There Is No Crying In Baseball!

Dearest Trick~

I remember when we first moved in together and the preverbal ‘other shoe’ dropped. You LOVED baseball~ aarrggghhhhhh! Growing up in New York I might have been the only person in the whole state that found the game of hitting a ball with a bat boring. And there you were in Los Angles CA dressed to the nines in Chicago CUBS gear. So simply you exposed me to your love, your team ~ the very special CUBS. Instantly I was fan, even if I did not understand the game, I understood the excitement and the love of rooting for an underdog.

“There is no crying in baseball!” But year after year us sports fans tend to cry more then we cheer. Our hearts are broken again and again as we lack to make the playoffs, win the World Series (the Stanley Cup, Super Bowl, US Open… you get the idea) be the ones that end up on top. But my love, that might be the root of the problem we fans have in rooting. You see as humans we spend too much time waiting for the end result, fighting for the glory, climbing and clawing our way to win. And in that, we miss the most unique and amazing moments. We forget to focus on the little gains. The batboy who dreamed of walking on Wrigley green holding wood in his hand~ that is beautiful. Or the rookie getting to bat for the very first time, look that comes on his face, the joy that fills his heart even when he strikes out. Just as a walk in the rain with you was better to me then a ‘grand slam’ dinner out! Even the losses, even when our teams (*or life for that matter) is on a losing streak ~ we have awesome moments to grow and laugh and love.

This game of life is so much like baseball. It can have extra innings or end quite quickly, it can be rained out at times or be a three-beer afternoon with friends. So maybe if we all looked sports for the little moments of greatness and not the big wins, maybe if we all looked at life like that ~ maybe just maybe this game we all play would be more memorable, more fulfilling, more fun and most of all more LOVING. You and I as a couple might not have been able to go into extra innings. Our game got rained out way too early. But even in the loss of being able to get up to bat with you again, I feel like I won the world series because for how ever short the time~ I got to play this game with YOU. I will take ever strike that life sends my way. I will laugh as I run the bases and grow and learn. And I find comfort in knowing that there need not be any tears in this ‘life of baseball’ because when I finally slide into home plate YOU will be waiting for me!

Around the world and back again~

The Witching Hour

Dearest Trick~

The world outside my window is silent. The cars have stopped their engines, the children have silenced their games, the dogs no longer bark and the wind is the only sound left. It is in this time ~ in the witching hour that I hear you! I would guess that if everyone LISTENED when sleep is far from you, you will hear voices of your loved ones once again ringing in your ear. And now at this moment, I get the pleasure of hearing you. I hear you cheering me on as I face yet another loss, another person to grieve, a life with no parents. I hear you telling me “It’s okay” when I need the tears to stain my skin for a bit. I hear you quietly drumming me along as I move each day step by step into this new woman.  

It is amazing how even when I lack to have you right next to me, when the sound of your voice has been taken from this earth~ how I am still able to hear you. When you love someone , truly love them, with ever fiber of your heart…distance and time does not squash their voice. As your voice, your soft melody lives inside of who I am. I believe that all of us who have had to face the truth of loss can sit in the silence no matter how many days, months, years pass~ we can still hear you! We can still get the advice and support we so desperately claim we miss by sitting in the quietness and listening to our inner self speaking your knowledge.

Last week when I was dad’s packing his things the noise of the world, the blasting sounds of his sudden passing drowned out YOU. I cried each night wishing I still had you by my side. Feeling like I was not strong enough to make it through without you. I lacked to stop and listen in the silence. I lacked to hear your voice that lives in me because life was spinning too fast and out of control. Now I am able to quiet the mind, the space I live in, my world and there you are as loud as can be once again supporting me. I hear you telling me to stand tall. I hear you coaching me to face what no longer is part of my life and to be not scared but excited about the adventures that wait ahead of me.

So my love, I know I talk too much. I know that for most of our marriage you heard me tell the same stories over and over and over again. But now I am listening. Now I hear you reminding me of who I am, of my strength, of the life WE worked on making, on the dreams YOU still have for me. I will listen, I will listen, I will listen in the silence of the witching hour.

Around the world and back again~

Rain and Rainbows

Dearest Trick~

The storms that have been raging outside my window this past week have taught me a wonderful lesson. I fear that in life we all let the storms ,“the rain” get the better of us. It gives us an excuse to stay in, hide out, feel sorry for ourselves. But when there is a moment, rare as it might be, when there is a moment when the sun peaks out in the storm~ there is this miracle that happens, it is called a rainbow. All the colors you could imagine melt together and arch above us. The rain in life, the hardship, the pain, the suffering also leads to the beauty that when we take a second to look ~ surrounds us.

The hurricanes of my world without you has consumed me lately. It is as if you have traveled farther away and I long to reach you. I disappear under my blankets to shield me from this pain of loss that has become overwhelming recently. But I stepped outside today. I let the water pound on my face. I let the thunder be my voice, screaming out the pain I am not able to verbalize. I stomped in the puddles of this suffering and somehow I found myself splashing. You see my love, as children we run in the rain, we laugh in the thunder, you dance in the puddles. And all I had to do was stop for one moment. All I had to do was give myself permission to let the tears roll like waves out of my eyes. All I had to do was splash . All I had to do was to look up as I have been looking down for nine long months. And there it was, there you were, there was the rainbow.

I learned that no matter how dark our world may seem, there is a drop of light~ always. That in the storms of life we can find some of the most beautiful views ever. Well honey, it is time for me to go dance in the rain again, to splash in the pain, jump in the puddles of hardship and through it all take the moments to see the amazing beauty you have sent my way. I am not sure where you are? But for now, I would like to think of you as ‘somewhere over the rainbow’. 

It Is Never the Babies BUT The Old Couples…

Dearest Trick~

It never seems to be the young couples with babies that brings me to my knees. I dread to say that I have come to terms with the fact that we will never have had that~ the being a “family” moment at the park. We will never have 2am feedings and bags under our eyes like war paint that has been earned. We will never push a pram and sing to a little red head as we rock him/her to sleep. It hurts but that is not what shakes me to my core.

It is when I see the old couples walking hand in hand~ sitting on a bench~ caring for one another where I can no longer hold back the tears. Every time it gets me, every time it rocks the center of who I am. I longed for that. You and me sitting age 85 still laughing at one another or dancing in the kitchen. The thought of growing old without you seems impossible. It is like the thunder when it is sunny out~ something feels odd about it.  How I wish I could have had the chance to care for you as we aged. How I long to have seen wrinkles form around your smile. How I dream of having the opportunity to see your skin get lose and sag. These things we all try to fight ~ aging ~ how I long to have had but a moment to experience that with you!

We should all embrace the joy of growing older. We should see how lucky we are to get to view another soul as it gets out of shape, grays, and prunes. But now the thing I never feared, the one comfort I always had, the knowledge that as I ripened you would be there seeing my inner beauty~ I am now terrified of it. For each day as I get older you stay the same. My young 40-year-old lover. Somehow as the days turn into weeks I begin to catch up to your lead, and you like a great book, you remain timeless. I will never get to picture your red hair turning gray. I will never get to see your eyes wrinkle with years of views. But, I will forever be honored that for short time, for 11 years, I got to age with someone as beautiful as you. Maybe we don’t get to be the old couple on the bench of life, but I dream that those that get that luxury ~ that they appreciate it. That maybe they dance in the kitchen of life for US once in a while.  

Around the world and back again~

The Looking Glass

Dearest Trick~

The looking glass shows a reflection I no longer recognize. How I long to see the same girl in the mirror of life. The one that walked beside you, laughed in the face of hardship, danced when fear was surrounding her. I lack to know this woman that looks back at me. I am unsure of why the glass has warped, why the world has remained spinning when it all seems different. It is as if the mirror is cracked and I am viewing my new life through shards of broken glass. 

I wish like Alice I could climb out of this rabbit hole and it all be some hallucination. That you would be there in the bed next to me, holding my hand as I awake from this nightmare. But the looking glass reflects my truth ~ as hard as it is to stare into, it is my reality.  And unlike Alice the lessons I learn do not come from a mad hatter or Queen of Hearts but from YOU. Each day I stumble into the bathroom, wash my face and look at the reflection that has become my life and I hear YOU telling me to face it all. I feel you cheering me on as I see the outlines of a new woman. I sense you supporting me as I see the image of what life will be like. The looking glass is different, it has changed, life has changed the reflection has changed; the image of who I once was has changed.

So my love, like Alice I will drink this new life I have been given. I will look into the mirror and accept the view, but I carry you with me. I will see past the cracks and shards and find the beauty that I fear. I will look into the future but will always hold on to the past. The looking glass of life reflected joy for so long, now I have to be able to SEE it even when my heart lacks it. You have always been my mirror!

Around the world and back again~

Nature

Dearest Trick~

I feel you in the wind. Feel you kissing my check and suddenly my world is not so dark anymore. See you in the sun. See you shining down on me and suddenly I feel more complete. The crack in the sidewalk reminds me of my life, broken in some places but still something to walk on. I hear you in the rain. Hear you pounding on my soul, reminding me to dance and slowly move along. I find you in the grass, blades of growth and soft on my soul. Somehow you are there still growing when mowers of life have cut you down. You are my nature, you are all around me. I vision you in the clouds. The puffy softness in the sky is where I think you sit and look down on me.  I smell you in the morning air, crisp and cool in my nose. Like you it fills my lungs with the oxygen necessary to breathe. I walk along in life, looking at all the beauty that surrounds me, but somehow all the colors have blurred since you have gone. The vibrancy is not as bright. The crispness seems to have faded and I am left to try to embrace the nature all-alone. In the mountains I felt your power. Strong rocks covered with snow enclose me. But the peace they once brought is somehow shaken to leave new trails.

I want my nature back. I want the walks to be beside YOU. To feel the sun and snow and wind the way I once did. But that my love can’t be. Those days are gone for good, and yet you still allow me to see the beauty that is this earth. So I find you in the wind, in the sun, in the rain, in the flowers. I feel you in the dirt that I squish my feet in. I feel you in the waves of the ocean as it crashes and in the aroma of the flowers that I still stop to smell.  I guess my nature might be different but you are still there. I find you all around me when my world seems so bland, all I have to do is walk outside.

Around the world and back again~

The Big Sky

Dearest Trick~

As the year has changed so have I. I found myself reliving the loss of you as I had to let go of our last year together. It seemed somewhat impossible of a task, to get up, to move on, to celebrate what I have~ while I was focusing on what I lacked. Then I went for a walk. As I walked our dog the big blue sky filled my vision. The sun beat down on my skin and the cool January Texas air kissed my face. And in that moment, in the seconds that I allowed myself to be consumed by the beauty that surrounds all of us all the time, I found you, I found me, I found us.

I am coming to terms as hard as that might be that you are not here with me. But you are above me all the time. You are making sure that I see that big sky of opportunity. The clouds of change, the wind of hope, the sunrise of destiny and the sunset of prospects encompassed me when I allow it. This big sky, this thing that covers all of us~ it is always there. It might change from day to day. Some days it might be clear and blue, some foggy. There might be cloudy days, rainy ones and even star filled nights. But no matter how much the sky changes from day to day, from day to night, it is ALWAYS there. I guess that is you, you are my sky. You are always there, always right here with me. But maybe you do not get to hold me or dance, maybe I do not hear your voice, but like sky you cover me. You provide my air, my rain, my sun. You have changed in form but like the sky you can never really be gone~ all I ever have to do is look UP!

And so my beloved sky, my sunshine, my raindrop of love~ I look up! I look up to the new year, the new me that I am slowly becoming. I look up and feel you. I look up in hopes of easier tomorrows and peaceful todays. I look up!

 Around the world and back again~