The Horror of Forever Without

Dearest Trick~

In the wake of tragedy parents run home and embrace their kids. Couples curl up on the sofa watching the news unfold and hold hands a little tighter. Mom’s read an extra story at bedtime and dad’s toss an extra round of ball. In the hurt they reach out and fall into the arms of those they love, those that they lovingly call family. Dreams continue to bloom but with an awareness that they are fragile. Presents lay under trees or by menorahs. Meals are served, kisses are given, hugs are received, futures are realistic, lives although silenced right now ~ have potential, endless potential. Today in the wave of hell from the shootings in a small town the country holds on to one another.

BUT, that thing that I never wanted to share, those feelings that live in the quiet moments, the horror of forever without ~ is now thrust upon some 26 families.  And when in a few days the world starts spinning again, when the presents under the tree are unwrapped, when the clock strikes midnight and it is no longer 2012, those families … they will …. See presents that will never be played with or unwrapped… They will find empty beds that will never be warm again… They will find dreams collecting dust in their hearts and eating at their souls…They will long for something that cannot be filled…They will miss – everything! I thought if I felt these things… no one else would have to – I know so silly – right? And now like so many Americans I have the news on, but I sit in horror alone. I reach out , but there is no one to embrace. I see no gifts under the tree and no birthday gift awaiting your 42^nd birthday in a few short days.  And I can’t help but feel grateful for all I had and wishing that those families NEVER had to feel what they are and what they …. ALWAYS will. The Horror of forever without.

Around the world and back again~

Ali

Boot Camp

Dearest Trick~

This fall I started boot camp. I have pushed my body to do things I never thought it could do. With sweat pouring down my face I have done lunges, presses, balancing, and lifted weight I never imagined I could. And every time I wanted to give up, to give in, to engulf myself in the pain~ there was my trainer cheering me on, fixing my form, encouraging me to dig deep and find the strength that lived with in. Twice a week I put myself through this torcher and elation relationship of boot camp. My fat giggles, my arms wiggle, my legs throb and somehow when I think I can go no further, I sign back up, I show back up, I finish a set.

It occurred to me that my life is like boot camp. Each day I am dragging myself out of bed (even if I think I can’t take the pain of facing the day alone), climbing into the car of life, and driving down the road. And with each trip, each step forward, each fall backward ~I have YOU as my trainer…cheering me on, giving me strength, gently reminding me that this too will make me stronger, more flexible, better of a person. The boot camp of life is not easy. I dread to say it most likely was not easy when you were here next to me, but funny how it is simpler to “skip” a class when you have your partner to help you not focus on all the hard stuff life throws your way. And as my heart burns and my lungs ache from the breath that left my soul when you left the earth~ I feel you fixing my form (of life) as I learn to walk alone.

Maybe the Tuesday and Thursday routines of pushing myself to the limits is a physical reminder that I CAN push myself into this new life ~ even if it hurts, even if I think I am not open enough or flexible, I CAN carry the load of widowhood, I CAN climb the hill of life solo, I CAN embrace the journey. I have trainer, I have YOU! I hear you cheering me on among the wind as it blows across my body. I feel you fixing my form (view) of the future as I wash tears from my face. Some day when I get to see you again I will be able to thank you for helping me make it through the boot camp of life.

Around the world and back again~

So This Is Life?!

Funny how John L had it right, life really does happen when you are making other plans. We had endless plans for our life together. I had a roadmap of when and where we would get to each destination we so greatly wanted to be pit stops in our adventure we call life. I knew the side attractions that there was room for on our journey. I had TIME to enjoy the road trip. But now LIFE, well it has just started. As much as last year I tried to make it stop, I now find myself in a new life (even if I don’t want to be in it). Routine and daily expectations once again swim their way into my world. I have alarms that are set, dinner plans, new friends, a new place in a new city. I have work, and obligations. The phone rings again with friends telling me about their world, their needs, their lives and mine… mine is lost.

I feel like this “life” that is happening is not anything I wanted or dreamed about. But none -the -less here I am, and I must embrace that journey that I am headed on. Trick, it was almost easier when I lived in limbo. I did not have to face each morning’s alarm and not have you there to slam it off. I did not have to work all day and come home to a sink of dishes because I didn’t wash them and well, my guess is it is awfully hard to do chores from heaven. It didn’t matter if I was up all night crying about you as I could take a nap the next day. Life was not real, it had not started. I floated along waiting for the pain to stop, for life to start… or maybe I was waiting for the life I once had to magically come back.

That is the thing about life, it never really is how we planned it to be. Some of it is more magical, grander, better then we ever imagined. And parts are harder, slower, more painful then we think we can handle. I never planned to be lucky enough to have had love, to have been loved, to have known love, like the love you showed me. I never planned to embrace the small things. I never planned to laugh in the rain or dance in the kitchen. I never planned to sing a duet in the shower or camp in the mud. I never planned to have a best friend as a partner. I never planned to learn about myself through someone else. I never planned for trips to the library to be the most amazing of dates and take out Thai to be the most exquisite of meals. But plan or not, it all became a part of my life. I did not plan to be 36 and a widow. I did not plan to be childless. I did not plan to face my days and night alone.  But the plans I never had that were great, the plans I never had but got filled with YOU… they outweigh the plans that never came to be! I guess it is time to put the planner away. I guess it is time to open my arms and allow this new life in. And maybe, just maybe some more awesome “not planned” adventures will come my way. I am honored that so many of the best ‘unplanned’ moments of my life have been with you.

Around the world and back again~ 

Not A New Book

Dearest Trick~

I am not writing a new book just a new chapter! I get to be the author of my days and nights. I can pen my life as dark and horrific or as wonderful and adventurous. My world with you may have been a romance novel and now I think this chapter is more of an adventure and surrounded by the mystery of losing you.  As author and illustrator I can read the pages of the past and view all the beautiful paintings that have been collected in my story. I get to flip the paper and underline the “good parts” and add new pages and new lines as the story of my life continues.

For a bit I thought the book of us, the book of my life had to be shelved and that I had to start all over again. But no matter what hardships, rough patches, obstacles come we do not need to start over, we don’t need to stare at empty paper thinking we need to write a sequel or a totally new novel, all we have to do is turn the page and start a new chapter. The lines that already have been written belong in the book of life as they have made us who we are.

So I have picked up the pen of life. I have found the words have started flowing once again.  This chapter is unfolding to be a very good read. Maybe not every page is epic, it might not win the Pulitzer (that was more for the chapters that we shared) but it is written well, it is fun and I am ready to turn the page and see what comes next in this book we call life.  I know that your book was copyright 2011 but mine still lacks to have a date and as each paragraph gets written I get a little more comfortable with that. Thanks for being a great co-author for so many years.

Around the world and back again~

A New Path

Dearest Trick~

In life there lacks to always be directions. Sometimes there are moments that we are lost, deep in the woods of our souls. And being lost, being without control of the navigation of your own life can be beyond uncomfortable. Yet, when you embrace the confusion~ the unknown path that you are on, it becomes an adventure, it becomes (although hard) a journey to growth. I find myself on this new path. I find myself on a journey I never planned, never pictured, never wanted. I am left to walk solo, to travel uncharted land. And for a little over a year, I have been uncomfortable, unsettled, unhappy, unsure, and aching for one thing… YOU! I thought that adventures were not possible with out my main guide in life. You always had a way of navigating all the hardships and happiness that came our way.

But here I am in a new city, in a state WE never graced together, in a new job, making new friends, and trying to embrace the expedition that I am on. Maybe the unknown makes me a better person. Maybe although you lack to walk next to me, you join me in this adventure inside my heart. Maybe I still get to dance in the sunlight even if I am lost in the woods. This new path is amazing and painful and special and it is missing… you! I have found friends that have become new family, I have welcomed the quietness of living alone, I have hiked new hills and seen sunsets from a new point of view. This path is beautiful and I am lucky enough to walk it. I walk with my head high, I walk knowing that the rain and storms of life might come~ but I will stand, I walk embracing the winds of change.

The path of life may lead us to the highest of mountains or into the darkest of caves; it may show us beautiful nature or unbelievable storms. But the path must be walked for standing still will certainly end this trip we call life. And so I walk on and on and on… I miss you and I know that your spirit lights this path. I know that in the darkness you will send me light, I know that when the climb seems too steep, you will give me strength to keep crawling. The new path is mine to take… I can step lightly worried about how my feet will land~ instead I dance, skip, and run allowing every moment, every view, every part of this trip to be etched in to the map that is my life. Thanks Trick for always being my compass.

Around the world and back again~