Thursday, September 15, 2011

5 Years

Dearest Trick~
In therapy the other day (yes I go all the time ~ how else could I navigate this world without you) I was asked where I see myself in 5 years. That question was like a slow motion car crash you see in the movies. You know the ones where the whole audience is screaming "watch out" "hit the brakes" "swerve left"...
I crashed into the brick wall I call life. I had no answer. I know you wish I had no answer for a ton of  things while you were here and now that you are gone ~ I am without words.

Where am I going to be. What could I possible dream of. The past few days it has danced and tumbled in my mind. Hard as I might, I can't seem to picture anything. Me, the queen of planning, the artist of dreaming has lost her skills to do so. How does one picture a life when life is not at all as one pictured? How can I even think about dreaming when all my dreams have always lead to you. And I do mean ALWAYS! Even as a little girl I had a thing for red heads. I would take sheets and drape them over me and pretend to be a bride. I never had a picture of the man ~ the knight in shinning armor (or in your case the knight in shinning duck tape) but I knew what he would be like. He would be tall and kind, he would make me laugh and laugh with me. He would be smart but silly, a grown up with the eyes of a child. He would see the good in me and I would adore all of him. Yup, I married that man I dreamed of as a small child. I got to wear a white dress and dance in his arms.

If someone asked me 5 months ago where I would be in 5 years, I could give a detailed list. It would include a child and a house, maybe a published book or two or three, and most all at the top of the list would be YOU. Now, nothing. So for a few days now I have sat in the pain. I have sat in my thoughts. I guess for the the first time in life it might be okay to not know where tomorrow leads me. I have to be at peace with that. I am not sure where I will be in 5 years. I am not sure what dreams I may have between now and then. But one thing is for sure, you will still be with me in my heart! Be it 5 years, 10 years, 50 years ~ you will always be the man of my dreams. I love you.
Around the world and back again!

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