I wear black because it is slimming not because I am a widow

Dearest Trick~

Black is this unique color. It has the ability to camouflage the rolls that form on my tummy, it looks great as a little dress, fab as a t-shirt with jeans, amazing as yoga pants, and by far the best color for eyeliner. Yup, black and me… we have a relationship. It has always been my color. It is one that I feel comfortable hiding in, dressing up in, or lounging in. But, I want to make it clear… I wear black because it is slimming NOT because I am a widow.

A lot has changed in these 4 ½ years since you left this earth. For goodness sakes the CUBS are winning right now!!! I have learned and grown. I have taken risks like leaving teaching to open my own company, and fallen on my face (like trying to balance the checkbook). My waistline has gotten smaller and bigger and smaller again… My hair has gotten shorter and longer and even purple. Ink has become permanent on my body tattooing my soul and my love for you. I have learned to fix a toilet, service the car, pay the bills (well most of the time) buy a home, do the lawn, build a kitchen, open my own business, and most of all ask for help in these short years. I have lost the vision of long term planning, having dreams, and ever becoming a MOM. But none of it, the good or the bad, the hard or the joyous has caused me to wear black… nope I do that because it is slimming.

Black to me is NOT a sign of mourning…. for I wear it… and I celebrate YOU! Black is just a color. It is one that has been thrust upon widows as a badge, a visual to how we are feeling on the inside. But my dear, as you know there is no color to express the complexity of emotions and feelings that live within me (and I am sure inside many widow/ers) Black is just slimming! Many keep waiting for my wardrobe to change. “When will she add some color back in” is often said behind my back.  Trick, I am not sure if anyone ever noticed that I ALWAYS wore black.

One should never judge a book by its cover. Often on days where my white button down covers my chest tend to be the days when I ache for you the most. Intricacy of life is stunning and frustrating, it is amazing and scary. And for all of it I tend to want to show up wearing black… because I wear it NOT as a widow but just as a color. If there was a color that represented how I was feeling over the loss of you… it would be the rainbow swished together with a brightness that would be blinding because that is what love feels like. And, love my dear does not die because you did! So, as I write this (in my black yoga pants and black tank) I am grateful for the fact that black is just a color and that I ware it because it is slimming NOT because I am a widow.

Loving and missing you with all the beautiful colors that the eye can see!

Around the world and back again~

Kaleidoscope

 Dearest Trick~

Life is like a kaleidoscope. It has these beads in beautiful colors that mix and toss to create patterns and views that can take ones breath away.  The more we grow, the more we turn, the more we see new images, new pictures with the beads of our life.  And at times when all becomes too busy, when daily routine gets the better of us… there is always this amazing kaleidoscope waiting for us to notice the exquisiteness that is made with all that we already have inside of who we are.

As I walk in this new world I find myself in, it is easy (as I am sure it is for most of us) to see only blur. To think that the beauty was something that once was, a delectable splendor that only lived in a world that you were a part of. I have thought that now I am handed a new kaleidoscope that somehow lacks to have the vibrance I remember life having. But last night as I walk in the silence and darkness I looked up to the sky. And there in the black I find the beauty in the stars. I see that the sky is still the same it once was. And thus, the kaleidoscope of life continues.

You see, that's what's brilliant about this whole concept of a kaleidoscope, the beads are always there, it's always the same pieces just mixed in new ways to form new beautiful visions. So I never truly lost you. My kaleidoscope never truly broke. The beads are not gray now. I just needed to come to realize, that even though life has changed… Even though this view is extremely different… The beads that you added to my life are still there. And so in this miraculous way, you get to be a part of the beautiful views that are yet to be seen in my life.

When one goes through any traumatic event it is so easy to give in. It is extremely simple to just cover-up, give up, see the blankness, dance in the horror. But to embrace the beauty… To allow the tantalizing colors of all that surround us to enter and touch your soul, that is what the Kaleidoscope  of life is all about. And for the rest of my days on earth I shall happily view all of the beautiful colors that get mixed into amazing patterns that become the essence of who I am. Thank you for putting the most beautiful of beads into the kaleidoscope I call my life. Miss you more than you'll ever know.

~Around the world and back again

The Horror of Forever Without

Dearest Trick~

In the wake of tragedy parents run home and embrace their kids. Couples curl up on the sofa watching the news unfold and hold hands a little tighter. Mom’s read an extra story at bedtime and dad’s toss an extra round of ball. In the hurt they reach out and fall into the arms of those they love, those that they lovingly call family. Dreams continue to bloom but with an awareness that they are fragile. Presents lay under trees or by menorahs. Meals are served, kisses are given, hugs are received, futures are realistic, lives although silenced right now ~ have potential, endless potential. Today in the wave of hell from the shootings in a small town the country holds on to one another.

BUT, that thing that I never wanted to share, those feelings that live in the quiet moments, the horror of forever without ~ is now thrust upon some 26 families.  And when in a few days the world starts spinning again, when the presents under the tree are unwrapped, when the clock strikes midnight and it is no longer 2012, those families … they will …. See presents that will never be played with or unwrapped… They will find empty beds that will never be warm again… They will find dreams collecting dust in their hearts and eating at their souls…They will long for something that cannot be filled…They will miss – everything! I thought if I felt these things… no one else would have to – I know so silly – right? And now like so many Americans I have the news on, but I sit in horror alone. I reach out , but there is no one to embrace. I see no gifts under the tree and no birthday gift awaiting your 42^nd birthday in a few short days.  And I can’t help but feel grateful for all I had and wishing that those families NEVER had to feel what they are and what they …. ALWAYS will. The Horror of forever without.

Around the world and back again~

Ali

Boot Camp

Dearest Trick~

This fall I started boot camp. I have pushed my body to do things I never thought it could do. With sweat pouring down my face I have done lunges, presses, balancing, and lifted weight I never imagined I could. And every time I wanted to give up, to give in, to engulf myself in the pain~ there was my trainer cheering me on, fixing my form, encouraging me to dig deep and find the strength that lived with in. Twice a week I put myself through this torcher and elation relationship of boot camp. My fat giggles, my arms wiggle, my legs throb and somehow when I think I can go no further, I sign back up, I show back up, I finish a set.

It occurred to me that my life is like boot camp. Each day I am dragging myself out of bed (even if I think I can’t take the pain of facing the day alone), climbing into the car of life, and driving down the road. And with each trip, each step forward, each fall backward ~I have YOU as my trainer…cheering me on, giving me strength, gently reminding me that this too will make me stronger, more flexible, better of a person. The boot camp of life is not easy. I dread to say it most likely was not easy when you were here next to me, but funny how it is simpler to “skip” a class when you have your partner to help you not focus on all the hard stuff life throws your way. And as my heart burns and my lungs ache from the breath that left my soul when you left the earth~ I feel you fixing my form (of life) as I learn to walk alone.

Maybe the Tuesday and Thursday routines of pushing myself to the limits is a physical reminder that I CAN push myself into this new life ~ even if it hurts, even if I think I am not open enough or flexible, I CAN carry the load of widowhood, I CAN climb the hill of life solo, I CAN embrace the journey. I have trainer, I have YOU! I hear you cheering me on among the wind as it blows across my body. I feel you fixing my form (view) of the future as I wash tears from my face. Some day when I get to see you again I will be able to thank you for helping me make it through the boot camp of life.

Around the world and back again~

So This Is Life?!

Funny how John L had it right, life really does happen when you are making other plans. We had endless plans for our life together. I had a roadmap of when and where we would get to each destination we so greatly wanted to be pit stops in our adventure we call life. I knew the side attractions that there was room for on our journey. I had TIME to enjoy the road trip. But now LIFE, well it has just started. As much as last year I tried to make it stop, I now find myself in a new life (even if I don’t want to be in it). Routine and daily expectations once again swim their way into my world. I have alarms that are set, dinner plans, new friends, a new place in a new city. I have work, and obligations. The phone rings again with friends telling me about their world, their needs, their lives and mine… mine is lost.

I feel like this “life” that is happening is not anything I wanted or dreamed about. But none -the -less here I am, and I must embrace that journey that I am headed on. Trick, it was almost easier when I lived in limbo. I did not have to face each morning’s alarm and not have you there to slam it off. I did not have to work all day and come home to a sink of dishes because I didn’t wash them and well, my guess is it is awfully hard to do chores from heaven. It didn’t matter if I was up all night crying about you as I could take a nap the next day. Life was not real, it had not started. I floated along waiting for the pain to stop, for life to start… or maybe I was waiting for the life I once had to magically come back.

That is the thing about life, it never really is how we planned it to be. Some of it is more magical, grander, better then we ever imagined. And parts are harder, slower, more painful then we think we can handle. I never planned to be lucky enough to have had love, to have been loved, to have known love, like the love you showed me. I never planned to embrace the small things. I never planned to laugh in the rain or dance in the kitchen. I never planned to sing a duet in the shower or camp in the mud. I never planned to have a best friend as a partner. I never planned to learn about myself through someone else. I never planned for trips to the library to be the most amazing of dates and take out Thai to be the most exquisite of meals. But plan or not, it all became a part of my life. I did not plan to be 36 and a widow. I did not plan to be childless. I did not plan to face my days and night alone.  But the plans I never had that were great, the plans I never had but got filled with YOU… they outweigh the plans that never came to be! I guess it is time to put the planner away. I guess it is time to open my arms and allow this new life in. And maybe, just maybe some more awesome “not planned” adventures will come my way. I am honored that so many of the best ‘unplanned’ moments of my life have been with you.

Around the world and back again~ 

Not A New Book

Dearest Trick~

I am not writing a new book just a new chapter! I get to be the author of my days and nights. I can pen my life as dark and horrific or as wonderful and adventurous. My world with you may have been a romance novel and now I think this chapter is more of an adventure and surrounded by the mystery of losing you.  As author and illustrator I can read the pages of the past and view all the beautiful paintings that have been collected in my story. I get to flip the paper and underline the “good parts” and add new pages and new lines as the story of my life continues.

For a bit I thought the book of us, the book of my life had to be shelved and that I had to start all over again. But no matter what hardships, rough patches, obstacles come we do not need to start over, we don’t need to stare at empty paper thinking we need to write a sequel or a totally new novel, all we have to do is turn the page and start a new chapter. The lines that already have been written belong in the book of life as they have made us who we are.

So I have picked up the pen of life. I have found the words have started flowing once again.  This chapter is unfolding to be a very good read. Maybe not every page is epic, it might not win the Pulitzer (that was more for the chapters that we shared) but it is written well, it is fun and I am ready to turn the page and see what comes next in this book we call life.  I know that your book was copyright 2011 but mine still lacks to have a date and as each paragraph gets written I get a little more comfortable with that. Thanks for being a great co-author for so many years.

Around the world and back again~