A friend recently bestowed a great bit of wisdom on me. I was informed that I can only go or move “as fast as the slowest part of me”! In those words I found relief from the unending pressure I seem to be putting on myself. I know that if you were here you would be telling me to be soft with myself, to be easy with my journey, to be kind with my need for grief. But some how I have internalized everyone’s need for me to be super strong all the time. I have internalized the lack of people being there when I so need them. I have internalized the loneliness that consumes you at 3am when sleep is the furthest thing your body is willing to give you. Being a widow is so isolating and for it not to be, one must shove all the feelings and the pain and suffering so deep down in order to make it OK for the rest of the world to see you.
So I have sat and thought about this concept of only going as fast as the slowest part of you. It is so true. I can only heal as fast as I can. I have the moments when tears run down my face for no apparent reason, there is no trigger. On the other hand it seems like EVERYTHING is a trigger these days. I have emotions that were never really part of me prior to your passing. And, in all this ‘suckage’ I am left to cope in a way that seems tolerable to others when deal with the masses that know me. Thus, I have given myself permission!
~cry until I run out of tears
~not judge myself when I am in a dark place
~feel hurt when others lack to follow through or be there because it is uncomfortable for “them”, screw it ~ it hurts me
~be jealous of the old couples that get to hold hands or the young parents holding a baby
~need others to care for me
~celebrate YOU all the time
~accept that my world stopped and that it sucks that everyone else seems to have their world spinning
~feel the pain that just going outside brings
~ be negative every once in a while
~ be scared of being alone forever
~ move slowly
~ take time to talk about you as much as I want to
~ to ask for what I NEED and put my needs 1st
~ cancel on plans and not feel bad about it
~ not be perfect
~ not call others but wait for them to call me
~ take as long as I need to in order to heal, timelines are OUT the window!
~ ignore others advice as often it just makes me mad
~tell stories of you over and over and over again
~ be okay with the fact that I think it is UNFAIR you were taken from me
I can only move as fast as this my slowest part! So no I am not always going to sound chipper on the phone, most of the time I will be the complete opposite. You get that Trick, but others don’t. I mean I am actually asked, “Well what is wrong”. REALLY?! I am going to heal the best I can, however long that takes. Those that have been there through the journey will be forever etched in my heart, those that haven’t … I need to be okay with not being this “person” everyone expects from me. Most of all I need to be okay with you knowing that although I want to honor you and make you proud, although I want to remember all the joy we had and be thankful, although I want to be the positive woman you married, that somehow you will forgive me if I let myself FEEL this pain and be sad for a bit.
Around the world and back again~