5 Years

Dearest Trick~
In therapy the other day (yes I go all the time ~ how else could I navigate this world without you) I was asked where I see myself in 5 years. That question was like a slow motion car crash you see in the movies. You know the ones where the whole audience is screaming "watch out" "hit the brakes" "swerve left"...
I crashed into the brick wall I call life. I had no answer. I know you wish I had no answer for a ton of  things while you were here and now that you are gone ~ I am without words.

Where am I going to be. What could I possible dream of. The past few days it has danced and tumbled in my mind. Hard as I might, I can't seem to picture anything. Me, the queen of planning, the artist of dreaming has lost her skills to do so. How does one picture a life when life is not at all as one pictured? How can I even think about dreaming when all my dreams have always lead to you. And I do mean ALWAYS! Even as a little girl I had a thing for red heads. I would take sheets and drape them over me and pretend to be a bride. I never had a picture of the man ~ the knight in shinning armor (or in your case the knight in shinning duck tape) but I knew what he would be like. He would be tall and kind, he would make me laugh and laugh with me. He would be smart but silly, a grown up with the eyes of a child. He would see the good in me and I would adore all of him. Yup, I married that man I dreamed of as a small child. I got to wear a white dress and dance in his arms.

If someone asked me 5 months ago where I would be in 5 years, I could give a detailed list. It would include a child and a house, maybe a published book or two or three, and most all at the top of the list would be YOU. Now, nothing. So for a few days now I have sat in the pain. I have sat in my thoughts. I guess for the the first time in life it might be okay to not know where tomorrow leads me. I have to be at peace with that. I am not sure where I will be in 5 years. I am not sure what dreams I may have between now and then. But one thing is for sure, you will still be with me in my heart! Be it 5 years, 10 years, 50 years ~ you will always be the man of my dreams. I love you.
Around the world and back again!

Thank you

Dearest Trick~
Thank you for seeing the real me. Thank you for teaching me how to laugh at myself. Thank you for showing me that there is a difference between Star Trek and Star Wars. Thank you for making a home with me. Thank you for holding my hand in the darkness. Thank you for baking many, many, many birthday cakes. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how old we get~ we should always PLAY! Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for being one of those crazy "city bikers" that weave in between cars that use to drive me nuts. Thank you for grabbing me and dancing in the kitchen when ever life needed the pause button hit. Thank you for supporting every diet I was ever on. Thank you for loving me even when I wasn't on one. Thank you for dreaming of being more then just "us". Thank you for adopting Norm the wonder dog with me. Thank you for seeing me as smart when I lacked to. Thank you for laughing at me each and every Halloween because I am so irrational about monsters and the boggie man. Thank you for crying and letting your pain show. Thank you for the endless 'waiting stories' you told after a shift at the restaurant.  Thank you for always having a sparkle in your eyes when even the word Spiderman was mentioned. Thank you for always appreciating the little things I did for you. Thank you for marrying me!!!!!! Thank you for understanding my choice in jobs and supporting me even on the hard days. Thank you for helping me grade papers on late nights. Thank you for snowball fights and walks in the rain. Thank you for making a trip to the library an adventure. Thank you for finally teaching me how to sorta read a map. Thank you for always driving. Thank you for making my love for camping a passion. Thank you for always pushing me to grow. Thank you for hosting Thanksgiving each year and cooking the BEST pies ever! Thank you for being the best part of who I am. Thank you for 'meat and potatoes' as your attempt to get my VERY long stories shorter ~ it never worked you know. Thank you for listening to those stories again and again and again and always smiling. Thank you for flowers brought home for no reason at all. Thank you for never growing up, but staying that 12 year old kid reading comics.

Thank you for telling me what you wanted if ever we should have to grace the earth with out one another. Thank you for celebrating our love every day. Thank you for the love notes you left on the board in the kitchen as they are now etched on my soul. Thank you for your last words (not sound) being "I love you Ali". Thank you for somehow giving me the strength to get out of bed each day. Thank you for being the sun that now shines on my face. Thank you for the music I no longer hear from your trombone but the birds that you send in my direction. Thank you for giving me so many funny memories that when the pain becomes much to hard to handle I can think of those times and laugh. Thank you for making a mark on my heart. Thank you for loving me ~ all of me as I am. Thank you for showing me how to love myself. Thank you for holding on until others got to the hospital so I would not be alone. Thank you for watching over me. Thank you for still making me smile just by thinking about you. Thank you my love for all the amazing years we go together! Thank you for being YOU! Thank you for giving me the greatest person in the world to miss!!!!!!
Around the world and back again~

baby steps

Dearest Trick~
 It is funny how baby steps can add up to giant leaps! Each day I take more baby steps to healing. I find a way to put one foot in front of the other. And when it all is added together I have leaped into new levels of growth. I would being lying if I said any of this is easy. It is beyond hard! Yet each day I take a step, and each day I grow.

I never thought "walking" could be so difficult. It is an action I have done every day of MY life since I was little. But now I long for a time when I needed to be carried. That is not an option for me, thus I take baby steps. One step at a time, balancing the hardship of losing you with the reality of being on my own.

I take baby steps when our doggie doesn't want to leave the front door because he is waiting for you to come in. I take baby steps when I answer a call dealing with bills in regards to you. I take baby steps when I get on a plane to go to events (like the wedding I will journey to next week). I take baby steps when I go to therapy. I take baby steps when I truly look in the mirror and find the face of the woman you married looking back at me. I take baby steps when I forgive those who have not or can not be there for me right now. I take baby steps when I accept that for the first time in my life it is okay for me to be a little (and I mean only a little) self centered. I take baby steps when I climb into an empty bed knowing it shall never be filled with you. I take baby steps when I listen to other peoples issues and walk away from my pain for a moment. I take baby steps when I allow myself the chance to laugh. I take baby steps when I cry from the deepest core of my being. I take baby steps when I let others in. I take baby steps when I let my guard down and trust that not everyone will leave, will die, will hurt my soul.

And then time comes. You blink and the days and hours have added into weeks and months. And all the baby steps have added into leaps of growth. I have leaped into strength I never thought I had. I have leaped into a woman you would  be proud of. I have leaped into a person who is learning to stand up for herself, knowing I deserve the best and not settling for less then that. I have leaped into the "Ali" you always saw in me.

All the steps and the leaps ~ all of them are hard and heartbreaking. This "walking" sucks because you cannot walk with me. I loved walking with you at my side. I loved the footprints of life that we were able to make as a couple. Now I step alone, I leap solo and walk by myself. But all I have to do is close my eyes and you are there cheering me on as I WALK into this new life. I miss you and hope that you are able to walk in heaven in peace.
Around the world and back again~

Floaties

Dearest Trick~
Floaties~ you know that water wings that kids wear in the pool~ I wanted to thank you for the pair you metaphorically put on my arms the day you left this earth. You see my love, for months now I have been treading water. I am exhausted to an extent that there lacks to be words to express. Each part of my body, spirit and soul hurts and longs for true sleep. I am in the deep end, I am treading and trying not to go under. The ladder to the pool of life seems very far away. At times when life tosses a big cannonball of a person into the water, I fear I will drown. It is true at times I have swallowed water. I have gasped for breath because the pain of you not being here is so great. I have gotten "Charlie horse" and leg cramps from trying to just function each day without going under.

But drown, that will never happen! You being the awesome person you are~ you gave me floaties before you left. Not the cheap orange ones you get at the dollar store. Nope you went all out. You went to the pool supply and got my really cute white ones with tropical fish on them and purple insides. And yes they are tight and maybe a little too small. And due to that I have pain, I need that pain ~ the pain of you not being here with me. But, I know that I will always be able to float. No matter how big the waves, how hard the lesson, how rough the waters ~ your love for me, your belief in who I am and my strength, well it keeps me treading, it keeps me breathing, it keeps me swimming in the deep end.

I know one day I will make it to the ladder and climb out of this pool of pain. I know I will emerge a stronger woman ~ a stronger swimmer. I know that I will feel the warmth of the sun as it finally dries my skin. But today is not that day. Tomorrow might not be either. And that my love is okay. I will swim in this pain. I will gasp for memories of you. I will float on our love. I guess the biggest thing I have learned  in these past few months is that we all can float no matter how much our soul aches. We all can be overwhelmed by the waters of life but have the skills to rise. I long for the raft to come and help me to the side, help me to the ladder. But you see no one can fix this. No one can heal me or save me. So there is no raft. I must tread alone and when I am lucky a friend can swim by and keep me company as I learn new strokes.

Thank you for the floaties. Thank you for the knowledge that even in my darkest moments you have given  me the skills and strength to survive! I am honored that my water wings of life have come from you!
Around the world and back again~

The Pain

Dearest Trick~ I fear I never really knew what pain was. Sure I have had pain in my life,  but nothing comes close to this.  How does one put this type of pain in words??  It is like having a million paper cuts and every minute of everyday being covered in salt  and then having it rubbed in hard.  It is like being in the deep end of the pool and you can't swim.  It is like running from the bad guy in a horror movie and you can't scream and there  lacks to be an end to the movie.  It is like not being able to breathe for long periods of time, and when you  finally get a gasp of air the world punches you in the gut. It is like being lost with no water  or food and you are starving to death. It is like walking on two broken legs that never have  been able to heal. It is like having every hair in your head slowly pulled out one by one. And all of this would be easy compared to the pain that must be  endured living in a world without  you!!!! When I held you that last time in the hospital no one told me that I was about to walk  into the worst pain. No one said a  girl who has so many words (like I do) would never be able to express what this pain is like.  And so I dance in the pain as it is needed in order for me to grow. I let it in as I know I must feel it in order to still feel you.  I can only pray that you  are no longer in pain. And one day when we meet again this pain will seem so long ago and so simple.  Around the world and back again~

POWER

Dearest Trick~
 You know you married a powerful woman!!! You reminded me of that all the time. And yes I no longer have you here to remind me, but somehow in the darkest of hours ~ I hear your voice. I have the power to navigate through this grief in MY way. It is funny how everyone has an image of what my grief should look like, how I should act. I am dealing with this one step at a time one day at a time with POWER. I have the power to not let others and their issues affect who I am. I dread to say that I was for the past few months, but today is a new day and a new chance to be in touch with the powerful person that you married.

I have the power to navigate the world alone. I must admit that this fact has scared me. But I can float through the rough waves and swim in the still water of life solo when needed. Yes, it would be easier having others there with me. Swimming alone is not always fun. But there is power in the loneliness and truth in the fear. When I get the chance to enjoy a moment around others that is truly honest and kind I am thankful for the power within to be able to hold on to those moments until the next one comes around.

At a time when the whole world sees me as weak, when it is expected and accepted as a fact ~ I feel YOU cheering me on, reminding me of the power that lives inside my soul. I might have slipped back to old ways, to being the person who says YES to everyone and SORRY for things that lack to be in my control. I know I have spent a long time letting that part of me go. But I have the POWER to go back to who I am , to stand up for myself, to walk away from those that hurt me, to embrace those that are kind, and to go through this journey of grief MY WAY with out judgement. I continue to celebrate you and the love we shared.

I will always be your powerful wife!
Around the world and back again~

Alone

Dearest Trick~
I am alone all the time. It is the single thing I find the hardest about all of this. The unending pain of not having you here always seems to rear its ugly head when I think about how endlessly alone I really am. I am alone when I walk the dog. I am alone when I unpack our things. I am alone when I pay the bills. I am alone when I go to the store. I am alone when I watch TV. I am alone when go to bed. I am alone when I eat a meal. I am alone when I travel.... All of these are alone times that I can work through. They are a part of my life and as I am learning a part of many peoples lives.

What is hard is being alone for the following and know you will NEVER be here with me for them~
I am alone when I dream. I am alone when I hope. I am alone when I dance in the sunlight. I am alone when the rain pounds on my soul. I am alone when I start a new journey. I am alone when I have a nightmare. I am alone when I think of the future. I am alone when I laugh deep from within. I am alone when I cry. I am alone when I try something new that is scary. I am alone when I have an idea. I am alone when I think of YOU.

The word dislike will never encompass how hard it is to truly be alone. There can be a million people around me and without you here ~ well I am alone. Missing you more than you know.
Around the world and back again~