All I Need To Know I Learned From A 7 Year Old

Dearest Trick~

I love that we have made such wonderful friends that they have become family to us. I LOVE that there are children all over country that see us as “Auntie and Uncle”. With that said all I really need to know I think I learned from our 7-year-old “niece” the other day. While visiting one of your best friends I found myself in the morning hours, still in pj’s, sitting with this wise young child coloring. It was such fun. I fear I forgot what fun was since you floated away from me. Colored crayons filled my hands and lines became blurred as we painted the pictures, the pages in ways that lacked to follow or conform to society. Hot pick hair and blue legs, green suns, and orange water. It didn’t matter because for a time anything was possible. What you dreamed, you colored. There are no rules or logic, it was playing, it was laughing, it fun, it was living!

The crayons of life are amazing. Often we forget to open the box handed to us at birth and color our worlds. There are days when the blues and greys are all that is found in my hands. And it is okay to draw a world that lacks brightness as the gloomy days make the bright ones even brighter. Then there are the days that all the pinks, yellows, greens, oranges and purples come out… where beauty is found all around me. I open the box, I color, I get to paint the world I live in. Maybe like many of us I have let the black and white lines of life take over, maybe I have lacked to play, to enjoy, to embrace the hues this world has to offer me. But I learned form this 7 year old that you MUST color. “If you don’t color all the time how will you become the best color~er?” Good point that niece of ours had. If you want the world to be more beautiful, more peaceful, more fun, we have the power to do that, just open the box of crayons of life and color in the line, out of the lines, there are no rules.

This intelligent 7 year old informed me that I should not be a grown up. They watch football and don’t play. She reminded me about how “my Uncle Pat was the best kid”. I told her you were like a big kid. She told me no, you were a little kid in a big persons body. You got the concept of holding on to laughter, on to joy. You always had your “box of crayons out” and never saw lines to stay in but the world as a blank canvas to create exquisiteness on.  All I really need to know, all I so needed to be taught right now, I learned from a 7 year old, a 7 year old that learned a ton from the little kid stuck in a big persons body. I have my crayons out, wish you were here to color with me.

Around the world and back again~

Fast As The Slowest Part

Dearest Trick~

A friend recently bestowed a great bit of wisdom on me. I was informed that I can only go or move “as fast as the slowest part of me”! In those words I found relief from the unending pressure I seem to be putting on myself. I know that if you were here you would be telling me to be soft with myself, to be easy with my journey, to be kind with my need for grief. But some how I have internalized everyone’s need for me to be super strong all the time. I have internalized the lack of people being there when I so need them. I have internalized the loneliness that consumes you at 3am when sleep is the furthest thing your body is willing to give you. Being a widow is so isolating and for it not to be, one must shove all the feelings and the pain and suffering so deep down in order to make it OK for the rest of the world to see you.

So I have sat and thought about this concept of only going as fast as the slowest part of you. It is so true. I can only heal as fast as I can. I have the moments when tears run down my face for no apparent reason, there is no trigger. On the other hand it seems like EVERYTHING is a trigger these days. I have emotions that were never really part of me prior to your passing. And, in all this ‘suckage’ I am left to cope in a way that seems tolerable to others when deal with the masses that know me. Thus, I have given myself permission!

Permission to:

~cry until I run out of tears

~not judge myself when I am in a dark place

~feel hurt when others lack to follow through or be there because it is uncomfortable for “them”, screw it ~ it hurts me

~be jealous of the old couples that get to hold hands or the young parents holding a baby

~need others to care for me

~celebrate YOU all the time

~accept that my world stopped and that it sucks that everyone else seems to have their world spinning

~feel the pain that just going outside brings

~ be negative every once in a while

~ be scared of being alone forever

~ move slowly

~ take time to talk about you as much as I want to

~ to ask for what I NEED and put my needs 1^st

~ cancel on plans and not feel bad about it

~ not be perfect

~ not call others but wait for them to call me

~ take as long as I need to in order to heal, timelines are OUT the window!

~ ignore others advice as often it just makes me mad

~tell stories of you over and over and over again

~ be okay with the fact that I think it is UNFAIR you were taken from me

I can only move as fast as this my slowest part! So no I am not always going to sound chipper on the phone, most of the time I will be the complete opposite. You get that Trick, but others don’t. I mean I am actually asked, “Well what is wrong”. REALLY?! I am going to heal the best I can, however long that takes. Those that have been there through the journey will be forever etched in my heart, those that haven’t … I need to be okay with not being this “person” everyone expects from me. Most of all I need to be okay with you knowing that although I want to honor you and make you proud, although I want to remember all the joy we had and be thankful, although I want to be the positive woman you married, that somehow you will forgive me if I let myself FEEL this pain and be sad for a bit.

Around the world and back again~

Slow Down

Dearest Trick~

In this crazed weird world we live in, everyone seems to be in a rush. They are hurrying to a job that they wish gave them more money. They are heating up some frozen meal that they wish was homemade. They are driving on autopilot unaware of how they got to their destination. They are repeating the same conversation over and over again wishing there was more to say. They are waiting for the next vacation, promotion, experience. And in this rushed world THEY are missing everything. You see the greatest things in life are found in the slow moments, in the simple smiles, in the random small acts of kindness. I fear it takes loss in order for most of us to slow down. Hell, when I lost you life did not slow down; it came to a screeching halt! That is what loss does. It gives us a forced reason to stop and remember. It gives us a second to reflect on memories that become moments that change us. It provides us time to stop the urgency of everyday monotony.

I would love to say that you and I always slowed ourselves down. That we always took the time to notice the wonder that is provided just past the tip of our nose. It is true that most of time we did. That as a duo, you and I noticed the kind man giving his leftover meal when leaving a restaurant to the homeless mother on the street. I guess because that was usually us. I would love to say that we took each moment to learn and change as it came, not waiting for it to be a memory that rocked our core due to loss. Often we did. But, just like the rest of is busy world, we flew from time to time on auto, on routine, on waiting for more and missing all that is! So now that my world is so slow I wish it would spin again, I get the luxury to view the greatness in the smallest of experiences. I get the opportunity to feel the sun truly warm the air and be amazed at this feat of greatness. I get the chance to see the man at the store smile as he passes the old woman in the walker dressed to the T because the adventure to the grocery is the highlight of her week. I get the indulgence to hear the children outside laugh with all the cells in their little bodies. I get the treat of letting someone go in front of me in line; I am not in a rush. I get to be completely aware of all my ventures and lack to ever be on cruise control.

There was a lot that you and I slowed down to enjoy in life. Many of the moments that flood my mind late at night are just walks down memory lane, not lessons that I did not get the first time. How blessed I am. How awesome it is that WE took the time to watch the leaves change when we went for our 5am walks together. How incredible it is that we tasted winter on our tongues each year as the cold raged in. How splendid it is that we often stopped paying bills, answering phones, replying to emails just to dance in the kitchen. How tremendous it is that at night when we both were reading in bed, we held hands and felt each other’s skin and pulse. How breathtaking it is that we had endless conversations without saying a word. I wish I had done that every minute. I wish I had slowed down even more.

In this whirlwind of a world there are times (too few but some) that a person will ask ME what they can do, what I need or how they can help ease some of this hell I find myself living in. I always say the same thing “ since you can’t bring him back, I guess there is nothing you can do.”  You know what, from this point on when I am asked what I need, how can I help, what can I do… I am going to ask that person to do one very simple yet extremely complex thing… I will ask them to SLOW DOWN! Thanks for slowing down with me for so many years.

Around the world and back again~

Dear Santa

Dearest Trick~

As a child growing up in a mixed marriage of religions I had the best of both worlds. I got to light the menorah and come Christmas morning I found a pile of presents a man named Santa had left me while I was asleep. I thought all children should grow up this way ~ being exposed to all sorts of customs and holidays. Like mother, like daughter I guess they say. So it was not a shock when I also fell for someone who came from a different background then me. You, my read headed Irish love, oh how you opened my eyes to new and wondrous traditions. But, as child I found myself right around this time of the year taking out paper and pencil. I wrote to this jolly man, asking him like a genie to grant wishes I had. I have never been the “normal” type of child (or adult for that matter) we know that. So my letters were always for something so unrealistic, so much bigger then a toy. Never did I ask for a bike or a doll. It was more like a plea for hearing in my left ear. Or one year I asked to wake up thin and popular. I am sure as you can guess that Santa man is not powerful enough to fund those types of wishes.  But each year I wrote. Each year unknown to my family, I placed the little slip of paper under my pillow and slept on it. Like the movies that flood the T.V. at this time of year, I thought that maybe ‘this is the year’ that my wish will be fulfilled.

This year as the holidays consume all of us, my heart brakes. With each Christmas song that plays I lose a little of the sunshine that it use to bring to my heart. But since I have LOST everything else in my life, what do I have to lose???? I guess this year I will write one last hopeless letter to the man in red and sleep with it under my pillow. Maybe just maybe he can make a miracle happen. Here goes nothing and everything…

Dear Santa~

I have been a VERY good girl this year. I have held myself together when others would have retreated into the darkness. I kissed my husband as his last breath left his body never screaming or yelling, as I wanted it calm for his release. I have forgiven all the doctors and staff that made mistakes that cost me EVERYTHING. I have worked hard not to be selfish and continued to know what is going on in my friend’s lives. I have celebrated their happiness in life even when I lack to have any in mine. So this year all I want for Christmas is one more dance with Patrick in the kitchen. One more moment to get lost in his arms. One more chance to hear his heart beat and feel mine match it. One more kiss of his soft lips. One more inhale of his mixture of body wash and deodorant. One more opportunity to hear his voice soft and low singing along to what ever song we are dancing to. One more slow dance in the kitchen! I am not asking for a you to bring him back for a lifetime, I know that cannot be. I am not asking for a child, as I will most likely always be childless. I am not asking you to bring me some wonderful love that will sweep me off my feet, as I dread that I might be alone forever. I am not asking for you to take away the pain I feel, as I know you can’t. But if I could just have one song worth of a dance ~ doesn’t even need to be a long one, just one song, one last embrace, oh I would be so grateful!

Sincerely,

Ali

Once again I ask for something that cannot fit under a tree. This wish cannot be wrapped. There is no red bow big enough for this magnitude of a present. But for now I will sleep with this small paper in hopes that maybe that jolly man in his tacky suit can find a way to bring you back to me for one last dance, one last moment, one last second of US.

Around the world and back again~

Baby Steps

Dearest Trick~

When a child is born they need to be held. They need to be rocked and soothed into the comfort of this new world they have been thrust into.  In time they roll over. Everyone “oohs and ahhs” over this growth, this new act of development in life. As time continues a tot starts to scoot, the first act of independent mobility.  And somehow like magic that scoot becomes a crawl. Knees get raw, bruises are found for the first time. But the crawl is the start of adventure, of journey. When confidence or maybe it is just time happens ~ that toddler begins to walk. Taking baby steps, holding on to items like walls and furniture for dear life. The steps combine to the act of walking, wobbly and unstable but walking nonetheless. And that starts the process of a child creating its own way in the big world.

Maybe I am a baby in the world of widowhood. I long to still be held and rocked but I am past that. There lacks to be anyone here to hold me or rock away the pain of loss.  I am scooting and crawling to this new life I am destined to live. I am bruised from all the time I spend on my knees crying. My elbows are scrapped from dragging myself in a new direction, in a new route in life. Like the small child I am scared. I fear falling. I fear moving forward without you. But I crawl. I drag my heart and myself onward in hopes that this path I am on will lead to a stronger ME. Trick, I want to stand, I want to hold onto the sofa of life and take my first steps. But it seems unbearable to take even one step into this scary world without you. I crawl onward. Rug burns of life etched on my soul as I try to rally my inner self to stand, to hold myself up even when my knees are buckling.

I guess it is that I fear that once I start walking, once I take the baby steps ~ that I will be leaving a piece of you behind, a piece of me. I do not have parents “oohing and ahhing” over the growth I have made. My act of being strong enough to roll over and face life each day is not cheered or documented. There is no baby book to be filled with milestones in widowhood. But somehow, I think you are up there cheering me on. You are proud of my ability to roll over and scoot my butt out of bed each day. I am pretty sure you look down delighted as I crawl from day to day. I would guess that you are pleased when you hear me find something to laugh about in life ~ taking those baby steps towards healing. I crawl because I know that one day I will not just walk again, but run. And in the end after I have made my way in this world I get to crawl, scoot, run, walk, dance back into your arms. I think I am going to grab onto the wall of life and try to take step. Will you catch me if I fall? I guess it is time for me to catch myself. Shoes are on, laces are tied… I will walk again one day. I will take the steps needed to heal. I will find my way in this big world. I am ready to take the baby steps, ready to learn how to stand on my own  ~ two feet. But know I still need you holding up my spirit as I walk towards this new land that lacks my favorite playmate.

Around the world and back again~

Shut Up And Listen Up!

Dearest Trick~

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to talk to an old friend. Haven’t really talked to him in 11 years, not since I first met you. And as I had in college and in my early 20’s I once again learned something from this friend. He reminded me that it is okay to be soft with myself, that expectations I place on who I am ~ need not be. But posed a question ~ not one to be answered but one to think about. “What do you think your purpose would be if it was not to be Pat’s voice and spread him? As it seems that this is what you have been doing.” I was blown away as I did not think this was my purpose or path, but with closer examination maybe that is what I have been doing these past 7 months. Maybe I have been working so hard to beg others to hold on to what they have, to appreciate what I saw them so easily taking for granted, to dance in the moments life has given them~ that maybe, just maybe I forgot what MY purpose, MY path might be.

The more I pondered this, the more I knew deep in the quiet depths of my soul that YOU would hate anyone spending their lives, their energy, their dreams in pursuit of who you were and what you gave. You never wanted to leave footprints for others to follow, no not you. You wanted everyone to be authentic, to follow their own path~ map out their own journeys~ learn from their own adventures. So now I take a step back and realize that our love story might inspire others. Your endless love of toys and playing might encourage others see the child within themselves. Our simple view of happiness might motivate others to enjoy the modest intricacies of life. But, my purpose is mine to find out. I do not know what it is yet. This dear friend reminded me that it is okay not to know. The more I let myself contemplate what it is I am to learn, I am to do, I am to be~ the more I KNOW that it is MY journey I should be on. As hard as it is to think of venturing on in a world without you, I know you are ready for me to do just that. I fear I am not sure if I am ready, but who is ever really prepared for the greatest opportunities of growth in life? I said to this dear friend that my role is to be a giver and that I get that. His voice softened (just as yours always did when you wanted to tell me something important and hard to hear) and he reminded me that it is all right to be a receiver.

So receive I am ready to do. I am ready to shut up, open up, listen up! I am ready to learn from others, these great teachers found in friendship. I am ready to be lost and be okay with having a lack of control or direction. I am ready to shut up the voice that wants to TELL everyone to be thankful for what they have. I am ready to open up my EYES to new experiences that might be hard but needed for me to be authentically me. I am ready to listen up with my one working EAR to advice, questions, and stories from others who luckly cross my path. I am going to work towards opening my heart to others and not building this brick wall of holding on to just the past. I am going to work towards listening to the voice inside myself and not the voice of what I think is expected of me. I am going to work towards shutting up and learning from the silence ~ as silence is a wonderful teacher.

In order to honor you, I guess you would want me to honor myself. I am not saying this expedition will be easy. I am sure it will require some agony. But I am ready to venture into the unknown, ready to listen, ready to be listened to when it is from a true place of self, and ready to find my purpose ~ my purpose without you. You already filled yours. Each of us lucky enough to walk for but a moment on your road of life has been touched, I need not share it, it has already been shared. Thank you for sending this old friend back into my life. Thank you for giving me the strength to be OK with who I am. Thank you for demanding in the hush of the wind, that I find my own purpose in the new life I am leading.

Around the world and back again~

Norm the Wonder Dog

Dearest Trick~

In June of 2009 we became parents not of a baby, but our fur baby (who was not a puppy but an older doggie) and the DeVeny Duo became a trio! Norm the wonder dog wagged into lives and hearts. The dream you had since childhood to have a dog became a reality and I got to view it all. I got to watch you teach our new family member how to sit, cross the street, follow directions… but I think what I really saw was Norm teaching you. He taught you that you were needed by more than just me. He taught you that even a dog can be a Cubs fan. He taught you that snow was much more fun to play in then rain. You two were instantly two peas in a pod. They say a dog is a man’s best friend and Norm was 100% yours. From the moment he put his paw up on the glass door “adopting us” it was hard to ever see Patrick without Norm right behind. What joy having a pet, having a fur child, having Norm has been to us as a couple.

Since you have gone to heaven Norm has suffered, I will not lie. Every night he does “his rounds” looking and waiting for you to walk through the door. He waits in breathless anticipation for his daddy to come home and rub his belly. I try to tell him that you can’t come home, sometimes I think he understands ~ sometimes I think he has hope that this is all a bad dream and daddy will sit and listen to a Cubs game on the back deck once again.

I thought how horrible it is that we were not lucky enough to have a baby together. After all the fertility treatments and trying that we were left wishing and dreaming that next month would be better. I found myself jealous of the other young widows that have children and get to see their husbands daily through their kid’s eyes. They get to hold on to a piece of a man that is now gone. I do not have that. And today I realized I do. When I cry at night it is Norm that comes quietly and lies on the floor next to my bed. When loneliness encapsulates all that I am, Norm simply comes over and lies at my feet putting one paw on my knee ~ as if he is reminding me that all is okay. He requires me to get out of bed and outside into the fresh air daily, even if I only want to hide, I can’t because I have him. It is as if you left me purpose by making sure when you left Norm was there for me. Sometimes when he looks at me with his big brown eyes, when he holds a stare as if he is looking into my soul, I feel like it is YOU looking at me once again. And so I sit, I pet Norm and I miss you. I hope that this holiday season people walk down our path and adopt a DOG (not a puppy) from a shelter. Sending wagging tails and love from here to you.

Around the world and back again~