Joy

 

Dearest Trick~

This is the time of year when I feel sad and left out. Where your absence is overwhelmingly painful. But this morning I took a step back, breathed in the misty morning air and felt the joy! My love, you have given me more joy then most get in a lifetime. You smashed so much love, laughter and happiness into 11 short years. You made everyday that I was LUCKY enough to spend in your presence wonderful. Life was an adventure from small trips and walks to unending spectacular views… all because somehow the world thought I was special enough to get to share the joy you had to give. Maybe it is about how we structure our mind, our views on life. I think I need to reach for that joy that you bestowed on me. And so in this lake of pain I swim towards the joy, the little sun that peaks through to shine on my soul. I guess that is you reminding me to embrace the beauty that is life.

The joy never came from big things. No, you had a way of making the smallest event a spectacular life-changing journey. I remember the joy I had when we finally had a Saturday date day together. Money was more then tight but that day you said we were richer then anyone in the land. We boarded the CTA train and road it from library to library around Chicago. It was magical. “Every book is yours for the taking, every adventure written on these pages are just for you” you said with a grand sweep of arm as if opening a world to me. I loved the joy you instilled in me that day as we checked out book after book at different libraries. It was better then a world cruise to me. My mind floats back to the day we were handed keys our condo~ our very first home we owned. Every penny was counted for, the paint we would roll ourselves was carefully budgeted and the painter’s tape had to be used cautiously as we had a set amount of rolls we could pay for. But you wanted to give me a fancy first night in our home dinner. I entered the greatest restaurant ever, you got the best table ~ one with a view… a simple blanket on the floor of our new home and Chinese food in take out boxes with chopsticks. The joy of eating, laughing, and painting that night is a memory that can sustain me for a lifetime. My mind adrift to our very first trip together, a camping trip to Yosemite. As we rode in your jeep, top down, music blaring you pulled over next to the largest tree I ever saw. We looked down at a valley that had been burnt, trees dead, black ground, tears rolling down my face. You with your joy showed me that this valley was really a nursery for baby trees and plants to grow. That the wisdom of the old trees leave their marks for the babies to have their chance to be part of this world, to shade a hiker, to make oxygen, to be a home to an animal. It was that trip; no it was that moment that I knew you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with! You have given me so many moments of pure joy! How dare I disgrace that by feeling self-pity because now I am left with pain and a life to face alone? I must reach for the memory and joy you worked so hard to make part of our daily lives.

And so yes I might cry. I might have moments that hurt and I feel sad. But, I will power through them in order to reach for the joy that sits within my heart. I will look for the little moments in life where you are reminding me of how lucky I am to have this life I live. I will be aware of the rain that makes the flowers grow, the sun that warms the grass that Norm likes to lay on, the wind that cools my skin in the evening as I go for a walk. Thank you for the joy that you bequeathed on my soul. For today I reach, I feel, I remember, I live the joy! Thank you for being the joy of my life.

Around the world and back again~

Recipes

Dearest Trick~

As the days slip into fall and the air changes (even here in TX) I moved the thought of my first set of holidays without you from the back burner to the aching front burner of my mind. I often wonder how I will make it through this next month and a half. Where does one get the strength? Where do I begin to inhale when life is suffocating me with Christmas music and family movies about THANKSGIVING? Today was the start of dealing with this painful time of year. Today is the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Today is our traditional shop for food until our feet hurt day. Today was the “better clean all the crap out of the fridge because I am filling it” day. Today was the two-sided shopping list day. Today was the “hey I can’t find the scrap of paper that recipe was on” day. Today was OUR day to begin to create a day of thanks for our friends and family that ventured into our home both in Los Angeles and then in Chicago.

But my fridge is just that MINE ~ so there lacks to be wall-to-wall food. There is not scrubbing going on because the house will be filled with voices and laughter. There is no guest list being updated and changed by the moment since we lived by the “everyone is welcome” philosophy. And your tin box of recipes sits untouched in the cabinet waiting for your hands to run along the endlessly stuffed square of yummy ideas. Your recipes sit waiting for you to once again unfold their tattered ends of crumpled paper. They wait for you to drop new drips of sauce, oil, and butter on them ~ giving new stains to the recipes of love you shared with those of us lucky enough to have had our mouths fed and our souls nourished by YOU! The glass pie pans sit collecting dust in the lower selves and will not be filled with apples, pumpkin, and pecans this year. I will not have the joy of cleaning flour off ever surface in our kitchen. Brown sugar lacks to be in the fridge and bread is not laying out to get hard for your stuffing. Folding chairs will not be pulled out and plastic ware is not being purchased. There is the absence of the smell of cinnamon that normally wafts through the house this point of the year. Your turkey plate remains wrapped and put away. The rolling pin of life that you used to not just create a yummy crust but a smile for so many faces stays in the draw untouched.

The over stuffed tin box of all your recipes stays on the 3^rd shelf, I can see it from a distance but not reach it with out getting on my tippy toes. I guess I like it that way. I guess it reminds me of you right now. You are so close yet so far away. It is like I can feel you hugging me and also aware of the fact that I will never feel that hug in real life again. Your handwriting, your mom’s, your dad’s… everyone who is gone from me ... it fills the papers in that box. Memories of flavors rush thought my head as I remember you writing new recipes on the back of old envelopes, torn scraps of paper, or napkins. Your recipe box is a plethora of memories crammed together with love. The flavors of our life are sprinkled in that box. And I can’t bring myself to open it, to take it out of the plastic bag you put it in. I can’t fathom the thought of eating on Thursday. And so as many of my friends and family sit together next week, as they come around the table to eat, be merry, and share their thanks~ I will sit in silence! I will sit with the hole in my heart because you lack to sit next to me. I will not ware an apron, feed mouths, or be a hostess, I will sit, I will wait, I will think… of YOU! Life just doesn’t “taste as good” without my favorite chef in it!

Around the world and back again~

What I Get

Dearest Trick ~

There are a few things I get since you were ripped from my arms and our world. What I get is not fair or wanted, but it is my reality.

~I get to feel a lump in my throat when I see an old couple holding hands knowing I will NEVER have that with you.

~ I get to feel a pain in the pit of my tummy when I see small children playing ball with their dad.

~ I get to cry myself to sleep nightly.

~ I get to NOT be able to check the “married” box when filling out paperwork but have to check the widow or more often there is not  a box for me as I refuse to check single!

~ I get to dislike mealtime since it lacks to have you.

~I get to walk into shops hearing holiday music knowing that this holiday and every one to follow will lack to have the one present I want – YOU!

~ I get to take out my own garbage, clean alone, pay the bills solo.

~ I get to stare at pictures of you and wonder what it would be like for you to be here with me.

~I get to be bitter when all the “holiday romance” movies come on TV. It is like every channel is like LIFETIME network this time of year.

~I get to go without birthday cards, anniversary kisses, or holiday homemade gifts.

~ I get to not have flowers brought to me for no reason at all - you were the best at that!

~I get to live in a world that stopped when everyone else has moved on.

~I get to take care of Norm the wonder dog during the stormy nights when all he wants is his daddy – me too!

~I get to put on a fake smile and be happy when all our friends reach new milestones in their lives that I will NEVER reach.

~I get to feel lost and abandoned on a daily basis.

~I get to be in touch with the emotion of jealousy.

~I get to be brought down to my knees multiple times a week because the pain of losing you is so intense.

~ I get to spend endless hours in therapy trying to figure out how to BE me.

~I get to daydream of you knowing that those dreams will never come true.

~I get to feel broken and beat down.

~ I get to be angry that you were taken from me so young.

~I get to wonder what went wrong with the doctors and the hospital.

~I get to learn how to forgive!

~I get to realize that I had more in my 11 years with you then most have in a lifetime.

~I get to face the world alone but have you as my guardian angel watching over me.

~I get to complete some of your wishes and dreams.

~I get to close my eyes and visit you in my mind.

~I get to remember what dancing in the kitchen felt like.

~I get to feel the gravity of TIME and be grateful for the time I had with you.

~I get to appreciate what true love is – as I had it!

~ I get to MISS YOU every second, minute, hour…. every moment!

Around the world and back again~

The Whisper

 Dearest Trick~

Among the endless hours I spend in therapy or on my yoga mat ~ I listen to hear your whisper. I know that you will not come to me like a ghost that floats down and sits on my bed at night. I know I will not see you as some aberration as I venture in the world. But I hear you whisper to me all the time. We all get “whispers” in life but we lack to listen. You know what I mean, the little signs in life heading us in the right direction. The small symbols reminding us our loved one is watching over us. The tiny feelings we get in our bellies when we know what is the right or wrong choice when facing a decision. The slight voice we hear in our HEARTS not our minds. The faint truth that lives deep in our souls, that is the whisper. I fear that we all tend to not listen. Trick, I am listening with all my being!

And in the silence of life, in the quiet hours of growth I hear you. I hear you rooting me on as I take new steps. I hear you cheering as I claw my way to a new life. I hear you applauding my choices as I discover myself. I hear you clapping as I learn how to breathe alone. I hear you praising me as I dance into who I AM!

If we all listened to the whispers in life, I bet the hardships would be a lot easier. I might not get to hear your voice, but your whisper… it is part of who I am! And that whisper embraces me in the rain, holds me in times of fear, and grips me when I am about to fall. The slightest whisper lives in the essence of who we truly are. It protects us and envelopes our hearts. I listen! I hear you! I hear you telling me to make a home for myself. I hear you telling me to take chances. I hear you telling me that in time it all will be okay. I hear you! I might crave your voice, your laugh, and your touch. What I get is your whisper ~ the soft knowledge that is part of you inside of me.  I listen not with my ears but with my heart. My heart is open and waiting for more whispers.

Around the world and back again~

Not Fair

Dearest Trick~

It is infinitely easy for me to say that life is not fair. Others effortlessly respond with how cruel and unfair the world has been towards me. It is not fair that I no long get to kiss your lips, hear your laugh, feel your embrace, and have your support. It is unfair that I no longer have you by my side, have a person to share my life with, have the chance to follow our dreams. How simple it is to see my life and the loss of yours as not fair!

But when I take a step back, when I see the big picture I realize how very wrong this line of thinking is. It WAS fair for me to get to have a best friend, partner, lover, dreamer, and comedian every day for almost 11 years. I am blessed to have had only one argument in all those years. I am lucky to have known true love ~ something many never experience in a lifetime. Yes in the quite hours I fall into the hole of thinking how unfair life has been to me. And then in the silence ~ the wind, like you whispering in my ear brings reality to me.

What is NOT fair is that there are hungry children in the world. What is not fair is that many elderly are not able to afford or given all the medication they need. What is not fair is that our men and women of the armed forces often live bellow poverty line. What is not fair is that teachers are underpaid and over worked. What is not fair is that there are illnesses that lack to have cures. What is not fair is that there are homeless in EVERY city in this country. What is not fair is that there are thousands of children in the “system” that lack to have an adult to call their own. What is not fair is that most families have more month then money. What is not fair is that animals must be killed each day because shelters are over crowded. What is not fair is that abuse happens behind closed door each day.

So maybe I should see how unbelievably FAIR my world has been for I had you. It might be hard to take steps each day with you gone, but what would have been unfair is not having had the chance to love you, and be loved by you at all. If we all saw how truly FAIR our lives are, maybe we all would be a bit happier. Missing you and grateful that the world was fair to me for 11 wonderful years.

Around the world and back again~

Ordinary Life

Dearest Trick~

It seems that everyone is so busy trying to live some extraordinary life. They are so consumed by the concept of MORE that the ordinary gets pushed to the side. Life becomes so chaotic and overwhelming that they forget to enjoy or even SEE the little things that make up daily life. I wish I could STOP everyone. I wish I could SCREAM at the top of my lungs and make them aware of all they have in the ORDINARY life they live!

What I would give to just live an ordinary life?! How lucky I would be to be able to make YOU a cup of coffee in the morning. How lovely the ordinary act of us walking Norm the wonder dog as a FAMILY would be. How incredible the concept of being able to watch a TV show and get to laugh along side you instead of by myself. How fabulous a thought it would be to be able to buy food for TWO at the grocery store. How awesome the ordinary notion of talking about your day to partner is to me. How splendid it would be to be able to wash your clothes and fold them, knowing you would wear them once again. How marvelous it would feel to be able to kiss your face as I walk out the door to face the day. How grand it would feel to do the ordinary act of sleeping in the same bed of someone you love, knowing that if a bad dream shall rear it’s head you have someone to wake up. How magnificent it would be to be able to send you a text and get one in return. How fantastic it would feel to have an ordinary hug on a daily basis.

We are so busy trying to create the extraordinary that this world of ordinary that I long for is taken for granted by everyone around me. If we that are here on earth could just appreciate the ordinary little nuances of daily life, I have a funny feeling those of you up in heaven would be proud. How grand this world would be if we all stopped for a moment and lived the ordinary and saw how unbelievably EXTRODINARY the ordinary can truly be! Until the day I get to communicate with you in an “ordinary” way, these letters will have to do. Loving you and all the amazing ordinary moments you have given me as memories.

Around the world and back again~

Suddenly

Dearest Trick~

Sudden death makes your life suddenly SUCK! Suddenly the dreams you once had disappear. Suddenly the picture you had painted of your life is shredded. Suddenly your vision of who you are is warped. Suddenly everyone around you says the wrong things and acts the wrong way. Suddenly it feels like the world is attacking you. Suddenly hopes vanish into the abyss. Suddenly you are left lost in a land filled with maps. Suddenly your heart hurts in an indescribable way. Suddenly joy evaporates into the air for others to breathe.

And then as suddenly as it all happen, as suddenly as you were taken from me time passes. The “sudden” becomes the “permanent” and …

Suddenly I learned to laugh again. Suddenly I found out who I can be. Suddenly I embraced the tears. Suddenly I accepted the pain. Suddenly I felt YOU with me. Suddenly I found MY voice. Suddenly I knew you would never really leave me. Suddenly I became powerful. Suddenly I found a way to be my authentic self!

I know you were suddenly ripped out of my arms, but you were NEVER ripped from my heart!

Around the world and back again~