Saturday, September 10, 2011

baby steps

Dearest Trick~
 It is funny how baby steps can add up to giant leaps! Each day I take more baby steps to healing. I find a way to put one foot in front of the other. And when it all is added together I have leaped into new levels of growth. I would being lying if I said any of this is easy. It is beyond hard! Yet each day I take a step, and each day I grow.

I never thought "walking" could be so difficult. It is an action I have done every day of MY life since I was little. But now I long for a time when I needed to be carried. That is not an option for me, thus I take baby steps. One step at a time, balancing the hardship of losing you with the reality of being on my own.

I take baby steps when our doggie doesn't want to leave the front door because he is waiting for you to come in. I take baby steps when I answer a call dealing with bills in regards to you. I take baby steps when I get on a plane to go to events (like the wedding I will journey to next week). I take baby steps when I go to therapy. I take baby steps when I truly look in the mirror and find the face of the woman you married looking back at me. I take baby steps when I forgive those who have not or can not be there for me right now. I take baby steps when I accept that for the first time in my life it is okay for me to be a little (and I mean only a little) self centered. I take baby steps when I climb into an empty bed knowing it shall never be filled with you. I take baby steps when I listen to other peoples issues and walk away from my pain for a moment. I take baby steps when I allow myself the chance to laugh. I take baby steps when I cry from the deepest core of my being. I take baby steps when I let others in. I take baby steps when I let my guard down and trust that not everyone will leave, will die, will hurt my soul.

And then time comes. You blink and the days and hours have added into weeks and months. And all the baby steps have added into leaps of growth. I have leaped into strength I never thought I had. I have leaped into a woman you would  be proud of. I have leaped into a person who is learning to stand up for herself, knowing I deserve the best and not settling for less then that. I have leaped into the "Ali" you always saw in me.

All the steps and the leaps ~ all of them are hard and heartbreaking. This "walking" sucks because you cannot walk with me. I loved walking with you at my side. I loved the footprints of life that we were able to make as a couple. Now I step alone, I leap solo and walk by myself. But all I have to do is close my eyes and you are there cheering me on as I WALK into this new life. I miss you and hope that you are able to walk in heaven in peace.
Around the world and back again~

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