Dearest Trick~
It is funny how birth and death are so closely connected. When a baby is born I often hear parents talk about their new bundle of joy in terms of days, weeks and months. "Oh my little ............ (fill in the blank with a name) is 18 weeks old, or ........... is 21 months old. Well, as a widow I do the same. Today it is 12 weeks. For 12 weeks I have counted the hours and the days. I have tried to stand tall while trying to hold on to the pieces of you that I have. And each Friday I am reminded of April 29th. Each Friday I am checking off another week where my world does not feel complete, does not feel whole. Each time I raise that number from 3 days to 1 week, from 3 weeks to a month, from 1 month to 2.... it brakes a piece of who I am. I guess I am starting to dislike the calendar. I am disliking father time. Time it has caused this great big void in my life that no other human can fill.
And then there are the moments when I feel like , " Wow I have made it 5 weeks and I am still standing". I find strength in the ability day after day, week after week, to get out of bed (what ever bed I am in as it is not MY bed without you) and face the day. But that calendar continues to haunt me. It is like a reminder of what I lack to have now. 12 weeks ~ 12 weeks without hearing your voice. 12 weeks without smelling that awesome mix of soap, Old Spice deodorant, and a touch of shave lotion. 12 weeks of not having love notes in the kitchen. 12 weeks of having to pay the bills on my own. 12 weeks of without touching your skin. 12 weeks of being YOUR voice. What a long 12 weeks it has been. I replay that last moment we had together. I was resting my head on your chest singing our wedding song (I Will) to you as I listened to your heart beat drift off to another place. And although I had my head on you, I felt you behind me. How weird. And so I guess you do the same. In heaven you must be saying , "For 12 weeks I have watched over her". I endlessly miss you and completely love you.
Around the world and back again~
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
labels
Dearest Trick~
In life there are labels for everything. There are labels on our food, on our clothes, on our beds ~ I mean they are everywhere. And then there are the labels we give one another as humans. These days I find myself with two labels. One I love very dearly and I hold it dear in my heart. The other one I HATE. Yes I just used the word hate and I know it is a strong word.
Let's start with the label I hate ~ that of widow. It is like the minute you left this earth everyone's view of me, the world's view of me changed. I was no longer Ali or Alasin. I was no longer Mrs. DeVeny or Mrs. D or Alikat. I was not sister or daughter or friend. I was now and will forever be labeled WIDOW and it is a horror to have a label like this. It screws with your identity and it makes you feel like you are walking around with a big W across your chest. When you are young like me the label is accompanied by sad looks and pity (both things I do not like).
Now the label I love ~ Pat's WIFE. I know that Social Security no longer sees me in this role. I know many insurance companies and credit cards refuse to call me MRS. anymore. Well that is their issue. For the rest of my days on earth I will carry this label with pride. I mean really do you think death could possibly end US. I think not.
I am learning to be a part of a new world where my labels have changed. One thing that has not is my love for you.
Around the world and back again~
In life there are labels for everything. There are labels on our food, on our clothes, on our beds ~ I mean they are everywhere. And then there are the labels we give one another as humans. These days I find myself with two labels. One I love very dearly and I hold it dear in my heart. The other one I HATE. Yes I just used the word hate and I know it is a strong word.
Let's start with the label I hate ~ that of widow. It is like the minute you left this earth everyone's view of me, the world's view of me changed. I was no longer Ali or Alasin. I was no longer Mrs. DeVeny or Mrs. D or Alikat. I was not sister or daughter or friend. I was now and will forever be labeled WIDOW and it is a horror to have a label like this. It screws with your identity and it makes you feel like you are walking around with a big W across your chest. When you are young like me the label is accompanied by sad looks and pity (both things I do not like).
Now the label I love ~ Pat's WIFE. I know that Social Security no longer sees me in this role. I know many insurance companies and credit cards refuse to call me MRS. anymore. Well that is their issue. For the rest of my days on earth I will carry this label with pride. I mean really do you think death could possibly end US. I think not.
I am learning to be a part of a new world where my labels have changed. One thing that has not is my love for you.
Around the world and back again~
Why isn't it easy anymore?????!!!
Dearest Trick~
Life was easy when you were here. Don't get me wrong we had MORE than our fair share of hardships (a lot more) but somehow we dealt with it together and it all seemed easy. It was easy to love you. It was easy for me to express how I was feeling without having to even use words. It was easy to battle the world as a team. It was easy being your wife. It was easy dealing with the daily grind because we were the DeVenyDuo.
Now everything seems so hard. Waking up, dealing with people, dealing with life - it all lacks to be easy. Now when I am tossed a problem head on I don't to have my support, my partner. I miss you. I miss the easy way about you. I miss us! I miss a ton of the little things that seemed so EASY for you to do and now I yearn for them. I miss having my car door opened for me before I get to it. I miss holding hands in bed and falling asleep. I miss family walks with Norm the wonder dog. I miss little notes left on the board in the kitchen just because I made coffee. I miss never going to bed mad or sad. I miss trips to the library becoming mini vacations. I miss getting flowers for no reason at all. I miss the soft hours when there were no sounds, no words, just smiles. I miss how your shoes always landed the same way when you tossed them off at night. I miss the way we listened to things the other was interested in just because we loved one another. I miss how easy it all was.
And then just as easy, just as fast, the world took you from me. I wish I could be stronger. I wish that it was not so easy for you to be taken away. I miss you and I miss who we were. I miss the easy life.
Around the world and back again~
Life was easy when you were here. Don't get me wrong we had MORE than our fair share of hardships (a lot more) but somehow we dealt with it together and it all seemed easy. It was easy to love you. It was easy for me to express how I was feeling without having to even use words. It was easy to battle the world as a team. It was easy being your wife. It was easy dealing with the daily grind because we were the DeVenyDuo.
Now everything seems so hard. Waking up, dealing with people, dealing with life - it all lacks to be easy. Now when I am tossed a problem head on I don't to have my support, my partner. I miss you. I miss the easy way about you. I miss us! I miss a ton of the little things that seemed so EASY for you to do and now I yearn for them. I miss having my car door opened for me before I get to it. I miss holding hands in bed and falling asleep. I miss family walks with Norm the wonder dog. I miss little notes left on the board in the kitchen just because I made coffee. I miss never going to bed mad or sad. I miss trips to the library becoming mini vacations. I miss getting flowers for no reason at all. I miss the soft hours when there were no sounds, no words, just smiles. I miss how your shoes always landed the same way when you tossed them off at night. I miss the way we listened to things the other was interested in just because we loved one another. I miss how easy it all was.
And then just as easy, just as fast, the world took you from me. I wish I could be stronger. I wish that it was not so easy for you to be taken away. I miss you and I miss who we were. I miss the easy life.
Around the world and back again~
Friday, July 15, 2011
The early air
Dearest Trick~
There is a moment every day that is so damn painful I feel like I have been slapped in the face. Every morning in the millisecond before my eyes completely open, before the sun has drenched what ever bedroom I seem to grace that day, in the moment when I take that first taste of morning air~ for one brief moment I can wonder if all of this was just a bad dream. And every day with out fail I am reminded that this nightmare, this world I live in without you, it is real. So every morning I am once again slapped across the face with reality.
I am not questioning why the universe took you from me ~ well, took you from all of us for that matter. I am not going to fill my heart with anger and rage. But, I am wounded. I am different. I am changed. I am the same. I am hurt. I am healthy. I am me and for ever I am always yours! I love that brief moment each morning when for that millisecond I have hope ~ I have you. I keep looking for a sign a message from you. Others have posted on your facebook about how you have made rain stop at party, visited them in a dream, made them laugh, sent a sign... I have had none of these experiences. I have felt left out and desperately searched for a piece of you. And now I realize that you send me a sign every day, you visit me when I am most vulnerable ~ when I am most me. You dance with me once again in my mind for but a moment each day. You continue to give me hope when at times most things look hopeless. And so this morning when the Vegas light filled the room and awoke me from slumber instead of feeling pain and sorrow by knowing that this is all real~ I felt you! I felt you holding my hand again, filling my bed again, laughing at my jokes again. I think I will now look forward to the most painful time of day because for a brief second I get YOU back. And I will take those seconds and those moments and happily deal with the pain that follows.
Around the world and back again~
There is a moment every day that is so damn painful I feel like I have been slapped in the face. Every morning in the millisecond before my eyes completely open, before the sun has drenched what ever bedroom I seem to grace that day, in the moment when I take that first taste of morning air~ for one brief moment I can wonder if all of this was just a bad dream. And every day with out fail I am reminded that this nightmare, this world I live in without you, it is real. So every morning I am once again slapped across the face with reality.
I am not questioning why the universe took you from me ~ well, took you from all of us for that matter. I am not going to fill my heart with anger and rage. But, I am wounded. I am different. I am changed. I am the same. I am hurt. I am healthy. I am me and for ever I am always yours! I love that brief moment each morning when for that millisecond I have hope ~ I have you. I keep looking for a sign a message from you. Others have posted on your facebook about how you have made rain stop at party, visited them in a dream, made them laugh, sent a sign... I have had none of these experiences. I have felt left out and desperately searched for a piece of you. And now I realize that you send me a sign every day, you visit me when I am most vulnerable ~ when I am most me. You dance with me once again in my mind for but a moment each day. You continue to give me hope when at times most things look hopeless. And so this morning when the Vegas light filled the room and awoke me from slumber instead of feeling pain and sorrow by knowing that this is all real~ I felt you! I felt you holding my hand again, filling my bed again, laughing at my jokes again. I think I will now look forward to the most painful time of day because for a brief second I get YOU back. And I will take those seconds and those moments and happily deal with the pain that follows.
Around the world and back again~
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
On the road
Dearest Trick~
I have been on the road for a few weeks. Some stops have been for you ~ the Cubs, GLC, Brenner Mountain. Some stops have been for me ~ MA, Vegas and NV/AZ/UT. But what really has happened is that I am on the road all the time because I lack to know what or where home is. In truth YOU were my home. It never mattered where we were ~ as long as we were together I felt that feeling of home. So I guess for a long time to come I will feel like I am on the road. I want you to know that part of this road trip I call life is beyond hard. I feel like I lack a map and the directions or even the destination for that matter seem so unclear. Then there are moments where I pull over the metaphoric car and see the most beautiful sunset. I do not want you to worry~ I am doing this road trip like a trooper. I have noticed the help you have sent and put in my path. The friends that join me on this new adventure, the gas (strength) that continues to drive me. You, have always been the one to map out our plans. I have had to learn that this was not plan but just a rough adventure that has been thrusted on us. I miss you endlessly and wish that you were at all the road side stops I take. Then I think for a moment and realize you are. You are always with me, you are my GPS in this new adventure I call life. I love you and am honored that you are watching over me.
Around the world and back again
I have been on the road for a few weeks. Some stops have been for you ~ the Cubs, GLC, Brenner Mountain. Some stops have been for me ~ MA, Vegas and NV/AZ/UT. But what really has happened is that I am on the road all the time because I lack to know what or where home is. In truth YOU were my home. It never mattered where we were ~ as long as we were together I felt that feeling of home. So I guess for a long time to come I will feel like I am on the road. I want you to know that part of this road trip I call life is beyond hard. I feel like I lack a map and the directions or even the destination for that matter seem so unclear. Then there are moments where I pull over the metaphoric car and see the most beautiful sunset. I do not want you to worry~ I am doing this road trip like a trooper. I have noticed the help you have sent and put in my path. The friends that join me on this new adventure, the gas (strength) that continues to drive me. You, have always been the one to map out our plans. I have had to learn that this was not plan but just a rough adventure that has been thrusted on us. I miss you endlessly and wish that you were at all the road side stops I take. Then I think for a moment and realize you are. You are always with me, you are my GPS in this new adventure I call life. I love you and am honored that you are watching over me.
Around the world and back again
Monday, June 6, 2011
Blowing you up
Dearest Trick,
You are blowing up on the internet. Goodness today I went on FB and there is a link to Patrick DeVeny inspires me from Heaven! I still do not know who started it. There were not one but two events when I was out in Denver for you. I will be heading back to Chicago to join your Luxers to go to the make up game that you missed the day you got sick. And yes then I am taking you in my bag back to Brenner Mountain where once again you will dance on the earth that we got married on. You will be spread among Marje's ashes and yes you will be BLOWN UP in a fire work on my 35th birthday to send your goodness over everyone.
You are the picture of success! I fear that we all think that the way to judge success is by the cars we drive, what we do for a living, how big our house is, how big our toys are (ok you had the big toys). But, success is really about the effect you leave on others. I always - everyday told you how lucky I was to have you in my life. I couldn't help but brag when I spoke of you. Even now when my heart is broken in a way I fear it cannot be fixed, I can't help but find the corners of my mouth turn up into a smile when I talk of you. I am overwhelmed to hear the stories that others tell me about you - and the affect you had and still have on their lives. I love to hear from your friends of how you spoke of me- as that is just another sign that even death will not end the devenyduo! And so you are blowing up! You are everywhere and nowhere and you are mine - and everyones !
Those of us lucky enough to have gotten to cross paths with you, are now blown up with love and pain as we all wish you were here (most of all me)!!!!
Thank you for bringing a BANG into this world. I love you and miss you endlessly!!!!
Around the world and back again~
You are blowing up on the internet. Goodness today I went on FB and there is a link to Patrick DeVeny inspires me from Heaven! I still do not know who started it. There were not one but two events when I was out in Denver for you. I will be heading back to Chicago to join your Luxers to go to the make up game that you missed the day you got sick. And yes then I am taking you in my bag back to Brenner Mountain where once again you will dance on the earth that we got married on. You will be spread among Marje's ashes and yes you will be BLOWN UP in a fire work on my 35th birthday to send your goodness over everyone.
You are the picture of success! I fear that we all think that the way to judge success is by the cars we drive, what we do for a living, how big our house is, how big our toys are (ok you had the big toys). But, success is really about the effect you leave on others. I always - everyday told you how lucky I was to have you in my life. I couldn't help but brag when I spoke of you. Even now when my heart is broken in a way I fear it cannot be fixed, I can't help but find the corners of my mouth turn up into a smile when I talk of you. I am overwhelmed to hear the stories that others tell me about you - and the affect you had and still have on their lives. I love to hear from your friends of how you spoke of me- as that is just another sign that even death will not end the devenyduo! And so you are blowing up! You are everywhere and nowhere and you are mine - and everyones !
Those of us lucky enough to have gotten to cross paths with you, are now blown up with love and pain as we all wish you were here (most of all me)!!!!
Thank you for bringing a BANG into this world. I love you and miss you endlessly!!!!
Around the world and back again~
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Jobless, homeless, and husbandless
My dearest Trick,
If someone was to tell me that June 1st would come and I would find myself jobless, homeless and husbandless I would have called them a lier. Only you would leave the world and make sure that I had a clean slate to work with. I am lost as to what I am supposed to do. I have never lived alone. I always had a roommate and then I moved in with you - the best roommate in the world. So now at almost 35 I am to learn how to navigate life solo and how to live solo. It all seems too much. Where should I set up shop? How do I begin to find a place to call home when YOU were my home? I guess having all this LESS in my life will make me stronger. I know you always said that I was the strongest woman you knew but in reality I am not. I could be strong when I had you by my side. Right now I feel weak, knocked down, kicked, bruised, beaten up. I never knew just living could be so hard - when hardships never held us back from living a great life. I hope that you are still watching over me, guiding me in this adventure I now call widowhood. The world sucks without you.
Around the world and back again~
If someone was to tell me that June 1st would come and I would find myself jobless, homeless and husbandless I would have called them a lier. Only you would leave the world and make sure that I had a clean slate to work with. I am lost as to what I am supposed to do. I have never lived alone. I always had a roommate and then I moved in with you - the best roommate in the world. So now at almost 35 I am to learn how to navigate life solo and how to live solo. It all seems too much. Where should I set up shop? How do I begin to find a place to call home when YOU were my home? I guess having all this LESS in my life will make me stronger. I know you always said that I was the strongest woman you knew but in reality I am not. I could be strong when I had you by my side. Right now I feel weak, knocked down, kicked, bruised, beaten up. I never knew just living could be so hard - when hardships never held us back from living a great life. I hope that you are still watching over me, guiding me in this adventure I now call widowhood. The world sucks without you.
Around the world and back again~
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