Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Jobless, homeless, and husbandless

My dearest Trick,
If someone was to tell me that June 1st would come and I would find myself jobless, homeless and husbandless I would have called them a lier. Only you would leave the world and make sure that I had a clean slate to work with. I am lost as to what I am supposed to do. I have never lived alone. I always had a roommate and then I moved in with you - the best roommate in the world. So now at almost 35 I am to learn how to navigate life solo and how to live solo. It all seems too much. Where should I set up shop? How do I begin to find a place to call home when YOU were my home? I guess having all this LESS in my life will make me stronger. I know you always said that I was the strongest woman you knew but in reality I am not. I could be strong when I had you by my side. Right now I feel weak, knocked down, kicked, bruised, beaten up. I never knew just living could be so hard - when hardships never held us back from living a great life. I hope that you are still watching over me, guiding me in this adventure I now call widowhood. The world sucks without you.
Around the world and back again~

1 comment:

  1. Hi Ali. My name is Chris. I worked with Pat for six years. I was also a few years behind Pat at South High School, but we didn't ever cross paths there. You and I have only met twice. I met you for the first time a few years ago. We were at a comedy show, based on super heroes, that a few of the other Luxers had written and were performing. The second time we met was at Pat's funeral.

    But in the six years that I worked with Pat, I heard your name often. He spoke highly of you, of course, in a number of ways. But mostly, I found it endearing to listen to Pat talk about you, because there was a natural affection that came into his voice when your name came up. He could be telling a simple story about what seemed on the surface to be a rather mundane detail of the life that you two shared, but so much was revealed by that simple story because of the openness and the sincerity with which it was told. It may sound silly, but the one story that stands out in my mind is a story about how frustrated you got over the name of Fifth Third Bank. Pat's eye's would light up and his smile spread across his face as he imitated you saying "I can't believe they named a bank after an improper fraction!". If ten other husbands told that story, you'd be lucky to find eight that didn't sound at least a little bitter, or maybe just bored. But when Pat spoke of you, he had genuine love in his voice. I can't tell you how refreshing that was to me.

    I don't know where you go or what you do after you lose something like that. That is outside of my experience. But I do know that he saw a lot to love in you. And I hope that you find that in yourself too.

    I'm glad that you started this blog. Finding an outlet for your feelings seems like a crucial part of coping. And I am glad that I'll have the opportunity to stop in and read your thoughts.

    And of course, if there is ever anything at all that I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.

    Take care. Keeping writing. Keep breathing. Keep loving.