Friday, July 29, 2011

Releasing the counting

Dearest Trick~
I have been  playing this horrible game with myself over the past 3 months. There it is right there ~ the statement of today being 3 months! I count the days, the weeks, the months and on rough moments the minutes. I torture myself, as if keeping track and pulling my heart apart will make me a better wife. I count and count and count. All it does is make me sad, make me weak, make me less of the woman you loved. And so today I have given myself the gift of releasing the counting.

I will let the calendar do nothing more than state the date. I will no long count the days of what I lack to have, but look forward to what one day may be. I know this is what you want from me and for me. I know you want me to be happy, healthy, to love, to be loved, to dance, to sing, to swim in the sunshine of the universe. I dread that I let the sadness, I let time ~ rule me. I release it! I am not a better wife, a better widow (if there is such a thing) because I keep vigil on the date I lost you. If what you wanted when you left was a woman who wore black, stayed home, and kept a shrine to you~ well , you most likely would not have married someone like me. So why do I find myself doing some of those things.

I now know that it is okay to take a step forward. I am not forgetting you. I am not letting my love for you fade. I am not removing you from my heart or my mind. I am releasing the pain I now have inflicted on myself. I am going to give myself the right to move ~ to move on ~ what ever that may mean. And I take you with me. And I hope you understand. I can no longer let time eat away at who I am. I guess I thought when I reached some perfect date the pain would go away. I guess I thought I was honoring you by mourning you every Friday. But, today in the clearness of the morning I came to realize that to honor you is to take care of me. To honor you is to allow myself to heal. To honor you is to slowly learn what living in a world without you is like. I can't say I like this. I can't say I do not cry, as the tears stain my face as I write this. But I release time. I release the counting. I keep YOU!
Around the world and back again~

1 comment:

  1. Wow. That was so beautiful. I feel like you put into words what every person who is mourning feels. I did the same thing when my grandmother died. Since she passed the day Simone was born, every thing was "Simone is one month old today, yay! That means grandma has been gone a month." It took me a while to do what you did, let go of the count. And you're right, it doesnt make you a bad wife, out makes you healthy and more equipped to carry on Pats memory. I'm proud of you girl! Even in your pain you are such an inspiration.