The Month

Dearest Trick~ It seems odd how just the act of it being April can send me into a spin. A downward spiral into the abyss that is widowhood~ that is my life without you. Tears have become the water that washes my face daily. Pain seems the be the clothes I put on each morning but somehow lack to come off at night. And that lost feeling I felt a year ago, that emptiness that last April brought consumes me. I see you in each date this month that covers newspapers, TV, calendars... as if just having the month of April printed is a piece of you being lost again. April showers bring May flowers, but for me the showers bring a turning point. It marks THE 1st YEAR. How did that happen? How in this world did I make it 11 months without you by my side? How did I watch the sunrises turn into sunsets and not find a way to make it all stop? Something so simple, a month, a word APRIL ~ now holds a new meaning to me. And this is just the first of many Aprils when my heart will long for you. Aprils when my soul aches for your embrace. Aprils when my spirit craves your laughter. A month... a month that marks a year, a month that is the line in the sand of time I call my life. There are the rare moments this month when I let the sun shine on my skin and I close my eyes, and for a brief moment I can remember what April used to be. It was once a month when the air in Chicago changed and spring fever was in the air~ so exciting. It was once a month when I got a week off from teaching and we tried to make up some mini adventure to take together on beyond a shoe string budget. It was once a month when we dusted off the flip flops and splashed in the puddles. It was once a month that we planted flowers and veggies to watch blossom and grow. It was once the month that you got on one knee and asked me to marry you. It was once the month that we dreamed up a life together. And now this same month, this same April rips to the core, pulls apart who I am, who we were! A month, a word, a space on a calendar has become the marker that will follow me into the rest of my life. Until the April we get to see once another again, I will miss you. Around the world and back again~