Slumber, rest, sleep, snooze, recharging, siesta, doze, forty winks, nap… these words are just words ~ they lack to be apart of my daily life. Mr. Sandman please bring me a dream!!!!! The bed seems hopelessly large. I find myself rolling in to the center and surrounding myself with pillows. I do this in hopes that maybe I will not feel the empty space, the place where you belong. I lay there staring at the ceiling hoping that sleep will for a moment alleviate this pain. That slumber would soften the hurt that physically lives in the muscles of my life.
For almost 6 months I have fought to get rest. I have begged to for a moment not be “in” this hurt, this awake state of truth. And last night as the minutes turned into hours, in the darkness of the early morning, in the exhaustion of life ~ I felt hope. I have come to realize that I do not need to fight the fatigue of the world I live in. That at night I can “dream”, be it a daydream or “night dream” if we should be technical. And in that moment I came to understand that this is the hours WE can share! This time that I beat myself up, when I replay the horror of the last moments of your time on earth, the time that I normally let my vulnerability and fears of being alone forever encompass me, it is in those moments, those hours that I can be with you! I can talk aloud and I am sure you will hear me. I can remember the magical moments that have become a part of my past. I can replay the wonderful advice you have instilled in me over our amazing years together. I can cry to YOU and tell you how I feel. I can revisit you in the silence of the early hours and dance in your arms once again. Instead of fighting my mind, I can let it float to a time when you and I were one.
My world shifted last night. I now can embrace the insomnia of widowhood. I shall slip on a comfy nighty, roll into the center of the bed, fluff the pillows, turn out the lights, and share my day ~ my thoughts~ my pain ~ my growth~ my LOVE with you. Looking forward to seeing you tonight!
Around the world and back again~