Slow Down

Dearest Trick~

In this crazed weird world we live in, everyone seems to be in a rush. They are hurrying to a job that they wish gave them more money. They are heating up some frozen meal that they wish was homemade. They are driving on autopilot unaware of how they got to their destination. They are repeating the same conversation over and over again wishing there was more to say. They are waiting for the next vacation, promotion, experience. And in this rushed world THEY are missing everything. You see the greatest things in life are found in the slow moments, in the simple smiles, in the random small acts of kindness. I fear it takes loss in order for most of us to slow down. Hell, when I lost you life did not slow down; it came to a screeching halt! That is what loss does. It gives us a forced reason to stop and remember. It gives us a second to reflect on memories that become moments that change us. It provides us time to stop the urgency of everyday monotony.

I would love to say that you and I always slowed ourselves down. That we always took the time to notice the wonder that is provided just past the tip of our nose. It is true that most of time we did. That as a duo, you and I noticed the kind man giving his leftover meal when leaving a restaurant to the homeless mother on the street. I guess because that was usually us. I would love to say that we took each moment to learn and change as it came, not waiting for it to be a memory that rocked our core due to loss. Often we did. But, just like the rest of is busy world, we flew from time to time on auto, on routine, on waiting for more and missing all that is! So now that my world is so slow I wish it would spin again, I get the luxury to view the greatness in the smallest of experiences. I get the opportunity to feel the sun truly warm the air and be amazed at this feat of greatness. I get the chance to see the man at the store smile as he passes the old woman in the walker dressed to the T because the adventure to the grocery is the highlight of her week. I get the indulgence to hear the children outside laugh with all the cells in their little bodies. I get the treat of letting someone go in front of me in line; I am not in a rush. I get to be completely aware of all my ventures and lack to ever be on cruise control.

There was a lot that you and I slowed down to enjoy in life. Many of the moments that flood my mind late at night are just walks down memory lane, not lessons that I did not get the first time. How blessed I am. How awesome it is that WE took the time to watch the leaves change when we went for our 5am walks together. How incredible it is that we tasted winter on our tongues each year as the cold raged in. How splendid it is that we often stopped paying bills, answering phones, replying to emails just to dance in the kitchen. How tremendous it is that at night when we both were reading in bed, we held hands and felt each other’s skin and pulse. How breathtaking it is that we had endless conversations without saying a word. I wish I had done that every minute. I wish I had slowed down even more.

In this whirlwind of a world there are times (too few but some) that a person will ask ME what they can do, what I need or how they can help ease some of this hell I find myself living in. I always say the same thing “ since you can’t bring him back, I guess there is nothing you can do.”  You know what, from this point on when I am asked what I need, how can I help, what can I do… I am going to ask that person to do one very simple yet extremely complex thing… I will ask them to SLOW DOWN! Thanks for slowing down with me for so many years.

Around the world and back again~

Dear Santa

Dearest Trick~

As a child growing up in a mixed marriage of religions I had the best of both worlds. I got to light the menorah and come Christmas morning I found a pile of presents a man named Santa had left me while I was asleep. I thought all children should grow up this way ~ being exposed to all sorts of customs and holidays. Like mother, like daughter I guess they say. So it was not a shock when I also fell for someone who came from a different background then me. You, my read headed Irish love, oh how you opened my eyes to new and wondrous traditions. But, as child I found myself right around this time of the year taking out paper and pencil. I wrote to this jolly man, asking him like a genie to grant wishes I had. I have never been the “normal” type of child (or adult for that matter) we know that. So my letters were always for something so unrealistic, so much bigger then a toy. Never did I ask for a bike or a doll. It was more like a plea for hearing in my left ear. Or one year I asked to wake up thin and popular. I am sure as you can guess that Santa man is not powerful enough to fund those types of wishes.  But each year I wrote. Each year unknown to my family, I placed the little slip of paper under my pillow and slept on it. Like the movies that flood the T.V. at this time of year, I thought that maybe ‘this is the year’ that my wish will be fulfilled.

This year as the holidays consume all of us, my heart brakes. With each Christmas song that plays I lose a little of the sunshine that it use to bring to my heart. But since I have LOST everything else in my life, what do I have to lose???? I guess this year I will write one last hopeless letter to the man in red and sleep with it under my pillow. Maybe just maybe he can make a miracle happen. Here goes nothing and everything…

Dear Santa~

I have been a VERY good girl this year. I have held myself together when others would have retreated into the darkness. I kissed my husband as his last breath left his body never screaming or yelling, as I wanted it calm for his release. I have forgiven all the doctors and staff that made mistakes that cost me EVERYTHING. I have worked hard not to be selfish and continued to know what is going on in my friend’s lives. I have celebrated their happiness in life even when I lack to have any in mine. So this year all I want for Christmas is one more dance with Patrick in the kitchen. One more moment to get lost in his arms. One more chance to hear his heart beat and feel mine match it. One more kiss of his soft lips. One more inhale of his mixture of body wash and deodorant. One more opportunity to hear his voice soft and low singing along to what ever song we are dancing to. One more slow dance in the kitchen! I am not asking for a you to bring him back for a lifetime, I know that cannot be. I am not asking for a child, as I will most likely always be childless. I am not asking you to bring me some wonderful love that will sweep me off my feet, as I dread that I might be alone forever. I am not asking for you to take away the pain I feel, as I know you can’t. But if I could just have one song worth of a dance ~ doesn’t even need to be a long one, just one song, one last embrace, oh I would be so grateful!

Sincerely,

Ali

Once again I ask for something that cannot fit under a tree. This wish cannot be wrapped. There is no red bow big enough for this magnitude of a present. But for now I will sleep with this small paper in hopes that maybe that jolly man in his tacky suit can find a way to bring you back to me for one last dance, one last moment, one last second of US.

Around the world and back again~

Baby Steps

Dearest Trick~

When a child is born they need to be held. They need to be rocked and soothed into the comfort of this new world they have been thrust into.  In time they roll over. Everyone “oohs and ahhs” over this growth, this new act of development in life. As time continues a tot starts to scoot, the first act of independent mobility.  And somehow like magic that scoot becomes a crawl. Knees get raw, bruises are found for the first time. But the crawl is the start of adventure, of journey. When confidence or maybe it is just time happens ~ that toddler begins to walk. Taking baby steps, holding on to items like walls and furniture for dear life. The steps combine to the act of walking, wobbly and unstable but walking nonetheless. And that starts the process of a child creating its own way in the big world.

Maybe I am a baby in the world of widowhood. I long to still be held and rocked but I am past that. There lacks to be anyone here to hold me or rock away the pain of loss.  I am scooting and crawling to this new life I am destined to live. I am bruised from all the time I spend on my knees crying. My elbows are scrapped from dragging myself in a new direction, in a new route in life. Like the small child I am scared. I fear falling. I fear moving forward without you. But I crawl. I drag my heart and myself onward in hopes that this path I am on will lead to a stronger ME. Trick, I want to stand, I want to hold onto the sofa of life and take my first steps. But it seems unbearable to take even one step into this scary world without you. I crawl onward. Rug burns of life etched on my soul as I try to rally my inner self to stand, to hold myself up even when my knees are buckling.

I guess it is that I fear that once I start walking, once I take the baby steps ~ that I will be leaving a piece of you behind, a piece of me. I do not have parents “oohing and ahhing” over the growth I have made. My act of being strong enough to roll over and face life each day is not cheered or documented. There is no baby book to be filled with milestones in widowhood. But somehow, I think you are up there cheering me on. You are proud of my ability to roll over and scoot my butt out of bed each day. I am pretty sure you look down delighted as I crawl from day to day. I would guess that you are pleased when you hear me find something to laugh about in life ~ taking those baby steps towards healing. I crawl because I know that one day I will not just walk again, but run. And in the end after I have made my way in this world I get to crawl, scoot, run, walk, dance back into your arms. I think I am going to grab onto the wall of life and try to take step. Will you catch me if I fall? I guess it is time for me to catch myself. Shoes are on, laces are tied… I will walk again one day. I will take the steps needed to heal. I will find my way in this big world. I am ready to take the baby steps, ready to learn how to stand on my own  ~ two feet. But know I still need you holding up my spirit as I walk towards this new land that lacks my favorite playmate.

Around the world and back again~

Shut Up And Listen Up!

Dearest Trick~

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to talk to an old friend. Haven’t really talked to him in 11 years, not since I first met you. And as I had in college and in my early 20’s I once again learned something from this friend. He reminded me that it is okay to be soft with myself, that expectations I place on who I am ~ need not be. But posed a question ~ not one to be answered but one to think about. “What do you think your purpose would be if it was not to be Pat’s voice and spread him? As it seems that this is what you have been doing.” I was blown away as I did not think this was my purpose or path, but with closer examination maybe that is what I have been doing these past 7 months. Maybe I have been working so hard to beg others to hold on to what they have, to appreciate what I saw them so easily taking for granted, to dance in the moments life has given them~ that maybe, just maybe I forgot what MY purpose, MY path might be.

The more I pondered this, the more I knew deep in the quiet depths of my soul that YOU would hate anyone spending their lives, their energy, their dreams in pursuit of who you were and what you gave. You never wanted to leave footprints for others to follow, no not you. You wanted everyone to be authentic, to follow their own path~ map out their own journeys~ learn from their own adventures. So now I take a step back and realize that our love story might inspire others. Your endless love of toys and playing might encourage others see the child within themselves. Our simple view of happiness might motivate others to enjoy the modest intricacies of life. But, my purpose is mine to find out. I do not know what it is yet. This dear friend reminded me that it is okay not to know. The more I let myself contemplate what it is I am to learn, I am to do, I am to be~ the more I KNOW that it is MY journey I should be on. As hard as it is to think of venturing on in a world without you, I know you are ready for me to do just that. I fear I am not sure if I am ready, but who is ever really prepared for the greatest opportunities of growth in life? I said to this dear friend that my role is to be a giver and that I get that. His voice softened (just as yours always did when you wanted to tell me something important and hard to hear) and he reminded me that it is all right to be a receiver.

So receive I am ready to do. I am ready to shut up, open up, listen up! I am ready to learn from others, these great teachers found in friendship. I am ready to be lost and be okay with having a lack of control or direction. I am ready to shut up the voice that wants to TELL everyone to be thankful for what they have. I am ready to open up my EYES to new experiences that might be hard but needed for me to be authentically me. I am ready to listen up with my one working EAR to advice, questions, and stories from others who luckly cross my path. I am going to work towards opening my heart to others and not building this brick wall of holding on to just the past. I am going to work towards listening to the voice inside myself and not the voice of what I think is expected of me. I am going to work towards shutting up and learning from the silence ~ as silence is a wonderful teacher.

In order to honor you, I guess you would want me to honor myself. I am not saying this expedition will be easy. I am sure it will require some agony. But I am ready to venture into the unknown, ready to listen, ready to be listened to when it is from a true place of self, and ready to find my purpose ~ my purpose without you. You already filled yours. Each of us lucky enough to walk for but a moment on your road of life has been touched, I need not share it, it has already been shared. Thank you for sending this old friend back into my life. Thank you for giving me the strength to be OK with who I am. Thank you for demanding in the hush of the wind, that I find my own purpose in the new life I am leading.

Around the world and back again~

Norm the Wonder Dog

Dearest Trick~

In June of 2009 we became parents not of a baby, but our fur baby (who was not a puppy but an older doggie) and the DeVeny Duo became a trio! Norm the wonder dog wagged into lives and hearts. The dream you had since childhood to have a dog became a reality and I got to view it all. I got to watch you teach our new family member how to sit, cross the street, follow directions… but I think what I really saw was Norm teaching you. He taught you that you were needed by more than just me. He taught you that even a dog can be a Cubs fan. He taught you that snow was much more fun to play in then rain. You two were instantly two peas in a pod. They say a dog is a man’s best friend and Norm was 100% yours. From the moment he put his paw up on the glass door “adopting us” it was hard to ever see Patrick without Norm right behind. What joy having a pet, having a fur child, having Norm has been to us as a couple.

Since you have gone to heaven Norm has suffered, I will not lie. Every night he does “his rounds” looking and waiting for you to walk through the door. He waits in breathless anticipation for his daddy to come home and rub his belly. I try to tell him that you can’t come home, sometimes I think he understands ~ sometimes I think he has hope that this is all a bad dream and daddy will sit and listen to a Cubs game on the back deck once again.

I thought how horrible it is that we were not lucky enough to have a baby together. After all the fertility treatments and trying that we were left wishing and dreaming that next month would be better. I found myself jealous of the other young widows that have children and get to see their husbands daily through their kid’s eyes. They get to hold on to a piece of a man that is now gone. I do not have that. And today I realized I do. When I cry at night it is Norm that comes quietly and lies on the floor next to my bed. When loneliness encapsulates all that I am, Norm simply comes over and lies at my feet putting one paw on my knee ~ as if he is reminding me that all is okay. He requires me to get out of bed and outside into the fresh air daily, even if I only want to hide, I can’t because I have him. It is as if you left me purpose by making sure when you left Norm was there for me. Sometimes when he looks at me with his big brown eyes, when he holds a stare as if he is looking into my soul, I feel like it is YOU looking at me once again. And so I sit, I pet Norm and I miss you. I hope that this holiday season people walk down our path and adopt a DOG (not a puppy) from a shelter. Sending wagging tails and love from here to you.

Around the world and back again~

Joy

 

Dearest Trick~

This is the time of year when I feel sad and left out. Where your absence is overwhelmingly painful. But this morning I took a step back, breathed in the misty morning air and felt the joy! My love, you have given me more joy then most get in a lifetime. You smashed so much love, laughter and happiness into 11 short years. You made everyday that I was LUCKY enough to spend in your presence wonderful. Life was an adventure from small trips and walks to unending spectacular views… all because somehow the world thought I was special enough to get to share the joy you had to give. Maybe it is about how we structure our mind, our views on life. I think I need to reach for that joy that you bestowed on me. And so in this lake of pain I swim towards the joy, the little sun that peaks through to shine on my soul. I guess that is you reminding me to embrace the beauty that is life.

The joy never came from big things. No, you had a way of making the smallest event a spectacular life-changing journey. I remember the joy I had when we finally had a Saturday date day together. Money was more then tight but that day you said we were richer then anyone in the land. We boarded the CTA train and road it from library to library around Chicago. It was magical. “Every book is yours for the taking, every adventure written on these pages are just for you” you said with a grand sweep of arm as if opening a world to me. I loved the joy you instilled in me that day as we checked out book after book at different libraries. It was better then a world cruise to me. My mind floats back to the day we were handed keys our condo~ our very first home we owned. Every penny was counted for, the paint we would roll ourselves was carefully budgeted and the painter’s tape had to be used cautiously as we had a set amount of rolls we could pay for. But you wanted to give me a fancy first night in our home dinner. I entered the greatest restaurant ever, you got the best table ~ one with a view… a simple blanket on the floor of our new home and Chinese food in take out boxes with chopsticks. The joy of eating, laughing, and painting that night is a memory that can sustain me for a lifetime. My mind adrift to our very first trip together, a camping trip to Yosemite. As we rode in your jeep, top down, music blaring you pulled over next to the largest tree I ever saw. We looked down at a valley that had been burnt, trees dead, black ground, tears rolling down my face. You with your joy showed me that this valley was really a nursery for baby trees and plants to grow. That the wisdom of the old trees leave their marks for the babies to have their chance to be part of this world, to shade a hiker, to make oxygen, to be a home to an animal. It was that trip; no it was that moment that I knew you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with! You have given me so many moments of pure joy! How dare I disgrace that by feeling self-pity because now I am left with pain and a life to face alone? I must reach for the memory and joy you worked so hard to make part of our daily lives.

And so yes I might cry. I might have moments that hurt and I feel sad. But, I will power through them in order to reach for the joy that sits within my heart. I will look for the little moments in life where you are reminding me of how lucky I am to have this life I live. I will be aware of the rain that makes the flowers grow, the sun that warms the grass that Norm likes to lay on, the wind that cools my skin in the evening as I go for a walk. Thank you for the joy that you bequeathed on my soul. For today I reach, I feel, I remember, I live the joy! Thank you for being the joy of my life.

Around the world and back again~

Recipes

Dearest Trick~

As the days slip into fall and the air changes (even here in TX) I moved the thought of my first set of holidays without you from the back burner to the aching front burner of my mind. I often wonder how I will make it through this next month and a half. Where does one get the strength? Where do I begin to inhale when life is suffocating me with Christmas music and family movies about THANKSGIVING? Today was the start of dealing with this painful time of year. Today is the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Today is our traditional shop for food until our feet hurt day. Today was the “better clean all the crap out of the fridge because I am filling it” day. Today was the two-sided shopping list day. Today was the “hey I can’t find the scrap of paper that recipe was on” day. Today was OUR day to begin to create a day of thanks for our friends and family that ventured into our home both in Los Angeles and then in Chicago.

But my fridge is just that MINE ~ so there lacks to be wall-to-wall food. There is not scrubbing going on because the house will be filled with voices and laughter. There is no guest list being updated and changed by the moment since we lived by the “everyone is welcome” philosophy. And your tin box of recipes sits untouched in the cabinet waiting for your hands to run along the endlessly stuffed square of yummy ideas. Your recipes sit waiting for you to once again unfold their tattered ends of crumpled paper. They wait for you to drop new drips of sauce, oil, and butter on them ~ giving new stains to the recipes of love you shared with those of us lucky enough to have had our mouths fed and our souls nourished by YOU! The glass pie pans sit collecting dust in the lower selves and will not be filled with apples, pumpkin, and pecans this year. I will not have the joy of cleaning flour off ever surface in our kitchen. Brown sugar lacks to be in the fridge and bread is not laying out to get hard for your stuffing. Folding chairs will not be pulled out and plastic ware is not being purchased. There is the absence of the smell of cinnamon that normally wafts through the house this point of the year. Your turkey plate remains wrapped and put away. The rolling pin of life that you used to not just create a yummy crust but a smile for so many faces stays in the draw untouched.

The over stuffed tin box of all your recipes stays on the 3^rd shelf, I can see it from a distance but not reach it with out getting on my tippy toes. I guess I like it that way. I guess it reminds me of you right now. You are so close yet so far away. It is like I can feel you hugging me and also aware of the fact that I will never feel that hug in real life again. Your handwriting, your mom’s, your dad’s… everyone who is gone from me ... it fills the papers in that box. Memories of flavors rush thought my head as I remember you writing new recipes on the back of old envelopes, torn scraps of paper, or napkins. Your recipe box is a plethora of memories crammed together with love. The flavors of our life are sprinkled in that box. And I can’t bring myself to open it, to take it out of the plastic bag you put it in. I can’t fathom the thought of eating on Thursday. And so as many of my friends and family sit together next week, as they come around the table to eat, be merry, and share their thanks~ I will sit in silence! I will sit with the hole in my heart because you lack to sit next to me. I will not ware an apron, feed mouths, or be a hostess, I will sit, I will wait, I will think… of YOU! Life just doesn’t “taste as good” without my favorite chef in it!

Around the world and back again~

What I Get

Dearest Trick ~

There are a few things I get since you were ripped from my arms and our world. What I get is not fair or wanted, but it is my reality.

~I get to feel a lump in my throat when I see an old couple holding hands knowing I will NEVER have that with you.

~ I get to feel a pain in the pit of my tummy when I see small children playing ball with their dad.

~ I get to cry myself to sleep nightly.

~ I get to NOT be able to check the “married” box when filling out paperwork but have to check the widow or more often there is not  a box for me as I refuse to check single!

~ I get to dislike mealtime since it lacks to have you.

~I get to walk into shops hearing holiday music knowing that this holiday and every one to follow will lack to have the one present I want – YOU!

~ I get to take out my own garbage, clean alone, pay the bills solo.

~ I get to stare at pictures of you and wonder what it would be like for you to be here with me.

~I get to be bitter when all the “holiday romance” movies come on TV. It is like every channel is like LIFETIME network this time of year.

~I get to go without birthday cards, anniversary kisses, or holiday homemade gifts.

~ I get to not have flowers brought to me for no reason at all - you were the best at that!

~I get to live in a world that stopped when everyone else has moved on.

~I get to take care of Norm the wonder dog during the stormy nights when all he wants is his daddy – me too!

~I get to put on a fake smile and be happy when all our friends reach new milestones in their lives that I will NEVER reach.

~I get to feel lost and abandoned on a daily basis.

~I get to be in touch with the emotion of jealousy.

~I get to be brought down to my knees multiple times a week because the pain of losing you is so intense.

~ I get to spend endless hours in therapy trying to figure out how to BE me.

~I get to daydream of you knowing that those dreams will never come true.

~I get to feel broken and beat down.

~ I get to be angry that you were taken from me so young.

~I get to wonder what went wrong with the doctors and the hospital.

~I get to learn how to forgive!

~I get to realize that I had more in my 11 years with you then most have in a lifetime.

~I get to face the world alone but have you as my guardian angel watching over me.

~I get to complete some of your wishes and dreams.

~I get to close my eyes and visit you in my mind.

~I get to remember what dancing in the kitchen felt like.

~I get to feel the gravity of TIME and be grateful for the time I had with you.

~I get to appreciate what true love is – as I had it!

~ I get to MISS YOU every second, minute, hour…. every moment!

Around the world and back again~

The Whisper

 Dearest Trick~

Among the endless hours I spend in therapy or on my yoga mat ~ I listen to hear your whisper. I know that you will not come to me like a ghost that floats down and sits on my bed at night. I know I will not see you as some aberration as I venture in the world. But I hear you whisper to me all the time. We all get “whispers” in life but we lack to listen. You know what I mean, the little signs in life heading us in the right direction. The small symbols reminding us our loved one is watching over us. The tiny feelings we get in our bellies when we know what is the right or wrong choice when facing a decision. The slight voice we hear in our HEARTS not our minds. The faint truth that lives deep in our souls, that is the whisper. I fear that we all tend to not listen. Trick, I am listening with all my being!

And in the silence of life, in the quiet hours of growth I hear you. I hear you rooting me on as I take new steps. I hear you cheering as I claw my way to a new life. I hear you applauding my choices as I discover myself. I hear you clapping as I learn how to breathe alone. I hear you praising me as I dance into who I AM!

If we all listened to the whispers in life, I bet the hardships would be a lot easier. I might not get to hear your voice, but your whisper… it is part of who I am! And that whisper embraces me in the rain, holds me in times of fear, and grips me when I am about to fall. The slightest whisper lives in the essence of who we truly are. It protects us and envelopes our hearts. I listen! I hear you! I hear you telling me to make a home for myself. I hear you telling me to take chances. I hear you telling me that in time it all will be okay. I hear you! I might crave your voice, your laugh, and your touch. What I get is your whisper ~ the soft knowledge that is part of you inside of me.  I listen not with my ears but with my heart. My heart is open and waiting for more whispers.

Around the world and back again~

Not Fair

Dearest Trick~

It is infinitely easy for me to say that life is not fair. Others effortlessly respond with how cruel and unfair the world has been towards me. It is not fair that I no long get to kiss your lips, hear your laugh, feel your embrace, and have your support. It is unfair that I no longer have you by my side, have a person to share my life with, have the chance to follow our dreams. How simple it is to see my life and the loss of yours as not fair!

But when I take a step back, when I see the big picture I realize how very wrong this line of thinking is. It WAS fair for me to get to have a best friend, partner, lover, dreamer, and comedian every day for almost 11 years. I am blessed to have had only one argument in all those years. I am lucky to have known true love ~ something many never experience in a lifetime. Yes in the quite hours I fall into the hole of thinking how unfair life has been to me. And then in the silence ~ the wind, like you whispering in my ear brings reality to me.

What is NOT fair is that there are hungry children in the world. What is not fair is that many elderly are not able to afford or given all the medication they need. What is not fair is that our men and women of the armed forces often live bellow poverty line. What is not fair is that teachers are underpaid and over worked. What is not fair is that there are illnesses that lack to have cures. What is not fair is that there are homeless in EVERY city in this country. What is not fair is that there are thousands of children in the “system” that lack to have an adult to call their own. What is not fair is that most families have more month then money. What is not fair is that animals must be killed each day because shelters are over crowded. What is not fair is that abuse happens behind closed door each day.

So maybe I should see how unbelievably FAIR my world has been for I had you. It might be hard to take steps each day with you gone, but what would have been unfair is not having had the chance to love you, and be loved by you at all. If we all saw how truly FAIR our lives are, maybe we all would be a bit happier. Missing you and grateful that the world was fair to me for 11 wonderful years.

Around the world and back again~

Ordinary Life

Dearest Trick~

It seems that everyone is so busy trying to live some extraordinary life. They are so consumed by the concept of MORE that the ordinary gets pushed to the side. Life becomes so chaotic and overwhelming that they forget to enjoy or even SEE the little things that make up daily life. I wish I could STOP everyone. I wish I could SCREAM at the top of my lungs and make them aware of all they have in the ORDINARY life they live!

What I would give to just live an ordinary life?! How lucky I would be to be able to make YOU a cup of coffee in the morning. How lovely the ordinary act of us walking Norm the wonder dog as a FAMILY would be. How incredible the concept of being able to watch a TV show and get to laugh along side you instead of by myself. How fabulous a thought it would be to be able to buy food for TWO at the grocery store. How awesome the ordinary notion of talking about your day to partner is to me. How splendid it would be to be able to wash your clothes and fold them, knowing you would wear them once again. How marvelous it would feel to be able to kiss your face as I walk out the door to face the day. How grand it would feel to do the ordinary act of sleeping in the same bed of someone you love, knowing that if a bad dream shall rear it’s head you have someone to wake up. How magnificent it would be to be able to send you a text and get one in return. How fantastic it would feel to have an ordinary hug on a daily basis.

We are so busy trying to create the extraordinary that this world of ordinary that I long for is taken for granted by everyone around me. If we that are here on earth could just appreciate the ordinary little nuances of daily life, I have a funny feeling those of you up in heaven would be proud. How grand this world would be if we all stopped for a moment and lived the ordinary and saw how unbelievably EXTRODINARY the ordinary can truly be! Until the day I get to communicate with you in an “ordinary” way, these letters will have to do. Loving you and all the amazing ordinary moments you have given me as memories.

Around the world and back again~

Suddenly

Dearest Trick~

Sudden death makes your life suddenly SUCK! Suddenly the dreams you once had disappear. Suddenly the picture you had painted of your life is shredded. Suddenly your vision of who you are is warped. Suddenly everyone around you says the wrong things and acts the wrong way. Suddenly it feels like the world is attacking you. Suddenly hopes vanish into the abyss. Suddenly you are left lost in a land filled with maps. Suddenly your heart hurts in an indescribable way. Suddenly joy evaporates into the air for others to breathe.

And then as suddenly as it all happen, as suddenly as you were taken from me time passes. The “sudden” becomes the “permanent” and …

Suddenly I learned to laugh again. Suddenly I found out who I can be. Suddenly I embraced the tears. Suddenly I accepted the pain. Suddenly I felt YOU with me. Suddenly I found MY voice. Suddenly I knew you would never really leave me. Suddenly I became powerful. Suddenly I found a way to be my authentic self!

I know you were suddenly ripped out of my arms, but you were NEVER ripped from my heart!

Around the world and back again~

STAND

Dearest Trick~

Being able to STAND use to be so simple. Now the act at times seems unbearable. How does one stand when life is buckling their knees all hours of the day? But I will stand. I will stand when my thighs burn from carrying the load of the world solo. I will stand when the wind of widowhood wants to knock me down. I will stand when all I want to do is crawl under a rock and make all this pain go away. I will stand when the fear of the future rocks me to the core. I will stand when I see old couples waking by and dream of you.  I will stand when the tears burn my skin. I will stand when the ashes are at my feet. I will stand in the horror of the life I must now endure. I will stand!

I might not be able to always walk. I might not have the strength to take the next step without you, but I will STAND. I will dig deep down in my soul, in that special place where YOU live, where your memories swim and I will summon the power to stand. I will not crawl on the ground of sadness. I will not sleep in the floor of loss. I will not slither on the earth of fear. I will rise from the ashes of this shock and stand.  And as I stand you will stand with me. Memories of your laughter will strengthen the bones of my path. Memories of your dreams will reinforce the muscles of my destiny. Memories of your kindness will fortify the joints of my present. I WILL STAND!

I am told there will be a time when I will be able to walk away from this hell. There will be a time when I will run in the light of the sun and enjoy it. But, for now what I am capable of, what I can do is stand! I will rise up from the worst pain in my life and stand in honor of the man I was lucky enough to stand next to for almost 11 years. I know you now stand on the puffy clouds. I only hope I am making you proud of how I stand here on solid ground.

Around the world and back again~