Dearest Trick~
A friend once told me that expectations are our way of imposing disappointment and our wants on another. Yet, as humans we all have expectations. I am slowly learning that mine cause pain that lacks to be needed. I have these expectations that everyone would know what to do, how to act, how to make ME feel better. But, how could that be if I do not know what I need or how to feel. We all have these unique roles in life, our relationships with others. My role has always been the “giver”. So now I have this expectation of myself as the “taker” and my dear ~ that does NOT work.
My life STOPPED but others, their worlds continued to spin. It has been so hard since I had this expectation that all my friends would rally around and “fix” me. How can one fix something that is broken beyond repair? My expectations have set me up for disappointment. Of course life goes on. Of course my friends go back to their jobs, their daily lives, their families. I am sure that from time to time I pop into their heads. I know that there must be moments that you float into their mind as well. Yet, they live. They lack to know what to say, what to do, how to act. How can I have ANY expectations of anyone when I do not have the faintest idea on what I need, what I want, or how I want it?
It is funny how my life has been since you left for heaven. I had this expectation that the love, support, strength that overflowed at your “celebration” would be what I would have all the time. How unrealistic is that?! But I went from a funeral where over 700 people attended to sitting solo in an apartment in a strange state in a unfamiliar new world. Truth be told my mailbox did not overflow with cards ~ babe I got 7… yes 7 condolence cards. No, meals have not been made for me and people expect ME to come to them not the other way around. I let this hurt me. I let the moments when I call everyone on speed dial and no one answers serve as a sign. A sign about how alone I really am. But that is forced expectations that should not LIVE in my world. I should embrace the rare moments that the phone does ring. I should enjoy the random package that shows up at my door from time to time. I should clasp the love that is expressed via social media, as this is how society supports one another these days. I should release the expectations!
And so I am! I have NO expectations of anyone because I am not yet sure what expectations I have of myself. I am honoring the kindness (however big or small it may be) from those that reach out. I am doing the one thing I know YOU expect from me~ I inhale and I exhale. And then I repeat! Expectations are such a silly thing that we enforce on our souls. How much softer my heart is now that I understand that. I had these expectations of you… and I must say you far surpassed them! I expected you to be happy ~ no one laughed as loudly and brightly as you. I expected you to follow your dreams~ no one embraced even the smallest of roles like you did. I expected you to be honest~ the only time you ever told a fib was when you were trying to set up a surprise party for me (so impressive)! I expected you to live life to the fullest~ you did until your very last breath! The only expectation I ever had for you is why I can no longer have expectations for anyone ever again~ I expected you to grow OLD with me!!!
And so I close with love and HOPES (not expectations) that you are in peace.
Around the world and back again~
I have had the same expectations. And you are not alone because I have spent days calling everyone on MY speed dial with the same results. My wish is that we were on each others speed dials, because one of us would always pick up. I no longer have expectations either. One cannot count on anything. Much love to you. I am always here for you. You can expect that.
ReplyDeleteEven if WE all new exactly what to say, how to act and what to do... it's still all comes to U from a point of reference and that reference point is Pat. So even If all around U were perfect, there will still be dissapointment when U compare anything against that man. Keep keeping on. I will do my best.
ReplyDeleteDearest Ali, I wish we were closer as I would smother you with friendship. There was once a time where we were very close. I remember you dragging my butt out of bed to go jogging, being there for each other. I still think of you all the time, think of how you are coping and healing. It really is a shame that we all get so wrapped up that we don't take time for friends. If I didn't have two little ones I would be on a plane to check out Texas with you. You are always in my thoughs! <3 Holly (Monroe) Glaski
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