There is no GPS to being a young widow. There is no map to tell me how to navigate through this hell I seem to call my life. I desperately want to hear that annoying woman's voice saying, "turn left at the pain and go 300 miles~ turn right and cry for 10 days." It is so hard being LOST in all of this. It is like I am wandering with no destination and no idea where I might be heading.
It is beyond scary not to know at all what life might be like. I know that at some point this sharp pain will lessen but I have no guide to tell me when that will be. How "should" a widow act? What things "should" I be doing? How do I fill out all the paperwork? How do I not take personally that fact that I am now called MS. and not MRS? There is no GPS for this, and I really want one. You know that I was never good with directions. Prior to having a talk voice coming from a box on the dash of our car, you always did dry runs with me when I needed to go somewhere new. It is so hard because there is no planing for this, there is no dry run when you lose someone as wonderful as you so suddenly. You were always amazing with maps. You collected them, loved reading them. Hey, you could find your way around Spain and France when we traveled and those maps were not in English. You amazed me with your ability to FIND YOUR WAY in life. I dread that I am lost. I am traveling with no map, no directions, no destination and most of all~ with no YOU.
Travel, leads to growth. You always taught me that. And so, I am trying to see the growth in this adventure I am taking. I am trying to not panic when I am lost in a sea of confusion. I am trying to be okay with not being able to take out a map to find my way home. I guess what makes it hard is that home is where the heart is ~ so my home is with you. I might not know where to turn, what roads to take, or where I will end up. But, I know that you are watching over me, proud of each step I make in a new direction. That gives me the strength to venture on in the dark hours, in the rain, in the storm we call widowhood. It would be easier if I had a talking woman on the dash board of life telling me what to do and where to go. But, a GPS, a map, directions... none of it exists. So I move forward each day unsure of where the day will lead me. I dance in the fear and swim in the pain. The road may be hard, but I am on it. If you could send a sign, some directions, I would gladly accept them. Since I know that can't be ~ I keep trucking, I keep moving, I keep loving you!
Around the world and back again~