Dearest Trick~
Black is this unique color. It has the ability to camouflage
the rolls that form on my tummy, it looks great as a little dress, fab as a
t-shirt with jeans, amazing as yoga pants, and by far the best color for
eyeliner. Yup, black and me… we have a relationship. It has always been my
color. It is one that I feel comfortable hiding in, dressing up in, or lounging
in. But, I want to make it clear… I wear black because it is slimming NOT
because I am a widow.
A lot has changed in these 4 ½ years since you left this
earth. For goodness sakes the CUBS are winning right now!!! I have learned and
grown. I have taken risks like leaving teaching to open my own company, and
fallen on my face (like trying to balance the checkbook). My waistline has
gotten smaller and bigger and smaller again… My hair has gotten shorter and
longer and even purple. Ink has become permanent on my body tattooing my soul
and my love for you. I have learned to fix a toilet, service the car, pay the
bills (well most of the time) buy a home, do the lawn, build a kitchen, open my
own business, and most of all ask for help in these short years. I have lost
the vision of long term planning, having dreams, and ever becoming a MOM. But
none of it, the good or the bad, the hard or the joyous has caused me to wear
black… nope I do that because it is slimming.
Black to me is NOT a sign of mourning…. for I wear it… and I
celebrate YOU! Black is just a color. It is one that has been thrust upon
widows as a badge, a visual to how we are feeling on the inside. But my dear,
as you know there is no color to express the complexity of emotions and feelings
that live within me (and I am sure inside many widow/ers) Black is just
slimming! Many keep waiting for my wardrobe to change. “When will she add some
color back in” is often said behind my back.
Trick, I am not sure if anyone ever noticed that I ALWAYS wore black.
One should never judge a book by its cover. Often on days
where my white button down covers my chest tend to be the days when I ache for
you the most. Intricacy of life is stunning and frustrating, it is amazing and
scary. And for all of it I tend to want to show up wearing black… because I
wear it NOT as a widow but just as a color. If there was a color that
represented how I was feeling over the loss of you… it would be the rainbow
swished together with a brightness that would be blinding because that is what
love feels like. And, love my dear does not die because you did! So, as I write
this (in my black yoga pants and black tank) I am grateful for the fact that
black is just a color and that I ware it because it is slimming NOT because I
am a widow.
Loving and missing you with all the beautiful colors that
the eye can see!
Around the world and back again~
