I find myself at these crossroads in life and in my spiritual path. I can’t help but question if there is a higher power how could he/she take such wonderful people and be selfish enough to call them back instead of letting them grace the earth and bring change and happiness to others?! You and I were always spiritual even though we lacked to be religious. And now when so many grab for god, I am gabbing for you. I wonder how this universe works and where I fit in the puzzle we call our existence? I would love to say that I pray, but in reality it is really just a time that I talk to YOU. I would love to say that there is some old dude with a gray beard in the sky looking down on us with puppet strings masterminding the human adventure. But, I have come to not believe those things. I have come to question my own beliefs, my own reality, my own spirituality, and my own truth.
In a 9-month span I lost you and my dad. In 9 years I quietly stood by and watched 5 amazing people leave this world, leave my world ~ but never leaving my life! From my mom to your mom and dad and now my dad, I have endured what all children fear and at some point find to be reality~ being parentless, an orphan of sorts. But to lose you…that has made me question everything. And thus I find myself on a spiritual sabbatical. I search for answers on how the mysteries of our universe work, how it is that the stories of our lives play out as they do. And in this journey I have learned so much, I have become so wise in ways and yet an infant in so many other ways.
The one thing I am sure of is that my path in this life is to learn about love, to share love, to be loved and to love in return. For some that may be love of a higher power, for some love a child, for some love of a parent, for some love of a place or passion, for me it is LOVE in its purest form… love of YOU. I know that what we put out we receive, that we are not handed more then we can handle, that as beings we are stronger then we give ourselves credit for. And so now at these crossroads I question what my faith is in. I question not WHY this has happened to me, but WHAT can I learn from it. And the lesson on this sabbatical I have taken is starting oh so slowly to form.
God or a higher power is NOT a puppet master but more the good that lives in us. To me it is not a he or a she or an it…it is US. We have the power to change the world, to make others smile, to soften the blows of life, to create a more peaceful journey. And this life we are given is one big class, one big opportunity to learn and share and grow. So maybe my lesson, what I can grow from, what I can share is LOVE. And my dear I know what love is because you loved me. How lucky I am. I might be questioning for a long time what life is all about. I might be growing spiritually for a while to come (I hope). I might question if there is a god. I might cry myself to sleep for some time to come. I might be dumbfounded by how everything has unfolded in my world. But, I am SURE of the fact that I have been given more then most~ I have been given YOU, and in that I have learned so much. If a ‘higher power’ is here to teach us, to hold us when we are brought to our knees, to give us faith when we question everything, to open our eyes to the beauty that surrounds us… then I guess god does exist because maybe god is YOU!
Around the world and back again~