Hands

Dearest Trick~

There is so much I miss about you. At this very moment it is your hands. I miss the way they held mine, interlocking fingers~ your thumb embracing the top of my wrist. It was as if your thumbprint helped to keep the pulse of what ever adventure was going on in my life flowing. I miss the freckles that painted the canvas of your skin between your two knuckles. The little specks stretched as you gripped your bike handles bars and framed the band on your left ring finger.

I miss the grip you had when your held my hand as we walked the dog, or down street, or around the city, or on the sofa, or my favorite~ in bed as we ever so slowly slipped into slumber. These hands were strong, capable of building and fixing many things. They were soft, gifted in touch and holding my heart. I miss the way the dirt lined the outside of your fingers not your nail beds when we went camping and did not come clean even after a dip in the river until we were home, and a bubble bath was drawn. I love the scar that graced your right hand reminding me of the wild side in life you lived. How I long to run my fingers over that raised mark once again.

I miss how the palm of your hand was the perfect size to hold my head as you hugged me. Each long finger stretched out to caress my cranium in a way that felt safe and protected. I miss the coldness that graced them all winter long, even when you would run them up my bare skin and freeze me and stop me in my tracks. I miss the wrinkles that recently graced your hands from building sets, carrying trays, and most all from holding me.

And now as the year mark is days away I close my eyes and long for your touch. I reach out but fear there is no hand reaching back. I squeeze my eyes really tight trying to remember what your embrace felt like… I fear I have forgotten how it felt, how it fit perfectly. But somehow I know that years from now when we meet again my hands will find their missing piece, they will find yours. Until then I long for your touch my love.

Around the world and back again~

The Month

Dearest Trick~ It seems odd how just the act of it being April can send me into a spin. A downward spiral into the abyss that is widowhood~ that is my life without you. Tears have become the water that washes my face daily. Pain seems the be the clothes I put on each morning but somehow lack to come off at night. And that lost feeling I felt a year ago, that emptiness that last April brought consumes me. I see you in each date this month that covers newspapers, TV, calendars... as if just having the month of April printed is a piece of you being lost again. April showers bring May flowers, but for me the showers bring a turning point. It marks THE 1st YEAR. How did that happen? How in this world did I make it 11 months without you by my side? How did I watch the sunrises turn into sunsets and not find a way to make it all stop? Something so simple, a month, a word APRIL ~ now holds a new meaning to me. And this is just the first of many Aprils when my heart will long for you. Aprils when my soul aches for your embrace. Aprils when my spirit craves your laughter. A month... a month that marks a year, a month that is the line in the sand of time I call my life. There are the rare moments this month when I let the sun shine on my skin and I close my eyes, and for a brief moment I can remember what April used to be. It was once a month when the air in Chicago changed and spring fever was in the air~ so exciting. It was once a month when I got a week off from teaching and we tried to make up some mini adventure to take together on beyond a shoe string budget. It was once a month when we dusted off the flip flops and splashed in the puddles. It was once a month that we planted flowers and veggies to watch blossom and grow. It was once the month that you got on one knee and asked me to marry you. It was once the month that we dreamed up a life together. And now this same month, this same April rips to the core, pulls apart who I am, who we were! A month, a word, a space on a calendar has become the marker that will follow me into the rest of my life. Until the April we get to see once another again, I will miss you. Around the world and back again~