It seems like everyone loves today! They love that moment, that day where they can reflect on the past 12 months and move on with anticipation to the new, the exciting, the better, the next year! And here I find myself lost. I am clinging on to some numbers on a series of paper that we call the calendar. I want to close my eyes, make the world stop spinning, make the minutes freeze and hold on to this year. For it was in this year that I still had you. No matter how short or long those moments were, in this year there was still US. And, as I step a foot tomorrow morning into a new year, I step into a place you have never been. It is as if I am losing you all over again. My heart aches as I am tossed between the positive side of me that wishes nothing but happiness and health for our friends and family as they venture on in life, and wanting to stay here in this timeline for eternity. I am scared!
I am scared of letting you go. I am scared of what life will be like for me alone~ as the world is very big. I am scared to dream without you. I am scared of changing ~ but I know it is necessary. I am scared the world will forget about how for 40 years it was lucky enough to be touched by a spirit as amazing as you!
So as many of our friends and family desperately push towards midnight, as they openly embrace anew as a way to put the pain of loss behind them, I stand-alone. I stand in the darkness of widowhood, blanketed by the light of the love we shared. And in this time, this minute, these hours I so greatly want to cling to, in this period I grow. I will step forward as painful as it might me. I cannot stop the clock. I cannot bring you back. I cannot stay asleep tomorrow. I cannot be who I once was. But I CAN try my best to face my fears. I can try to step softly into a new year and a new life I so did not ask for. I can begin to understand that life does continue even if I desperately want it not to. I can try to find (as scared as I might be) a new purpose a new path. But for now as I still have a few hours left in our last year together I close my eyes, I let the hot tears roll down my face and I think of you! Happy US year my love!
Around the world and back again~