Friday, March 30, 2012

In Limbo

Dearest Trick~
There is this state of limbo that consumes us when we lose someone. It is not like the limbo we do below a stick to funky Caribbean beats. It is more like being stuck in a permeant rut that lacks to move forward or backwards. It is going through daily motions with out a vision of what we want, where we should go, and endless groundhogs day that repeats itself over and over again.

The land of limbo has taught me to take life one day at time, hell one minute at a time. And in limbo there are moments of one second at a time. It is an empty land with big open spaces that once were filled with dreams, with you! In limbo one is waiting, and waiting, and waiting. But unlike the CTA trains this line never seems to come into the station. I stand here on the platform of life waiting for a train that somehow is not on the track. Learning to stand and wait knowing that transportation is nowhere in sight is beyond hard. But here I stand, here I wait, here I hold the ticket that was my life in breathless anticipation that one day, someday, somehow I will get picked up and taken out of this space we call limbo.

The weird thing about limbo is that we all have stood here at some point. Maybe for different reasons, but none the less~ at some time each human has been waiting for life to start, something to begin, something to move forward... and there is comfort in knowing that at some point my ride of life will come and I will move from this dreaded land of limbo. I keep looking down the tracks thinking I hear the whistle blowing in the distance, that I will have a life again, love again, breathe again... but it is a phantom sound. And so here I stand. Each day a simple repeat of the day before, dreaming of you and the road ahead of me. The land of limbo is my address for now~ please forward all mail.
Around the world and back again~

Up, Up, Up In The Air

Dearest Trick~
Do you live in the clouds now? In my mind you live in a beautiful space up in the sky... your carpet is fluffy white cotton, your lamp is the sun and at night the stars twinkle just enough so you can see your way to the fridge for an evening snack or to lighting the way to the bathroom. How silly, but this is what I picture. Each step is softened by the wind and you float in a comfort that could not exist here on earth. So my love is it true? When the night falls and I look up to the moon and talk to you, do you hear me? Are you up, up, up in the air? I like to think so.

Now on a plane I find myself so close to you. The bright light shines in the horizon and I can't help but think that maybe ~ just maybe it is you lighting the way for me. I feel closer to you here thousands of feet off the ground then ever. As we climb through the clouds I feel like I am soaring towards you. But like all trips I will land soon and once again leave this closeness, this magical place in the sky, this heaven as I see it. I wish I could walk among the soft cotton I see outside the window. I look desperately for any sign of you. The shapes of the fluffy white puffs change and shift. The sun rises and beautiful orange and reds fill the sky. It is you painting a picture for me~ I know it. I can feel you you up here. It is as if this cramped seat has become the most comfortable furniture I have ever known.

For a brief moment when we fly we are able to cross into this magical space where we get to dance among the heavens. We are shown the most beautiful of visions in the distance. There is peace and silence and if I squint really hard as I look out the window I see you... playing among the horizon, laughing with the angels and welcoming the new souls sent your way.

I now love to travel, love to be on a plane where the miles are erased and you fly with me my love. If you look Trick, if you look really hard you will see it is me waving to you through the window of the flying machine that brings us so close I can almost touch you. Up, up, up in the air is the place where WE are still US. Flying with you in my heart always.
Around the world and back again~

Monday, March 19, 2012


Dearest Trick~
I know that it has been some time since I have written. I fear to say that the pain has consumed me these past few days. And when I take but a moment to tissue away the tears, walk out of my self-pity, I am reminded of my flaws. I am once again able to dance in the idea that what makes me harsh on myself…well, you loved all those parts. How incredibly lucky I have been to have known this type of love. The kind of love where your partner truly absorbs and understands all the intricacies of who you are, how you think, how walk in this world.

If someone would have told me when I was young that the fact that I laugh at my own jokes so hard I can’t get the punch line out would warm another’s heart I would think them a great liar. If I was told that there was man who would love EVERY curve I had, every wrinkle, every pound… I would most likely laugh in their face. If my silly mispronunciation of words, lack of ability to spell and horrific math skills would lead another to call me brilliant despite it         ~ I would most likely fall on my face. But all of those flaws, all of the things I grew up dreading about myself, you taught me to love. And in that I found out that there are a few of us lucky enough to be loved in a way that great novels are written. You know what I mean, long embraces in the rain, slow music playing that leads to the prefect kiss, the happily ever after us girls are raised to believe in.

Lately I have felt more alone, more broken, more selfish, and incredibly scared for the road ahead. I saw all of it as flaws. And now as I sit in bed in the early hours of morning and write this I hear you reminding me that who I am ~ all of me is 100% perfect for you ~ even my imperfections. And all of a sudden I can let me flaws show. I can bend and share and cry. I can slowly move forward and leave a tattered footprint. How lucky I am, I had a man who loved me… flaws and all. The only flaw in the world right now… well it is that you are not here.
Around the world and back again~

Saturday, March 10, 2012


Dearest Trick~
Home hasn’t been a place in space but more a place in my heart… a place where you and I lived, loved and dreamed. My HOME with you existed in a long narrow flat where the cold winds of a Chicago winter whistled through the plastic you put up to cover the windows each year. It was a floor to ceiling window and light filled space where we danced and laughed and dared to pounder the greatness that was us. It was a throw back apartment with funny western doors leading to the kitchen where you swept me off my feet for the first time in the California sunshine. It was 100-year-old wood floors that we sat and ate our first meal on as homeowners and basked in the adventures ahead. The space changed ~ the HOME never did, as YOU are my home.

In basic terms home is a place where you rest your head, where you find shelter, where you feed your body and soul, where you clean and wash away your worries, where you sleep and dream, where you get to be authentically you, where you are SAFE. And in 2001 I found my home for the very first time, I found you. You opened the DOORS to your heart and welcomed me in. You DUSTED away any pain I had from childhood and BAKED meals of hope and joy.  My home was grander than any mansion. It was warmer than the hottest of summer days. It smelled of opportunity, adventure, understanding, and LOVE. You created the best home any girl could ever want. It was as if I won the real estate lottery. My home was bigger, brighter, warmer, prettier, and stronger then I ever dreamed a place to live. As a child I never felt like I belonged. NY was never home, it was never me. I didn’t understand the concept… I thought home was place. How silly I was. Home is a feeling.

And now I feel like I am on the metaphoric line of the soup kitchen of pain. This type of homelessness goes beyond the walls that surround me. I am hungry for a feeling that will never be again. I want to be warmed by the fire of your love that is now gone. I want to sleep in the arms that will never embrace me on this earth.  This HOMElessness covers me in the dirt of widowhood, the filth of heartbreak, the hunger of loneliness, the fear of never feeling THAT feeling again. You know the one, the feeling I felt each time you tucked my arms deep inside your hugs and held my head. I miss my home. I miss having a place were I can dream and rest. I miss laughing and feeding the essence of who I am. I miss YOU, my house, my structure, my foundation, my HOME.

So I wander the streets of this life. I look in the eyes of others I pass wishing to see the light, but it does not seem to be. The light of my home went out on April 29, 2011. The doors were locked, the key tossed in the ashes. The curtains were drawn as I held your hand and you slipped away. I have been evicted from my life… and I am not sure why as I always paid my rent on time, I always loved you. It is true what they say, ‘home IS where the heart is’… and my home is broken, is torn down, and has been demolished. I have wonderful friends and family who like a good shelter have supported me. But, without you my heart and soul remain on the roads of existence traveling until I find my HOME once again.
Around the world and back again~

Friday, March 9, 2012

Spiritual Sabbatical

Dearest Trick~
I find myself at these crossroads in life and in my spiritual path. I can’t help but question if there is a higher power how could he/she take such wonderful people and be selfish enough to call them back instead of letting them grace the earth and bring change and happiness to others?! You and I were always spiritual even though we lacked to be religious. And now when so many grab for god, I am gabbing for you. I wonder how this universe works and where I fit in the puzzle we call our existence? I would love to say that I pray, but in reality it is really just a time that I talk to YOU. I would love to say that there is some old dude with a gray beard in the sky looking down on us with puppet strings masterminding the human adventure. But, I have come to not believe those things. I have come to question my own beliefs, my own reality, my own spirituality, and my own truth.

In a 9-month span I lost you and my dad. In 9 years I quietly stood by and watched 5 amazing people leave this world, leave my world ~ but never leaving my life! From my mom to your mom and dad and now my dad, I have endured what all children fear and at some point find to be reality~ being parentless, an orphan of sorts. But to lose you…that has made me question everything. And thus I find myself on a spiritual sabbatical. I search for answers on how the mysteries of our universe work, how it is that the stories of our lives play out as they do.  And in this journey I have learned so much, I have become so wise in ways and yet an infant in so many other ways.

The one thing I am sure of is that my path in this life is to learn about love, to share love, to be loved and to love in return. For some that may be love of a higher power, for some love a child, for some love of a parent, for some love of a place or passion, for me it is LOVE in its purest form… love of YOU.  I know that what we put out we receive, that we are not handed more then we can handle, that as beings we are stronger then we give ourselves credit for. And so now at these crossroads I question what my faith is in. I question not WHY this has happened to me, but WHAT can I learn from it.  And the lesson on this sabbatical I have taken is starting oh so slowly to form.

God or a higher power is NOT a puppet master but more the good that lives in us. To me it is not a he or a she or an it…it is US. We have the power to change the world, to make others smile, to soften the blows of life, to create a more peaceful journey. And this life we are given is one big class, one big opportunity to learn and share and grow. So maybe my lesson, what I can grow from, what I can share is LOVE. And my dear I know what love is because you loved me. How lucky I am. I might be questioning for a long time what life is all about. I might be growing spiritually for a while to come (I hope). I might question if there is a god. I might cry myself to sleep for some time to come. I might be dumbfounded by how everything has unfolded in my world. But, I am SURE of the fact that I have been given more then most~ I have been given YOU, and in that I have learned so much. If a ‘higher power’ is here to teach us, to hold us when we are brought to our knees, to give us faith when we question everything, to open our eyes to the beauty that surrounds us… then I guess god does exist because maybe god is YOU!

Around the world and back again~