didn’t wash them and well, my guess is it is awfully hard to do chores from heaven. It didn’t matter if I was up all night crying about you as I could take a nap the next day. Life was not real, it had not started. I floated along waiting for the pain to stop, for life to start… or maybe I was waiting for the life I once had to magically come back.

That is the thing about life, it never really is how we planned it to be. Some of it is more magical, grander, better then we ever imagined. And parts are harder, slower, more painful then we think we can handle. I never planned to be lucky enough to have had love, to have been loved, to have known love, like the love you showed me. I never planned to embrace the small things. I never planned to laugh in the rain or dance in the kitchen. I never planned to sing a duet in the shower or camp in the mud. I never planned to have a best friend as a partner. I never planned to learn about myself through someone else. I never planned for trips to the library to be the most amazing of dates and take out Thai to be the most exquisite of meals. But plan or not, it all became a part of my life. I did not plan to be 36 and a widow. I did not plan to be childless. I did not plan to face my days and night alone.  But the plans I never had that were great, the plans I never had but got filled with YOU… they outweigh the plans that never came to be! I guess it is time to put the planner away. I guess it is time to open my arms and allow this new life in. And maybe, just maybe some more awesome “not planned” adventures will come my way. I am honored that so many of the best ‘unplanned’ moments of my life have been with you.
Around the world and back again~