Bucket List

Dearest Trick~

People are always talking about their bucket lists. These catalogs of things they want to do or accomplish prior to leaving the earth. I never gave it much thought. I know that if you had one, you were never given the time or knowledge to finish it. So I found myself in the quite of the morning, before the sun came up thinking of my bucket list. Here it goes:

~ Touch a life of another to an extent that their actions affect change

~ Become a mother

~ Go to Tibet and spread some of your ashes

~ Laugh so hard that I need to take a shower because the tears have stained my face

~Publish lots of my writing

~ Help another on their path in life

~Be able to sit still in the quietness and learn something from it

~ Find peace in a world without you

~ Dance again in the arms of another

~Walk the length of a marathon

~ Look in the mirror and LIKE what I see

~ See foreign lands and travel

~ Create a non -profit for acting for inner city youth in your namesake

~ Open my heart again

~ Forgive anyone and everyone that has ever hurt me

~ Plant a garden

~ Remember the past without it holding me hostage in the present

~Find a place to call HOME

~ Leave a mark on this earth but not footprints for others to walk in, as we all should create our own paths in life

There is my list! I guess the thing I can’t put on the list but I hope will happen when I accomplish all of this… is to SEE YOU AGAIN. So I am set to check off items on this list of life. Notice that on the list there was no mention of  “marrying the man of your dreams” ~ I already got to check that one off.

Around the world and back again~

Open Window

Dearest Trick~

In life we need to look for the open windows even when the room we reside in seems stuffy and closed. I have searched for the window that needs to be somewhere in this journey. The doors are shut but in my heart I know that when you left, you made sure there was a window open.

For the first few months I felt like I was in control, like there were endless doors that could be opened and lead me to happiness, to a new life. Travel, friendships, and memorials… they all filled my days and so I never had to dance in the pain, face the fact that this room I call my life was dark, lonely and airless. Then reality hit! The doors were locked and in that moment panic, pain, isolation and fear set in.  I am trapped, I am alone, I am in a place I do not want to be, I am sad, I am scared, I am angry. I paced around the chamber of widowhood hoping that it would all go away. That I could find comfort in another, as if talking to a friend or visiting a place and pushing this deep down inside of me would cure the lack of oxygen in my life. Working through that dark, hard, emptiness in a room I could not get out of was difficult but part of this journey. And when I could cry no more, when my voice was too weak to scream~ in that moment you came into my mind and clarity was given. “Look for the open window”!!!!

The walls of grief (no matter what that grief is caused by) seem solid and dark. But, the more I heal, the more I go to therapy, the more I do the practice of yoga, the more I open my mind and my heart, the more I see that there is a small light flowing into this space I am in. As I stopped PUSHING everyone and everything away I was able to feel a slight breeze on the back of my neck, on the back of the fear of living a life without you. And now stopped in my path of pacing and pain I take a step towards the air, towards the brightness that is willing to shine on my skin, towards a new world, a new self, a new life. I LOOK for the open window. I embrace the change that is tossed in my direction.

I know you left an open window. I know you want me to walk towards it, to climb out it and be happy. I know that you are watching over me begging me to just open it all the way~ that outside this apartment of sadness there is a whole world, a whole life, a whole new set of adventures just waiting for me to grab. Today for the first time I walked to the window. I found it and opened it a crack. I can taste the sweat cool air in my lungs, I can feel the breeze as it kisses my skin and I feel you! This was first step; opening the window you left for me. I am not sure of what that land out the window is. I am unaware of the path I am yet to be on. But I know you want me to LIVE, to LOVE and to BE happy… and so I open window. There is no door as you held the KEY to the door of my heart, but the window…. It is open and I am ready and scare but willing to look out and maybe ~ just maybe ~ one day climb out!

Around the world and back again~

One Lucky Lady

Dearest Trick~

I know that many would see my life as hardship and unfair turmoil. But, I can’t help but think that I am ONE LUCKY LADY! How lucky I am to have had almost 11 years with a man who saw ME, my spirit not just the body standing in front of him. I am lucky to have danced in rain with a partner and not solo through the greater part of my 20’s. I had a companion to journey through life’s rough waters and calm seas ~ yup pretty lucky. Only a lucky lady would be held when needed and released when it was necessary for growth. I had EVERYTHING because I had you. So now when the world is a little darker, a little scarier, a little harsher ~ I feel the luck I have by being able to simply close my eyes and think of you.

It is our perception of our lives and awareness of our selves that guide how our days play out. I understand that there are many that never get the kind of love you gave me. I am mindful that many spend their lives not appreciating what is before them, but waiting for more. Oh my love, I appreciate, I embrace, I revel, I am LUCKY.

I am lucky because even now I can taste the air as it fills my lungs ~ even if it is not as sweet as it was when you were here. I am lucky because I can remember how to laugh with all my being from your humor and be back in touch with that. I am lucky because although there are few, you have sent just the right people into my life to support me through this. I am lucky because I get to wake up each day and have a new adventure. It is hard because it lacks to have you, but I am lucky enough to venture on for us both. I am lucky!

All the years I was able to enjoy you as you graced the earth I was keenly aware of my luck. So why now would I feel any different. You used to say, “we have the best of bad luck” ~ maybe that is not totally true. Maybe, just maybe I am plain old lucky for the universe let me smile, dance, laugh, love, cry, hope, dream, embrace, and BE your wife!!!!! And one day I will be lucky enough to see you again. I will be lucky enough to feel your arms around me and feel the warmth of your kiss. Until then, I am and will always be YOUR lucky lady!

Around the world and back again~

The Path

Dearest Trick ~

In life we do not always have choices when it comes to the paths we are thrust upon.  I did not decide to be on the trail of widowhood, as I would guess no one ever would. But, my love, we always have options on how we walk down the paths of life.

We can crawl and complain about the hardships of the unevenly paved road. We can skip and hop among the weeds growing in the cracks of our journey. We can run fast eager to get to the next bend, unaware of the beauty that surrounds us in the expedition. We can walk softly taking in each breath, each moment. We can step hard and leave marks, “footsteps” for those that might come behind us. We can dance unaware of the pebbles and holes in the trail. We can sit and refuse to move not acknowledging the fact that the path will not change.  We can be in a daze and stumble until we reach the next fork in the road. There are many ways we can travel down the path of life. How we travel, how we perceive this journey on earth, how we take it all in or ignore it all ~ that is the choice, that is what makes us unique and special.

So here I am on a road I never pictured. The ground is uneven as life can be unfair at times. There are many potholes (hardships) that I can see behind me and in the journey ahead. The question lies in IF I focus on the holes or if I see that this pain, this hardship, this journey, creates growth and memories that will one day comfort me. I walk carefully as to not trip on the potholes of life, but still willing to step on the cracks in this adventure. I am willing to take the pain that this quest has thrust in my direction. Yet I refuse to stop and sit for too long. When I sit, I find it a time to be covered in the shade of friendship, in the rest of the burden of the trail I am on. I walk! I walk with my head held high. I walk with my eyes fixed on the horizon but aware of the path behind me. The road of life can be hard. The surroundings are not always beautiful butterflies and flowers. At times the trees lack to have fruit to eat. But, to focus just on that, to sit and look only at what lacks to be on this road ~ it is not me, it is not what I want out of the adventure we call life.

As humans we all too often think only about how rough our days are. We only focus on our problems and tend to blow them out of proportion. I need to step away from that type of thought. I think if everyone stopped for a moment and realized that the rain on their journey will help the flowers grow at some point, that the unpaved path is an adventure not a hardship~ maybe we all would be a little happier, a little more peaceful, and little more complete. I WALK! I walk in the sun as you shine down on me. I walk in the storms that life has tossed my way. I walk in the cool morning breeze that kisses my face as you once did. I walk in the fear of not knowing where this road leads. I walk! I walk and look at the birds nesting reminding me that life does go on. I walk past the fossils etched into the rocks letting me know that many have come before me and many will come after me. I walk knowing that never do I need to totally walk alone. All I ever need to do is close my eyes and you walk with me! And so I walk on, each step hard but earned, each mile creating a new version of ME. Memories of you soften the journey.

Around the world and back again~

1/2 year

Dearest Trick~

A half of a year~ 6 months, so much can happen in that time. In the length of time since you have been gone babies have gone from bellies into the world. Children have gone from crawling to walking. Teens have gone from asking parents for a ride to driving them. Friends have gone from single to living with a partner. People have picked up new hobbies and mastered them. A semester of education has been completed for some who are in school. Friends have trained and ran a marathon.  New houses were found, bid on, bought and moved into. Friends went form engaged to married. People have moved states and moved their lives in positive directions.  New lives were created. The list goes on and on.

In the 6 months I HAVE ~ learned to breath through the pain, walk with no hand to hold, travel alone, pay the bills and TRY to balance a check book. I have moved to a new state, slept in a bed that lacks to bring rest, and climbed many mountains. I have thrown myself into therapy, bent my body like a pretzel in yoga, cared for our dog, unpacked your things. I have seen a new person in the mirror, cried an endless amount of tears, laughed over memories and explored new places. I have taken RISKS, shared my heart, exposed my soul, and undressed my feeling for all to see. In ½ year I have GROWN against my will, but did it.

They say that time heals everything. I beg to differ. Today I find to be harder then last month or the month before. This milestone seems unreal and it pulls you further from me. How did I survive this long? How is it that each day I find the strength to go on? Then I close my eyes and realize that it is so simple ~ YOU. I have made the growth I have because I have YOU and your spirit holding on to me, supporting me when I want to fall. I have YOU and memories of your laughter to make me smile through the pain. I have YOU leading me to the help and support I need to get through this ~ through the loss of the best person I know.

So be it 6 months, 6 years, 6 decades ~ I will ALWAYS love you!

Around the world and back again~