“I don’t want a lot for Christmas there is just one thing I need…” Funny how the word need has changed so much for me this year. I listen to that old holiday song over and over again and think about all I want this Christmas is YOU. I want you to be here to make silly homemade gifts for. I want you to be here to get totally frustrated when asked to put together some electronic gift we got dad that is SO over your ability level. I want you to be here to over stuff your belly with food until it hurts and then catch you go downstairs to dad’s fridge at 2am to have some more. I want you here to say the same thing you say every Xmas before we go to sleep, “Honey you are the best present I could ever ask for, glad they didn’t wrap you up~ that would kill a lot of trees”. I miss laughing over that. I received so many lovely presents this year, many were to try to fill a void that cannot be filled. I am so grateful for it all from my art supplies to my new toothbrush. But somehow all the beautiful gifts so wonderfully wrapped lacked to contain the one thing I so wished for~ YOU.
I listened to that song again a few minutes ago. I thought about how it says that there is just one thing I need. I guess it is time for me to think about what I really NEED. I need to breathe~ somehow when I feel suffocated with heartache you find a way to pop in my head a funny memory and bam I am full of oxygen once again. I need to eat~ my heart can be FILLED for a lifetime over the wonderful adventures we took together. I need water~ thoughts of you quench my funny bone and my soul with endless smiles. I need love ~ you gave me a ton of that and even now from so far away you have made sure that I am surrounded with love from friends and family.
So maybe as I unwrapped my presents none of them were you, or maybe just maybe they all were. Maybe my Ipad is you sharing a little reminder of you crazy love affair with technology. Maybe my new slippers are you softening my steps as I walk alone on this earth. Maybe my new jewelry is you reminding me that I am pretty. Maybe my new art supplies are you prompting me to express myself, not hold back, share what is deep within me. Maybe my new toothbrush is you shouting at me to stop and take care of myself~ even the little things are important! Maybe you are always here, maybe you still get to be the best present I ever got, and I am glad you are not wrapped, that would have wasted a lot of trees. For how does one wrap up the spirit of love? Merry Xmas to the best gift ever!
Around the world and back again~