Black is this unique color. It has the ability to camouflage the rolls that form on my tummy, it looks great as a little dress, fab as a t-shirt with jeans, amazing as yoga pants, and by far the best color for eyeliner. Yup, black and me… we have a relationship. It has always been my color. It is one that I feel comfortable hiding in, dressing up in, or lounging in. But, I want to make it clear… I wear black because it is slimming NOT because I am a widow.
A lot has changed in these 4 ½ years since you left this earth. For goodness sakes the CUBS are winning right now!!! I have learned and grown. I have taken risks like leaving teaching to open my own company, and fallen on my face (like trying to balance the checkbook). My waistline has gotten smaller and bigger and smaller again… My hair has gotten shorter and longer and even purple. Ink has become permanent on my body tattooing my soul and my love for you. I have learned to fix a toilet, service the car, pay the bills (well most of the time) buy a home, do the lawn, build a kitchen, open my own business, and most of all ask for help in these short years. I have lost the vision of long term planning, having dreams, and ever becoming a MOM. But none of it, the good or the bad, the hard or the joyous has caused me to wear black… nope I do that because it is slimming.
Black to me is NOT a sign of mourning…. for I wear it… and I celebrate YOU! Black is just a color. It is one that has been thrust upon widows as a badge, a visual to how we are feeling on the inside. But my dear, as you know there is no color to express the complexity of emotions and feelings that live within me (and I am sure inside many widow/ers) Black is just slimming! Many keep waiting for my wardrobe to change. “When will she add some color back in” is often said behind my back. Trick, I am not sure if anyone ever noticed that I ALWAYS wore black.
One should never judge a book by its cover. Often on days where my white button down covers my chest tend to be the days when I ache for you the most. Intricacy of life is stunning and frustrating, it is amazing and scary. And for all of it I tend to want to show up wearing black… because I wear it NOT as a widow but just as a color. If there was a color that represented how I was feeling over the loss of you… it would be the rainbow swished together with a brightness that would be blinding because that is what love feels like. And, love my dear does not die because you did! So, as I write this (in my black yoga pants and black tank) I am grateful for the fact that black is just a color and that I ware it because it is slimming NOT because I am a widow.
Loving and missing you with all the beautiful colors that the eye can see!
Around the world and back again~