Dear Trick~
Dates.... numbers on a calendar haunt me. They are a reminder of good times and some dates are a memorial of bad times. This week is filled with dates that have played a major role in my life ~ in our life. Wednesday would have been our 9th wedding anniversary. It would have been another trip to the card store where we pull cards that we liked and hand them to one another to read and then as if no one saw us return them to their place. I always loved how you would do the math to see the money we saved by not buying them but just reading them. And do not worry, I went to the store today before therapy and found the perfect card for you. I found myself standing there for some time.. I guess for just the right amount of time for you to read the card I picked. I then (like I have for the past 8 years) placed it back into the spot I took it from and wiped the tear I found on my face. The hard part was that there was no card handed to me.
On the 27th I have the memorial of the day my mom left us and went to heaven. Every year it was so hard for me to have such a happy event so close to such a horrible event. But somehow I got through it because of you. You made it easy to have happiness dance among sadness. I try to hold on to that as I now find both dates hard to deal with since you lack to be here with me. 9 years ago I began a new family with you ~ as my family was torn apart with the death of mom. And you helped me celebrate her spirit and our love on dates so close together.
I will not lie, I miss you everyday. I yearn for a time past when dates were easier to deal with. But, this is the journey I am on now. And so I will try with all my being to celebrate the love I have for you, the love you had for me ~ on Wednesday. I will dance in memories I have of mom on the 27th. I guess dates are there to remind us of things. So I will try to embrace the date I became your wife and not fear the fact that this date no long holds the same truth. I miss you and I miss our simple dates of life.
Around the world and back again~
Monday, August 22, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
A glimpse
Dear Trick~
Maybe all we get is a glimpse. Maybe just maybe life is but a moment in time when we get to swim in an experance. Maybe we get a glimpse of what our mark could leave on another. Maybe we get but a glimpse of a moment to dance in the presence of greatness. A glimpse is never meant for permance. In essence it is to give but a look, just a moment, just a taste.
Maybe I was to only have a glimpse of you. A glimpse of what it feels like to have someone look into your eyes and see you. A taste for how to laugh in life when there is more month then money. A moment to feel true happiness and to march onward with someone holding your hand. A glimpse of dreams that will remain tucked deep within me. A moment to smile until your face hurts. A second to embrace fear and celebrate the wind, the sun, the rain. I got a glimpse. I got to see how humor can defy pain. I got to feel love and support. I got to play... to be around a man who still lived in childhood. I got a glimpse of greatness because I had you!
And so I do not cry when I think about the fact that all I got was a glimpse. I would rather have but a moment with you then to think of my world never being touched by your.... your ability to touch. I think a glimpse of anything is there to teach us. It is a gift to remind us to grow, to be thankful, to feel. I will forever be grateful for the glimpse of man I got to call my husband.
Around the world and back again~
Maybe all we get is a glimpse. Maybe just maybe life is but a moment in time when we get to swim in an experance. Maybe we get a glimpse of what our mark could leave on another. Maybe we get but a glimpse of a moment to dance in the presence of greatness. A glimpse is never meant for permance. In essence it is to give but a look, just a moment, just a taste.
Maybe I was to only have a glimpse of you. A glimpse of what it feels like to have someone look into your eyes and see you. A taste for how to laugh in life when there is more month then money. A moment to feel true happiness and to march onward with someone holding your hand. A glimpse of dreams that will remain tucked deep within me. A moment to smile until your face hurts. A second to embrace fear and celebrate the wind, the sun, the rain. I got a glimpse. I got to see how humor can defy pain. I got to feel love and support. I got to play... to be around a man who still lived in childhood. I got a glimpse of greatness because I had you!
And so I do not cry when I think about the fact that all I got was a glimpse. I would rather have but a moment with you then to think of my world never being touched by your.... your ability to touch. I think a glimpse of anything is there to teach us. It is a gift to remind us to grow, to be thankful, to feel. I will forever be grateful for the glimpse of man I got to call my husband.
Around the world and back again~
Saturday, August 13, 2011
My left hand
Dearest Trick~
On Thursday I found myself in Robbins Brothers (the chain of stores where you bought the ring that sits on my left hand). I brought it in to their store in TX but it felt the same as when we walked in 9 and 1/2 years ago in CA. The love songs played, men walked past glass counters looking like they would pass out from fear, women glowed as they admired the sparkle on their hand. It all was so familiar. There is truth that this chain of stores is magical. It is where things BEGIN. It is where I began to become YOURS. I handed over my VERY dirty ring that has not been cleaned or checking in way too long. I handed over the packet where the jewelers mark down when they checked it. And for the first time ~ when they brought me my shinny, sparkling ring~ you lacked to put it on my hand. I guess that was always my favorite part of getting it cleaned, you always got back down on one knee and asked again " will you spend the rest of your life with me?"
I wish I could tell you that I was beyond strong, that the act of watching others start their "forever" when mine is over was something I could handle with grace and charm. I fear that for a moment I wallowed. I allowed myself to dance in the pain, in the endless want for something I can't have ~ YOU! My sister looked at wedding bands as she will be starting her FOREVER this coming year. And then I sat there alone with my thoughts. I sat there knowing I can never have that back. And I missed you, one of those hard ~ rip your heart out missing you moments.
And when I thought I could take no more. When I internally found myself begging for my sister and her other half to hurry up so I could run out of that store and taste the air again~ you sent me a message, you reminded me. A young couple walked in. He had red hair like you, she was blond like me. They looked at one ring, one ring only. As if they were both drawn to it at the same time. Thousands of diamonds grace that store, but the two of them walked over and like magic saw the same ring at the same time. And I knew what that felt like. I had that moment 9 and 1/2 years before . I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a movie of us played by actors. And then she said it. She said the same words that came out of my face. "Oh, it is my dream ring!" I felt the warm tear softly float down my face. I found the the corners of my mouth turn up. I felt you standing next to me. And I thought if these two people could have what we had for but 9 magical years of marriage they would be blessed. I felt you sending me that message. And so instead of feeling like my forever was over, I came to realize that although you physically lack to be here on earth, you are forever the man you took my left hand.
Around the world and back again~
On Thursday I found myself in Robbins Brothers (the chain of stores where you bought the ring that sits on my left hand). I brought it in to their store in TX but it felt the same as when we walked in 9 and 1/2 years ago in CA. The love songs played, men walked past glass counters looking like they would pass out from fear, women glowed as they admired the sparkle on their hand. It all was so familiar. There is truth that this chain of stores is magical. It is where things BEGIN. It is where I began to become YOURS. I handed over my VERY dirty ring that has not been cleaned or checking in way too long. I handed over the packet where the jewelers mark down when they checked it. And for the first time ~ when they brought me my shinny, sparkling ring~ you lacked to put it on my hand. I guess that was always my favorite part of getting it cleaned, you always got back down on one knee and asked again " will you spend the rest of your life with me?"
I wish I could tell you that I was beyond strong, that the act of watching others start their "forever" when mine is over was something I could handle with grace and charm. I fear that for a moment I wallowed. I allowed myself to dance in the pain, in the endless want for something I can't have ~ YOU! My sister looked at wedding bands as she will be starting her FOREVER this coming year. And then I sat there alone with my thoughts. I sat there knowing I can never have that back. And I missed you, one of those hard ~ rip your heart out missing you moments.
And when I thought I could take no more. When I internally found myself begging for my sister and her other half to hurry up so I could run out of that store and taste the air again~ you sent me a message, you reminded me. A young couple walked in. He had red hair like you, she was blond like me. They looked at one ring, one ring only. As if they were both drawn to it at the same time. Thousands of diamonds grace that store, but the two of them walked over and like magic saw the same ring at the same time. And I knew what that felt like. I had that moment 9 and 1/2 years before . I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a movie of us played by actors. And then she said it. She said the same words that came out of my face. "Oh, it is my dream ring!" I felt the warm tear softly float down my face. I found the the corners of my mouth turn up. I felt you standing next to me. And I thought if these two people could have what we had for but 9 magical years of marriage they would be blessed. I felt you sending me that message. And so instead of feeling like my forever was over, I came to realize that although you physically lack to be here on earth, you are forever the man you took my left hand.
Around the world and back again~
Monday, August 1, 2011
I will!
Dearest Trick~
Many friends are enjoying the sounds of Sir Paul McCartney at Wrigley and as you could guess our wedding song 'I Will' has been played and made many think of us. I thought about the words tonight. I thought about the fact that it was this song that I sang to you as you slipped away from me, from us. So now I feel like I need to tell you the things I WILL do.
I will always love you. I will get out of bed each day and be part of the world. I will not hide my feelings but honor them. I will remember all the good times we had. I will care for our Norm (the wonder dog) with enough love for both of us. I will dance in the rain and let it hit my face. I will cry when my soul needs to. I will continue to look through the rose colored glasses at life. I will learn to love again ~ as I know you want me to. I will always let the corners of my mouth turn up when ever I think of you. I will be strong enough to learn how to move on. I will find happiness even though it might be hard. I will always be your Ali. I will take the time needed to grow. I will write and write and write. I will dream big and follow them as we once did. I will tell people how I feel about them ~ everyone should do that. I will be thankful for the rest of my days to the friends and family that have held my hand, told me the truth when it was hard to hear, or supported me during this hard time. I will still believe that love is greater then hate. I will deal with fear head on. I will learn to love myself. I will never forget you ~ but I will learn who I am. I will LIVE !
I will miss you.
Around the world and back again~
Many friends are enjoying the sounds of Sir Paul McCartney at Wrigley and as you could guess our wedding song 'I Will' has been played and made many think of us. I thought about the words tonight. I thought about the fact that it was this song that I sang to you as you slipped away from me, from us. So now I feel like I need to tell you the things I WILL do.
I will always love you. I will get out of bed each day and be part of the world. I will not hide my feelings but honor them. I will remember all the good times we had. I will care for our Norm (the wonder dog) with enough love for both of us. I will dance in the rain and let it hit my face. I will cry when my soul needs to. I will continue to look through the rose colored glasses at life. I will learn to love again ~ as I know you want me to. I will always let the corners of my mouth turn up when ever I think of you. I will be strong enough to learn how to move on. I will find happiness even though it might be hard. I will always be your Ali. I will take the time needed to grow. I will write and write and write. I will dream big and follow them as we once did. I will tell people how I feel about them ~ everyone should do that. I will be thankful for the rest of my days to the friends and family that have held my hand, told me the truth when it was hard to hear, or supported me during this hard time. I will still believe that love is greater then hate. I will deal with fear head on. I will learn to love myself. I will never forget you ~ but I will learn who I am. I will LIVE !
I will miss you.
Around the world and back again~
Friday, July 29, 2011
Releasing the counting
Dearest Trick~
I have been playing this horrible game with myself over the past 3 months. There it is right there ~ the statement of today being 3 months! I count the days, the weeks, the months and on rough moments the minutes. I torture myself, as if keeping track and pulling my heart apart will make me a better wife. I count and count and count. All it does is make me sad, make me weak, make me less of the woman you loved. And so today I have given myself the gift of releasing the counting.
I will let the calendar do nothing more than state the date. I will no long count the days of what I lack to have, but look forward to what one day may be. I know this is what you want from me and for me. I know you want me to be happy, healthy, to love, to be loved, to dance, to sing, to swim in the sunshine of the universe. I dread that I let the sadness, I let time ~ rule me. I release it! I am not a better wife, a better widow (if there is such a thing) because I keep vigil on the date I lost you. If what you wanted when you left was a woman who wore black, stayed home, and kept a shrine to you~ well , you most likely would not have married someone like me. So why do I find myself doing some of those things.
I now know that it is okay to take a step forward. I am not forgetting you. I am not letting my love for you fade. I am not removing you from my heart or my mind. I am releasing the pain I now have inflicted on myself. I am going to give myself the right to move ~ to move on ~ what ever that may mean. And I take you with me. And I hope you understand. I can no longer let time eat away at who I am. I guess I thought when I reached some perfect date the pain would go away. I guess I thought I was honoring you by mourning you every Friday. But, today in the clearness of the morning I came to realize that to honor you is to take care of me. To honor you is to allow myself to heal. To honor you is to slowly learn what living in a world without you is like. I can't say I like this. I can't say I do not cry, as the tears stain my face as I write this. But I release time. I release the counting. I keep YOU!
Around the world and back again~
I have been playing this horrible game with myself over the past 3 months. There it is right there ~ the statement of today being 3 months! I count the days, the weeks, the months and on rough moments the minutes. I torture myself, as if keeping track and pulling my heart apart will make me a better wife. I count and count and count. All it does is make me sad, make me weak, make me less of the woman you loved. And so today I have given myself the gift of releasing the counting.
I will let the calendar do nothing more than state the date. I will no long count the days of what I lack to have, but look forward to what one day may be. I know this is what you want from me and for me. I know you want me to be happy, healthy, to love, to be loved, to dance, to sing, to swim in the sunshine of the universe. I dread that I let the sadness, I let time ~ rule me. I release it! I am not a better wife, a better widow (if there is such a thing) because I keep vigil on the date I lost you. If what you wanted when you left was a woman who wore black, stayed home, and kept a shrine to you~ well , you most likely would not have married someone like me. So why do I find myself doing some of those things.
I now know that it is okay to take a step forward. I am not forgetting you. I am not letting my love for you fade. I am not removing you from my heart or my mind. I am releasing the pain I now have inflicted on myself. I am going to give myself the right to move ~ to move on ~ what ever that may mean. And I take you with me. And I hope you understand. I can no longer let time eat away at who I am. I guess I thought when I reached some perfect date the pain would go away. I guess I thought I was honoring you by mourning you every Friday. But, today in the clearness of the morning I came to realize that to honor you is to take care of me. To honor you is to allow myself to heal. To honor you is to slowly learn what living in a world without you is like. I can't say I like this. I can't say I do not cry, as the tears stain my face as I write this. But I release time. I release the counting. I keep YOU!
Around the world and back again~
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Growth
Dearest Trick~
It has rained a ton in all the places I have visited since you danced your way into heaven. I have come to learn that rain cleans the soul, washes away the tears that stain my face, and most of all helps the flowers grow. Maybe the rain is helping me grow as well.
I would not say that I have changed as much as grown. I have grown into a woman who can drive 1000 miles alone and enjoy the silence. I have grown into someone who can LISTEN (as you know I love to talk). I have grown into a person who honors her feelings, pain and needs. I have grown into a lady who understands that before I can help others I must help myself. I have grown into an adult who can hear the truth, even when the truth hurts.
I have grown these past months. It is not growth I wanted to make or asked for , but growth none the less. I wonder if you are the one sending the rain? If you are the source of my growth? I wonder if you see me now for who I am~ and if your proud? You were always proud of me as your wife. Are you in heaven looking down saying, "she is mine!" ? The hardest growth I have to make, the thing I am working on is being ME without YOU. It is easy to forget who you are when you are part of a duo. It is easy to play one role in your life more then another. For me that was the role of your wife. Now I must grow into this new person, this new woman who brings with her all the memories of the past and growth for the days ahead. I hope you are the rain. I hope you are the force behind this rapid growth I am making. I hope you are proud. I hope you know how much I love you. I miss you so much.
Around the world and back again~
It has rained a ton in all the places I have visited since you danced your way into heaven. I have come to learn that rain cleans the soul, washes away the tears that stain my face, and most of all helps the flowers grow. Maybe the rain is helping me grow as well.
I would not say that I have changed as much as grown. I have grown into a woman who can drive 1000 miles alone and enjoy the silence. I have grown into someone who can LISTEN (as you know I love to talk). I have grown into a person who honors her feelings, pain and needs. I have grown into a lady who understands that before I can help others I must help myself. I have grown into an adult who can hear the truth, even when the truth hurts.
I have grown these past months. It is not growth I wanted to make or asked for , but growth none the less. I wonder if you are the one sending the rain? If you are the source of my growth? I wonder if you see me now for who I am~ and if your proud? You were always proud of me as your wife. Are you in heaven looking down saying, "she is mine!" ? The hardest growth I have to make, the thing I am working on is being ME without YOU. It is easy to forget who you are when you are part of a duo. It is easy to play one role in your life more then another. For me that was the role of your wife. Now I must grow into this new person, this new woman who brings with her all the memories of the past and growth for the days ahead. I hope you are the rain. I hope you are the force behind this rapid growth I am making. I hope you are proud. I hope you know how much I love you. I miss you so much.
Around the world and back again~
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Hitting the road
Dearest Trick~
Tomorrow morning I will get into my sister's car (as ours remains at Dad's house parked - I have not driven it since I went to the emergency room for you and can't bring myself to get back in it) and drive from TX to TN solo. It is weird how what I once loved I am now somewhat afraid of. Oh how I loved road trips while you were here with me. I loved the adventure. I loved how YOU drove and I got to be the biggest back seat driver ever. I loved all the wonderful things I saw out the windows that I never knew existed. I loved how we would stop at random places and find cool people to meet and places to see. I loved all of it. Now I must get in a car by myself and drive 18 hours. 18 hours without YOU~ my map.
You see Trick, you have always been my map of life. You have helped me reach all my destinations be it physical or mental, you were a guide. Now I hit the road with a computer voice telling me where to turn. I guess the only voice I really want to hear is yours. You found a joy in reading maps. You always knew how to navigate every experience in life. I now am left to navigate on my own. I must learn how to read maps, be in driver seat, and find my own joy on the side road attractions of life. I hope you will be with me. I hope you sit in the passenger seat and give me strength over this journey. I hope that you guide me to all the right destinations. And when I do get lost or drive in the dark, I hope you will send a light my way. Tomorrow I hit the road. Tomorrow I hit it alone. Tomorrow I navigate a journey without you. I fear tomorrow might be a rough day. And then I think about the fact that you will be watching over me and my fear reduces. I love you ~ I love where your map has lead me in the past. It is time for me to take out my own map and that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Around the world and back again~
Tomorrow morning I will get into my sister's car (as ours remains at Dad's house parked - I have not driven it since I went to the emergency room for you and can't bring myself to get back in it) and drive from TX to TN solo. It is weird how what I once loved I am now somewhat afraid of. Oh how I loved road trips while you were here with me. I loved the adventure. I loved how YOU drove and I got to be the biggest back seat driver ever. I loved all the wonderful things I saw out the windows that I never knew existed. I loved how we would stop at random places and find cool people to meet and places to see. I loved all of it. Now I must get in a car by myself and drive 18 hours. 18 hours without YOU~ my map.
You see Trick, you have always been my map of life. You have helped me reach all my destinations be it physical or mental, you were a guide. Now I hit the road with a computer voice telling me where to turn. I guess the only voice I really want to hear is yours. You found a joy in reading maps. You always knew how to navigate every experience in life. I now am left to navigate on my own. I must learn how to read maps, be in driver seat, and find my own joy on the side road attractions of life. I hope you will be with me. I hope you sit in the passenger seat and give me strength over this journey. I hope that you guide me to all the right destinations. And when I do get lost or drive in the dark, I hope you will send a light my way. Tomorrow I hit the road. Tomorrow I hit it alone. Tomorrow I navigate a journey without you. I fear tomorrow might be a rough day. And then I think about the fact that you will be watching over me and my fear reduces. I love you ~ I love where your map has lead me in the past. It is time for me to take out my own map and that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Around the world and back again~
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