Friday, November 4, 2011

Open Window

Dearest Trick~
In life we need to look for the open windows even when the room we reside in seems stuffy and closed. I have searched for the window that needs to be somewhere in this journey. The doors are shut but in my heart I know that when you left, you made sure there was a window open.

For the first few months I felt like I was in control, like there were endless doors that could be opened and lead me to happiness, to a new life. Travel, friendships, and memorials… they all filled my days and so I never had to dance in the pain, face the fact that this room I call my life was dark, lonely and airless. Then reality hit! The doors were locked and in that moment panic, pain, isolation and fear set in.  I am trapped, I am alone, I am in a place I do not want to be, I am sad, I am scared, I am angry. I paced around the chamber of widowhood hoping that it would all go away. That I could find comfort in another, as if talking to a friend or visiting a place and pushing this deep down inside of me would cure the lack of oxygen in my life. Working through that dark, hard, emptiness in a room I could not get out of was difficult but part of this journey. And when I could cry no more, when my voice was too weak to scream~ in that moment you came into my mind and clarity was given. “Look for the open window”!!!!

The walls of grief (no matter what that grief is caused by) seem solid and dark. But, the more I heal, the more I go to therapy, the more I do the practice of yoga, the more I open my mind and my heart, the more I see that there is a small light flowing into this space I am in. As I stopped PUSHING everyone and everything away I was able to feel a slight breeze on the back of my neck, on the back of the fear of living a life without you. And now stopped in my path of pacing and pain I take a step towards the air, towards the brightness that is willing to shine on my skin, towards a new world, a new self, a new life. I LOOK for the open window. I embrace the change that is tossed in my direction.

I know you left an open window. I know you want me to walk towards it, to climb out it and be happy. I know that you are watching over me begging me to just open it all the way~ that outside this apartment of sadness there is a whole world, a whole life, a whole new set of adventures just waiting for me to grab. Today for the first time I walked to the window. I found it and opened it a crack. I can taste the sweat cool air in my lungs, I can feel the breeze as it kisses my skin and I feel you! This was first step; opening the window you left for me. I am not sure of what that land out the window is. I am unaware of the path I am yet to be on. But I know you want me to LIVE, to LOVE and to BE happy… and so I open window. There is no door as you held the KEY to the door of my heart, but the window…. It is open and I am ready and scare but willing to look out and maybe ~ just maybe ~ one day climb out!
Around the world and back again~

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